2008 Kick Off Update #7

Nokes here. I know most of you are going through Fake Sue blog withdrawal today. I meant to post a little earlier but I've spent the majority of the day trying to find a computer capable of holding my final presentation of the week. Every time I have it copied to a new computer it melts within minutes. There may not be a computer powerful enough to hold it. But that's not what this update is about. 

Rumor has it that there's been a lot of discussion at the kick off about my orientation. At first I thought it was in reference to the orientation of my axis but then C3PO clarified that the questions were in regards to my sexual orientation. That C3PO really has a radar for nailing those kind of subjects down. Well let me put the rumors and questions to rest. The Nokes isn't gay... or straight. The Nokes is beyond those simple terms. The scientific community has deemed my sexual orientation to be "Nokes." Coincidentally, they've also labeled my gender as "Nokes." Confused? Of course you are. You're probably straight or gay. 

Another thing C3PO told me is that people are saying that I have a God complex. That I act so arrogantly that I might as well believe that I am God. I actually already knew people were saying this about me since I am after all omniscient. But don't worry about being punished for your heresy. The Nokes is in a particularly good mood today so I'm going to let it slide like a funnel cake down Dotson's throat. I forgive you, for you know not what you say.

-Nokes Out! 

2008 Kick Off Update #6

Someone stopped me in THE HALLWAY of our hotel this afternoon to ask me where Dotson's at? I keep writing about him but they haven't seen him. First, you may have noticed that I capitalized THE HALLWAY. That's because I'm referring to the hallway that I purchased to house my outfits and jewelry for this week's kick off. I explained that Robert was having his stomach pumped due to a skiing "accident." Well, this nimrod looked confused so I elaborated.

El Dotson went out to the bunny slopes today. After his blood pressure scare today he decided he would try to go the whole day without eating any sweets. Unfortunately, he became delusional and thought that the snow was twinkie cream filling or something. Next thing you know he starts eating all of the snow on the ground. I mean just gorging himself. I swear with Nokes as my witness I heard a tree whisper "gluttony." A child tried to hang himself at the site of this travesty. It was pretty horrific. The bunny slopes have been closed for the rest of the week since there isn't enough snow on them now. Dotson was rushed to the hospital where snow was pumped out.

After I explained what happened to Dotson I asked this employee for their health insurance card. I immediately ripped it up and told them that due to entering THE HALLWAY they no longer had health insurance for the rest of the year. Oh, don't forget team, we're going to be jogging in the rain tomorrow.

-Nokes Out! 

2008 Kick Off Update #5

El Dotson really, really, really, wants to do a presentation today. I of course want him to go back to Seattle faster than Hilary Clinton can conjure up a fake tear. I told him that he was welcome to talk to the masses today as long as his blood pressure was under control. Well we just finish measuring his blood pressure and the result was, I shit you not, "frosting over saturated fat." Now, The Nokes is no doctor but I'm pretty sure that's unhealthy. The machine doesn't know if it was checking a man's blood pressure or a pastry. So needless to say Dotson will not be speaking to the Nokesheads today. You're welcome.


-Nokes Out!

2008 Kick Off Update #4

Morning Nokes-A-Holics. MY good friend Charles Barkley is pushing me to make an appearance at the 2008 Kick Off today. He wants to talk about faxing documents and how a misshaped head can help you succeed. However, I'll probably delay his appearance for until tomorrow. Today we're going to discuss the importance of properly blinging out your outfit as well as the importance of dressing for success. I'll also introduce the latest prototype for our new retail sales uniforms. Here's a preview. Be sure to let The Nokes know what you think. not that it matters:

-Nokes Out!

2008 Kick Off Update #3 (Random Thoughts From My Head)

Some random thoughts beamed directly from The Nokes' brain to the blog:

"Who is this guy on stage? Why isn't he talking about The Nokes. He'd better hit the minimum two Nokes references quota in his presentation."

"Must... not... clench... fist"

"Remember to smile."

"I smell grease. Is that ho Oprah here?"

"What? Oh, Dotson's plane touched down. That explains the grease and increased humidity"

"Note to self, prepare the hot coals for Barry Glassman"

"Next year, no other presenters but The Nokes."

2008 Kick Off Update #2

Here's a quick synopsis of my approach to the stage. I arrived to the center of the stage wearing a black velvet cape trimmed with diamonds. The cape is 40 feet long but never touches the ground do to the fear instilled into it by my glare. C3PO picked out a smashing business suit that was custom made out of actual chain-mail used during the Spanish Inquisition and rubies. It has a sort of metallic magenta look to it. I began by talking about some of our accomplishments from 2007 and some of our failures. I made sure to stare at the 4 ugliest people in the room whenever I discussed T-Mobile's failures. Hopefully that will make them even more insecure than they already must be and they'll just resign by the end of the day. We have to keep T-Mobile hot and sexy people. I then asked a few nonsensical questions to get the crowd ready to accept that I'm the smartest one in the room. Questions like, "If the Earth was flat, how thick would it be?" I then let our first speaker take the floor but not before I reminded everyone in the room that I, Sue Nokes, am the only person in the world who is half-woman, half-amazing.

-Nokes Out!

2008 Kick Off Update #1

Morning Nokes-A-Holics. Already I've got three managers at the Kick Off that are on the "Walking Over Hot Coals" list. The first item on the morning's itinerary was "Do Not Make Eye Contact With The Nokes" followed by "Breakfast." Well, I waited outside the hotel rooms of 3 manager and intently stared at their door until they opened it. Wouldn't you know it, each one made eye contact. Not good people. I'll be taking to the stage shortly to pass on the wisdom that is Nokes. I hope everyone brought their laptop and insurance card with them like I asked.

-Nokes Out!

Over 8 Million in Phones Stolen

You may have heard that 36,000 phones were recently stolen from our warehouse amounting to about 8 million in loses for T-Mobile. Much love to the faithful Nokes-A-Holic that sent me this link to the news story about it. The Nokes doesn't see what all the fuss is about. 8 million? That's nothing. I spend more than that a week on toilet paper alone. Granted, my toilet paper is made from a combination of the manuscripts of Jesus, Dead Sea Scrolls, chronicles from Atlantis, Dinosaur skin, and the diary of Shakespeare. Not only are these the finest and most expensive rare documents/forms of paper available but they are also just things I like to wipe my ass with. I of course don't create any actual waste since I am the world's only immaculate human being but you get my point. So don't worry about T-Mobile and the 8 million dollar loss. If anything I'll dock it from the warehouse employees' pay. Well, not their pay but their parents' Social Security checks. Can't have that employee satisfaction survey look bad.

-Nokes Out!

Another Reason Children Shouldn't Be Taught How To Write

Ho bag numero uno, Kim Kardashian, just sent me this picture. See, this is why The Nokes is a big proponent of not teaching children how to write until they've had a chance to learn about the power and grace that is Sue Nokes. Not only did this child draw this anti-T-Mobile logo but apparently she also drew Hulk Hogan to the left of it pointing at it. Just look at the Fu Manchu mustache on that man, it must the Hulkster. Don't worry Nokesheads, I'm having this rectified immediately. I sent Carmela (pictured right), the woman that I've hired to shake hands and hug people for me, down to re-educate this child. I'm of course, having this sidewalk destroyed and the immediate area lined with Anthrax. Just in case.

-Nokes Out 

2008 Kick Off In Denver Next Week

Buenos Dias Nokes-A-Holics. Nokes here, getting ready for next week's 2008 kick off in Denver, Colorado. The weather next week is going to be perfect for some sneering. Monday we're looking at a low of 14 degrees and a high of 42. I will be providing blog updates on the kick off throughout the week. Remember this year's dress code policy regarding jackets and sweaters: If you wear a jacket or sweater you must wear shorts, sandals, and no socks. 

So what does The Nokes have in store for you next week? Will my good friend Charles Barkley be there? What brilliant new ideas will I share with you? What will I be wearing? Don't worry, those questions will be answered soon enough my minions. I'm thinking about kicking off the meeting with a staring contest. First one to blink has to choose someone to be fired or walk over hot coals. I don't know just yet but I'll think of something fun. I stopped blinking a few years ago so best of luck to whoever faces The Nokes. 

So get ready, we're going to be changing the world next week. Next week will forever be remembered in human history as the time that the world changed. All history from now on will be measured as pre-2008 kick off, or post 2008 kick off. I'll wear outfits you didn't even think were possible to manufacture, you'll feel a cold tingle down you spine when I glare at you, and you'll leave knowing that The Nokes is the brightest star in the sky. See, you don't have to wait for the Earth to rotate on a 47 degree axis so the stars can align to create an equinox in the sky so that you can see the Big Dipper. No, no. All you have to do is call Mama Nokes, the new Big Dipper.

-Nokes Out!