Shopping Time!

It's been a long time since The Nokes went shopping with my Personal Assistant, C3PO. i would say it's been at least half a day. In honor of my head being added to Mt. Rushmore, C3PO and I really want to make tomorrow's shopping escapade special. So here's the deal-i-o. I've hired the original Oompa Loompas to carry me around Melrose Avenue while I shop. If they even let any of my toes touch the ground my good friend Charles Barkley will take one of them out with a basketball shot straight to the head. If we have to we'll do it all the way until there's only one carrying me. Only the best for The Nokes.

I've been eyeing a Chanel Bag to store my skin after my monthly shedding. It turns out that my skin makes for a clean and powerful fuel. We've been powering T-Mobile's headquarter's for the last 3 months with just the skin from my left hand... and I'm right handed! We'll also be stopping by the liquor store to pick up some Cristal for my laundry. I never actually wear anything more than once but sometimes it's good to remind people of just how rich and blingtastic I am by washing my clothes in Cristal and then burning them by using a piece of the original constitution as kindling. Even Bill Gates can't touch me. Hopefully I'll have an update on some more of the wonderful items I'll be purchasing tomorrow. Don't forget to sell, sell, sell, tomorrow. My Dinosaur bone staircase doesn't pay for itself you know. I'd hate to fire you and have your family relocated to Guantanamo Bay. I'm kidding... but seriously, don't force The Nokes' hand.

-Nokes Out!

The Nokes Is Back

I just got back from my moonbase. I meant to come back in the morning but there were a few countries that I needed to scout from my moonbase. I'm looking at you Zaire. You know what you did. So how about that Dotson? Boy, he is really into food. Although I've never seen it, I always suspected that he had a margarine hot tub. I mean, why else would we be getting an order of 200 containers of "I can't believe it's not butter" twice a week. I should have expected as much. My little vacation was Nokestastic. I even had some time to secure a very, very, exciting new deal for our customers. Beginning next month our customers will see a new $5.99 fee on their bill called "Nokesmore." This exciting new fee will help to pay to have my perfectly symmetrical face added to Mount Rushmore. I think we're going to take George Washington and move him to the end of the row. Or around to the other side of the mountain if there isn't enough room. The Nokes doesn't care. Construction begins tomorrow. I'll have apic of Mt. Nokesmore up as soon as it's complete.

-Nokes Out

The Nokes Will Be Back Blogging Tomorrow

I couldn't take it anymore. Ever since I let Dotson guest blog all I read about on my celestial page is about food. This must come to an end. I explained that my blog is a huge honor for him and that he should video tape himself typing his first one. I also advised him to tape over his first child's birth since his first blog would officially become the most important and happiest day of his life. Did he do any of what I kindly demanded? No. Of course not. Well my blog can't be about your next sugar rush so The Nokes is coming back from my break early. I'll be departing my moonbase sometime in the morning. Oh, and I brought back a souvenir for everyone: my anger.

-Nokes Out! 

My Heroes

Robert Dotson here. I want to thank everyone for their support as interim blogger here. The cake they got me at the office was fantastic. Although, next time you can leave the cake part  back at the baker. Just the frosting would be great. I was just about to have my bedtime glass of warm gravy and figured that I'd give you an opportunity to learn a little more about me. So here's a short survey:

Personal:
One of your heroes that you know personally?	Cookie Monster
why is he/she your hero?	He's the first one I've ever seen that has made a living out of eating cookies. This guy is amazing
when did you meet this person?	15 years ago
how did you meet this person?	I met him at the National Gluttons Of America Conference
Other Hero
Whos your #1 hero?	Sue Nokes
why are they your hero?	Sue made it very clear that for the sake of my health, job, and continued rotation of the earth on it's axis I had best come to realize that she is my hero.
how did you meet/find out about them?	Sue actually won't let me know. She had C3PO do something to me and now I can't remember how we even met
Top 5 Heroes
1	Sue Nokes
2	Cookie Monster
3	Chris Farley
4	John Candy
5	Ted Kennedy's liver

This Charles Barkely Guy...

Robert Dotson here. So I arrive to work this morning and pick up my usual box of krispie kreeme donuts for breakfast. Everything's going just peachy and then suddenly BAM! I get a basketball slammed into my face. BAM! Again! It's Charles Barkley. He keeps asking me if I got his "dokiments."

Robert: You're what?

Charles: u git mah fax of dokiments?

Robert: I don't know what... (BAM!)

Charles: basketball!!!

Robert: OoOoOoww...

Charles: yeeeah booooy!

This went on for 10 minutes. I was going to have him kicked out but he's on the board of directors! Must be Nokes' handy work. I'm going to go take a dip in my margarine hot tub to see if these welts will go down. Sheesh!

Hotspot @ Home Is A Hit!

Robert Dotson here, still filling in for Sue this week. Or "The Nokes" as she refers to herself sometimes. I just got some preliminary numbers back on Hotspot @ home and I must say it's quite the hit. After the fiasco with the FCC earlier today (the one that forced me to eat a gallon of Rocky Road because it made me so sad) I really needed something to cheer me up. So how well does the actual product work? Perfectly! Just take a look at this picture of my secretary using Hotspot @ Home to call a customer back. I think we can all rest assured that he heard and understood every delightful word that came out of her mouth. I'm sure his issue regarding his battery exploding and the acid from it landing in his grandmother's contact lens solution got cleared up expeditiously. I'm off to the grocery store. Gotta pick up a gallon of Rocky Road ice cream to reward myself for Hotspot @ Home's performance.

-The Dotson

The FCC Meeting

Hello Dotsonites. Bad news for me today. The FCC meeting didn't go so well. Sure, the Sun Comm deal is pretty much a done deal but there's an upcoming spectrum auction and i came up with some really, really, cool ideas with what to do with it. But those bullies in the FCC put a kibosh on my ideas. This isn't fair. Nokes always gets what she wants from the FCC. Nokes, Nokes, Nokes! Anyway, I wanted to use some of the spectrum to send out automatic updates for whenever Krispy Kreme Donuts turns on their "Hot Donuts" sign. I even had the perfect name for it: Cream Alerts.

I guess they thought that the name could be taken to mean something else. I don't know what they're talking about but they also just thought it was a dumb idea. I started arguing with them about it but then one of them threw a Snickers out the room so I went after it on instinct. When I turned around they had already locked the door behind me, and ironically, were snickering at me! To make matters worse the Snickers didn't even satisfy my hunger. Now I'm sitting in my office eating a gallon of Rocky Road because I'm so sad. Woes me.

- :..(

Robert Dotson Here - My 1st Blog!

Man, oh man! I'm so excited to be Sue's guest blogger. Such a great, great, lady. Funny too. Like the time when she gave me a box of gum filled with baby teeth instead of Chiklets and I spent all day chewing them. You should have seen me. Trying to blow bubbles all day long. I was wondering why they tasted like Gerber baby food but hey, as long as it tastes good right? Sue spent some time with me this morning explaining what a blog and the internet is. It all sounds very neat. My friend cookie monster isn't going to believe this. Anyway, please pardon any spelling errors. My keyboard is full of dried chocolate grease. It's weird, sometime the keys are slippery and sometimes they stick. Worst of all I don't have a backspace key anymore. Someone left some vanilla filling on it and I mistook it for a minature twinkie. Oops! Gotta run guys. Not like physically run of course, just figuratively speaking. I have a big meeting with the head of the FCC today. I'll let you know how it turns out. Hopefully it'll go well and I'll be able to reward myself with a new pair of argyle socks.

-The Dotson

Heads Are Going To Roll...

I don't know who did it, I don't know how it happened. But somehow my X-Rays got out. Just look at this! Between Oprah, the Sidekick bathroom idiot, Fantasia's Sidekick escapades, Sue's Book Of Secrets fiasco, and now my X-Rays getting out I think The Nokes is due for a break. Preferably in the neck of whoever posted this pic. I'm kidding, but seriously... their neck. The Nokes is retreating to her moonbase for a week or so to recharge the batteries. But don't worry, the blog isn't going to be taking a break at all. I've decided to have Robert Dotson guest blog for me while I'm gone. Expect Robert's first post tomorrow morning or early afternoon. Depends how long it takes for him to get his hand out of the cookie jar. Tell all of your friends about it. Oh, and yes, someone will be terminated.

-I'll be baaack!

Ugh, Now Fantasia Is Ruining Sidekicks!

I had just wrapped up my dinner with my good friend Charles Barkley, Lil Kim, Kim Kardashian, Jesus, Dr. Phil, and of course C3PO when I received horrific news regarding the momentum we've been losing with Sidekick sales. The Nokes originally attributed the sales problem was due to us having to recall Motorola's version, The Sidekick Slide. By the way, thanks a lot Moto-Jerks. Momma Sue hasn't forgotten... Momma Sue never forgets. Well, it turns out that the sluggish sales had nothing to do with the Slide. Instead, there's a much bigger and disgusting problem: Fantasia. Yes, the same one who won American Idol a couple of years ago. This celebutard had been snapping up pictures pictures of herself in her underwear with her Sidekick 3. Look at exhibit "A."

Nokes Almighty! Did she have to stick out her tounge? Was tat necessary Fantasia? Maybe it's just stuck in the gap in her teeth. Ugh. I mean, we knew that she wasn't going to be texting or using IM when she bought it. It's not like reading is her strong suite, just look at this story about her reading ability or lack there of. But we never, ever, expected this. This has been on the internet since April. I've had engineering purge all Fantasia's pictures from our servers and when I say purge I mean purge. We've incinerated the computers they were stored on, placed a curse on the ashes, and launched the remains into the sun... the Krypton sun. The Nokes is barring Fantasia from ever owning a picture capable phone again. Ever. In fact below is a picture of the only phone Fantasia will ever be allowed to use on our network.

You just try to step out of line Fantasia and this kid will yell that you're beating him in a crowd and immediately begin to beat his torso until he's dialed my direct line. I'll erase you from pop culture if I have to, just like Catherine Zeta-Jones.

-Nokes Out!

PS Thanks for ruining my 50th blog. Now go learn how to read.