Let me preface this by saying that I am not a Scientologist. But man, do I love going to their meetings. Tommy Cruise and I just came back from a meeting in their dungeon, I mean headquarters down in FL. We were running late (well, Tom was running late. I'm always right on time but sometimes other people are early.) so we took one of my underground Nokes-tubes. I just had these remodeled with crown molding made from real crowns of deceased kings.
The meeting itself was fantastic. Everyone was talking about how great they think they are and how awesome it is to be your own demi-god. Ok, whatever. Then they proceeded to pray to Tom Cruise and I. We babbled something to them we heard on Star Trek and they ate it up as new gospel. Tom and I just love the attention. We told them that L. Ron Hubbard sent us a message from beyond that they needed to bring Tom and I and albino white tiger. Good luck with that. Well, I of course already have one but Tom wants one now. Oh by the way, Tom doesn't believe any of this crap, he just loves the attention. Says it makes him feel tall. He tells me that Katie Holmes is a nut though. She keeps wanting to visit Dawson's Creek. She has no idea it isn't real.
-Nokes Out!
PS The next blog will actually be my 50th post. I'm thinking about doing something special for it. Like firing everyone at T-Mobile. Hahahaha. I'm just kidding. But seriously.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Big Dinner Tonight
Morning Nokes-A-Holics. Big day today for The Nokes and her posse tonight. Tonight I'm holding my annual dinner with my closest friends and confidants. My good friends Charles Barkley, Lil Kim, Kim Kardashian, Jesus, Dr. Phil, and of course C3PO will all be there. I may even invite that ho Oprah so that we can patch things up. I've rented out a restaurant called... well, I'm not going to tell you what it's called since we want to make sure no one else shows up. Let's just say that it's very exclusive. Oh, and don't think you can just look for an empty restaurant to find it. The Nokes is too smart for that. This is why I've filled the restaurant with the animatronic historical figures used on that Disney ride about the US.
One last thing, even if you figure out what restaurant it is you'd best keep your distance. For I've had the local authorities make it illegal for anyone to even look at the restaurant unless you have an invitation. You'll be arrested on the spot. It'll be like a scene right our of that show "To Catch A Predator." As with other laws, this one doesn't apply to The Nokes since I was declared a sovereign nation by President Ronald Reagan years ago.
-Nokes Out!
One last thing, even if you figure out what restaurant it is you'd best keep your distance. For I've had the local authorities make it illegal for anyone to even look at the restaurant unless you have an invitation. You'll be arrested on the spot. It'll be like a scene right our of that show "To Catch A Predator." As with other laws, this one doesn't apply to The Nokes since I was declared a sovereign nation by President Ronald Reagan years ago.
-Nokes Out!
Saturday, January 12, 2008
A Scene From One Of My Favorite Nazi Comedies
A scene from one of my favorite comedies, "A Friendship In Vienna." Before you ask, I'm pretty sure that is not El Dotson at the end of the video. I don't for sure. I never watch the credits of any movie since the only one that should ever get credit for anything is The Nokes. Enjoy!
"Vienna, Austria, 1938. The daughter of a Nazi officer sympathizes with her Jewish friend and is punished for it."
"Vienna, Austria, 1938. The daughter of a Nazi officer sympathizes with her Jewish friend and is punished for it."
Thursday, January 10, 2008
An idiot, His Bathroom, & His Sidekick Dilemma
So this moron just sold his Sidekick 3 and is looking to get a new Sidekick. So as if though anyone in the world would care, he posted a video on Youtube asking people to help him decide between the sidekick Slide or LX. He uses such eloquent phrases as "I hear the Slide is what and LX is poppin" Why does he keep looking around nervously? Is he afraid the Bathroom Goblin is going to come and rape him? Nokes Almighty!
The Nokes cannot and will not have an idiot of this magnitude on her network. I've ordered engineering to detonate his Sidekick the next time he goes to make a call. Oh and for those in Sales, do not under any circumstances sell anything to this man. In fact, feel free to unleash your store's tiger on him for a mauling.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
About This Dr. Phil Thing
As many of you have heard or read there's a big uproar over Dr. Phil and his visit to Britney's hospital room and his subsequent plans to have a show about her this week. The mental health community really has their collective panties in a bunch over this one. Let me explain how The Nokes factors in here.
You see, I don't have a whole lot of emotional range. Mostly I only feel anger, disdain and wealth. Yes, wealth is an emotion for The Nokes. Sometimes I feel all three of these at the same time which is a super-emotion dubbed by doctors as "feeling Nokes." At first, I thought that not having more feelings was a fault, an area of opportunity. So I set out to do something about it.
One day, I gathered up some clay, mixed it with water, and molded it into my own image. I then breathed into my clay man sculpture and it became alive. It became Dr. Phil. See, I created Dr. Phil to help teach me all about the full range of human emotions. I then realized how truly lame those other emotions, such as love, truly are. He did teach me just how to deal with people that are emotionally distressed: you yell and belittle them. Like mother, like son I guess. The only problem is that he is also a loud mouthed redneck. I mean, this guy doesn't shut up. Oprah was having a birthday party and that Ho always wants unique gifts. So I wrapped him up, put him in a box, and gave him to her. The rest is history. You're welcome Brit.
-Nokes Out!
You see, I don't have a whole lot of emotional range. Mostly I only feel anger, disdain and wealth. Yes, wealth is an emotion for The Nokes. Sometimes I feel all three of these at the same time which is a super-emotion dubbed by doctors as "feeling Nokes." At first, I thought that not having more feelings was a fault, an area of opportunity. So I set out to do something about it.
One day, I gathered up some clay, mixed it with water, and molded it into my own image. I then breathed into my clay man sculpture and it became alive. It became Dr. Phil. See, I created Dr. Phil to help teach me all about the full range of human emotions. I then realized how truly lame those other emotions, such as love, truly are. He did teach me just how to deal with people that are emotionally distressed: you yell and belittle them. Like mother, like son I guess. The only problem is that he is also a loud mouthed redneck. I mean, this guy doesn't shut up. Oprah was having a birthday party and that Ho always wants unique gifts. So I wrapped him up, put him in a box, and gave him to her. The rest is history. You're welcome Brit.
-Nokes Out!
Monday, January 7, 2008
Teaching A Lesson...
Nokes here, live from the Nokescave located 1 mile beneath T-Mobile headquarters. I finally had enough. The Nokes' hand was forced to teach T-Mobile's Chief People Officer, Manny Sousa, a lesson. By the way, Chief People Officer must be the weakest sounding executive position of all time. It sounds like the man is in charge of maintaining law and order in Fisher-Price town or something.
So why Manny? Frankly, The Nokes is tired of this smug bastard walking around T-Mobile like he's the reason for our employee satisfaction and employee retention rates. Where were you while I was busy creating Do More Get More, raising salaries, and implementing monthly incentives? Or where were you when The Nokes came up with the brilliant idea of having all Sr. Managers sign their souls over to me upon their promotion? Why do you think they never, and The Nokes means never, quit? Oh, that's right. You were stuffing burritos over at El Taco. Couldn't even cut it at Taco Bell so you had to go work for a knockoff. Sad Manny. Another thing, nobody thinks that its funny when you say "that's Sousariffic!" Nobody. Your mother constantly calls Dotson to complain about it. Knock it off.
Last night I had Lil Kim pay Manny a visit. I had her pull off all of his toenails and fingernails so that she could replace them with mirrors. Just as I suspected, he came in today barefoot and has been staring at his hands and feet all day. I scheduled a meeting for Manny with the heads of our German parent company Deutsch Telekom. I can't wait to see what these homophobic and racists Nazis think about a smug spanish man with mirrors for nails. You and Catherine Zeta-Jones will soon be sharing a room. Bwahahahaha!!!!
-Nokes Out!
So why Manny? Frankly, The Nokes is tired of this smug bastard walking around T-Mobile like he's the reason for our employee satisfaction and employee retention rates. Where were you while I was busy creating Do More Get More, raising salaries, and implementing monthly incentives? Or where were you when The Nokes came up with the brilliant idea of having all Sr. Managers sign their souls over to me upon their promotion? Why do you think they never, and The Nokes means never, quit? Oh, that's right. You were stuffing burritos over at El Taco. Couldn't even cut it at Taco Bell so you had to go work for a knockoff. Sad Manny. Another thing, nobody thinks that its funny when you say "that's Sousariffic!" Nobody. Your mother constantly calls Dotson to complain about it. Knock it off.
Last night I had Lil Kim pay Manny a visit. I had her pull off all of his toenails and fingernails so that she could replace them with mirrors. Just as I suspected, he came in today barefoot and has been staring at his hands and feet all day. I scheduled a meeting for Manny with the heads of our German parent company Deutsch Telekom. I can't wait to see what these homophobic and racists Nazis think about a smug spanish man with mirrors for nails. You and Catherine Zeta-Jones will soon be sharing a room. Bwahahahaha!!!!
-Nokes Out!
Sue, Barkley, & Your Quarterly Bonus
My good friend Charles Barkley has been calling me all week, leaving unintelligible message after unintelligible message. Turns out he wants The Nokes to teach him how to pronounce words. I really should just do it but I told him he'd have to work for it. So I challenged Charles to a game of basketball. If Charles wins I teach him how to pronounce words. If The Nokes wins I get to do a Mysapce-style survey about myself and pass it off as the company's 4th quarter bonus. Good news employees! After 2:31 seconds of utter domination the final score was Nokes 21, Charles 0. Momma Nokes with the shutout! Enjoy your bonus:
| What would you do if? | |
|---|---|
| The President of the United States called you: | Normally the Nokes sends him straight to voicemail. |
| You won the lottery: | What's a "lottery?" |
| You caught a friend stealing from you: | Let's just say that the words "Lil Kim" and "regulate" would be used |
| You witnessed a murder: | Get some popcorn |
| A random stranger offered you candy: | They better be rubies. Everyone knows that the only candy The Nokes eats is rubies |
| You found 10 dollars on the ground: | I would buy the sidewalk and then have it destroyed for wasting my time for a measly 10 dollars. |
| Someone cut off a chunk of your hair: | How about what my hair would do. My hair is made out of porcupine like needles |
Sue's Book Of Secrets
Maybe some of you have seen Nicholas Cage's new abomination: National Treasure, Book Of Secrets. Let The Nokes sum up the movie for you: Nicholas Cage wears a hairpiece and as usual, displays the acting chops of a rolled up piece of paper. You may be wondering why I'm even wasting my multi-million dollar time talking about this. Well, in the movie Cage obtains a book called "The Secret Book Of The Presidents." It's supposed to contain all of the nation's secrets and each President hands it down to the next. This is obviously based on my "The Secret Book Of The Nokes." Whoever let this information out will curse the day they heard the name Nokes.
There are some major differences. First of all, my book is bound by a lock that can only be opened with the Nazi Spear Of Destiny. Second, each page is written in woolly mammoth blood. Do you any idea how hard it is to get woolly mammoth blood? No, of course not. I'll tell you this much, it's a lot harder to get than Do More Get More points. The most important difference is that my book contains the secrets of the entire universe. Secrets that would blow your mind. Secrets like, "how does Sue Nokes never sleep or blink?" "Why magenta?" And so on. Why am I telling you this? Because The Nokes will not be shown up by a movie. Especially a Nicholas Cage movie. Any T-Mobile employee that goes to see this movie will be written up and forced to use a Nokia 3390.
There are some major differences. First of all, my book is bound by a lock that can only be opened with the Nazi Spear Of Destiny. Second, each page is written in woolly mammoth blood. Do you any idea how hard it is to get woolly mammoth blood? No, of course not. I'll tell you this much, it's a lot harder to get than Do More Get More points. The most important difference is that my book contains the secrets of the entire universe. Secrets that would blow your mind. Secrets like, "how does Sue Nokes never sleep or blink?" "Why magenta?" And so on. Why am I telling you this? Because The Nokes will not be shown up by a movie. Especially a Nicholas Cage movie. Any T-Mobile employee that goes to see this movie will be written up and forced to use a Nokia 3390.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Inspiration From Sue To You
Evening Nokes-a-holics. Nokes here to deliver an inspirational message to you for 2008. Inspiration can come from anywhere. Today, we're going to talk about having that killer instinct in 2008. A killer instinct strong enough to allow us to not only beat our competition, but to also buy their company and make their employees our personal pets. Today we're going to talk about the 12/28 tiger attack at the San Diego Zoo. For the three of you that haven't heard about this inspirational mauling you can click here to read all about it.
On 12/28 a 350lb. Siberian Tiger escaped from it's holding area by climbing a 12 1/2 ft. wall. After years of being taunted by park visitors this tiger unleashed it's killer instinct by mauling one park visitor to death and leaving his two friends alive but severely injured. Amazing. This tiger was smart enough to know that sometimes you have to leave some of the competition just barely hanging on in order to let others know about your power. Word of mouth is a powerful marketing tool my friends. Well, we're not really friends but you know what The Nokes means. So how does this apply to T-Mobile in 2008? I want 2008 to be the year of killer instinct for us. Don't just let a customer walk out of the store without signing up for service. You leap over their 12 ft. wall of questions and doubt and maul them until they have signed up for a 2 year Myfaves program! Figuratively speaking of course.
Now, let The Nokes make something clear: I nor T-Mobile advocate for our employees to literally maul our potential customers. Frankly, we just don't have the time to train everyone in the company on proper mauling. That is why each T-Mobile store will be provided with a Tiger. Do not attempt to domesticate these tigers in anyway. They are from my personal collection. They are to be fed a strict diet of Hot Sauce and salt water. This will keep their killer instinct alive. You will also find that they will be leashed and collared with a generous 50 foot leash so they can access the entire store. This will help keep your killer instinct alive. Happy New Year!
-Nokes Out!
On 12/28 a 350lb. Siberian Tiger escaped from it's holding area by climbing a 12 1/2 ft. wall. After years of being taunted by park visitors this tiger unleashed it's killer instinct by mauling one park visitor to death and leaving his two friends alive but severely injured. Amazing. This tiger was smart enough to know that sometimes you have to leave some of the competition just barely hanging on in order to let others know about your power. Word of mouth is a powerful marketing tool my friends. Well, we're not really friends but you know what The Nokes means. So how does this apply to T-Mobile in 2008? I want 2008 to be the year of killer instinct for us. Don't just let a customer walk out of the store without signing up for service. You leap over their 12 ft. wall of questions and doubt and maul them until they have signed up for a 2 year Myfaves program! Figuratively speaking of course.
Now, let The Nokes make something clear: I nor T-Mobile advocate for our employees to literally maul our potential customers. Frankly, we just don't have the time to train everyone in the company on proper mauling. That is why each T-Mobile store will be provided with a Tiger. Do not attempt to domesticate these tigers in anyway. They are from my personal collection. They are to be fed a strict diet of Hot Sauce and salt water. This will keep their killer instinct alive. You will also find that they will be leashed and collared with a generous 50 foot leash so they can access the entire store. This will help keep your killer instinct alive. Happy New Year!
-Nokes Out!
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
My Moonbase Is Almost Complete
Here's the latest picture of my moonbase from Google Earth. I'm thinking about making this my permanent base of operations once it's fully operational. Barkley ad I even tossed around having it take over as the new corporate office for my T-Mobile Empire. We'll see. Aside from my usual comforts (baby giraffe skin lampshades, panda eyeball door knobs, etc.) this moonbase base has a secret system designed to help The Nokes deal with the recent increase in employees who are rebelling against the T-Mobile Empire. What's worse is that these employees seem to be building a community of some sort. I find your lack of faith in The Nokes disturbing. Soon your little "Rebel Alliance" will be crushed. It's just like I told Dotson when I called him about being last on his Myfaves, "The circle is complete. When I left you I was but a learner, now I am the master!"He tried to convince me that nobody was first or last. He said that because it's a circle there's no beginning or end. Ok, Aristotle. Well The Nokes knows the beginning and end of all circles. You don't know the power of The Nokes!
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