The Reason For All The Changes...

Nokes here. Ready to impart knowledge, wisdom, and perspicuity (look it up). Some of you have been lamenting over changes in commission structure, budget cuts, and restructuring of retail. I fact, some of you have even done so on here. The audacity! I allowed it to go on because I knew that once I showed what that money was being used for you would be so happy and excited for The Nokes that you would feel as if though you had betrayed your own mother... and maybe in a way you have. Now, before you collectively take a dive onto your Samurai swords take a moment to check out Mama Nokes' new rims!

Doesn't knowing that The Nokes will be rolling on these 22 inch Dubs and 110,000 carets make those sacrifices more than worth it? It's more like I did you a favor. Well, I won't be actually driving these anywhere since I only travel by Gold Concord Jet, an intricate system of worldwide tubes, floating, or the occasional moonwalk. But they' do look bling-tastic on my fleet of cars I never drive. Happy New Year!

-Nokes Out

P.S. We may put one of these on the Do More Get More catalog. Just 2.5 million points to get one. One.

It's About Time... Literally

Father Time finally came to his senses. He’s agreed with some coaxing, or should I say Nokesing, to get rid of those ridiculous b.c. and a.d. initials after years in history. Who really even knows what they mean?? Come on, b.c.?? Supposedly the “b” stands for “before” and the “c” is some nobody. From now on there will be b.n. and a.n. Simply put, all history books will be rewritten so everyone will know if it was Before Nokes or After Nokes. The year to differentiate the two is still being worked out since no one quite knows when I came into existence. I guess historians and archaeologists are all pissed off at me now, but I don’t really care. What I am doing is helping the rest of humanity gain more clarity in their lives. Too bad loads of documents will have to be rewritten but, hey, job security right?

On a different note you may have noticed that my MySpace account is no longer in existence. Well, it got canceled by some idiot who obviously doesn’t know the power of The Nokes. Supposedly there is a similar site out there called Facebook. I like the sound of it better because it reminds me of my taxidermy book of faces. Mostly they are faces of enemies. I had it bound and wrapped in Mother Teresa’s sari.

- Nokes Out!

Dotson's Myfaves

I finally accomplished my final goal for 2007: Robert Dotson's Myfaves! My sources in engineering assure me that this screenshot is 100% accurate. Free fake bag of diamonds is on it's way to you gentlemen. So let's begin, clockwise:

1 - Cookie Monster: No surprise here. Robbie and Cookie Monster go way back. Not only do they follow almost the exact same diet, they also both have big furry hands.

2 - 911: At first The Nokes thought that this was odd. But C3PO made a really good point: going on 30 day cookie eating binges with Cookie Monster probably isn't very good for your heart. I said it before, Rob's a smart guy. Always prepared.

3 - Stay Puft Marshmallow Man: You might remember him from the Ghostbusters Movies as the 112 ft living, giant... marshmallow. It's a good thing when someone's hero becomes their friend.

4 - Paris Hilton: The Nokes doesn't even want to know what she's doing here. I'm going to tell myself that they just get together on Saturdays to bejewel their Sidekicks. Yes, that's it.

5 - Sue Nokes: Wait, The Nokes is last? Last!? This is not going to work for The Nokes at all. Expect a call Dotson. An unpleasant one.

Thanks For The Baby Teeth, Your Statehood Is Safe Kansas

Kansas, Kansas, Kansas. I was only kidding about sending me baby teeth as penance. What exactly am I to do with this 64oz. bag of baby teeth that was delivered to me today? Don't get me wrong, The Nokes appreciates your devotion but please think things through first. It is Kansas so I suppose these would have fallen out sooner or later.

My good friend Charles Barkley and I did find a use for some of the teeth. First, I called a big meeting today so that my Devotees (new title for all of my direct reports) could give The Nokes a progress report on "T-Reality." I had the usual engraved granite invitations I use for all of my meetings sent out this afternoon. I bet they were sweating up a storm when they saw them. See, the catch is that there's no such thing as "T-Reality." It's just a little something The Nokes made up to keep the team on their toes. It's just like the time I based their bonuses on staring contests with me. Little did they know that I don't just not sleep, I also don't blink. Ever. 

Barkley's head almost exploded from trying to contain his laughter during the meeting. For Nokessake, someone actually made a Powerpoint about T-Reality and another Devotee brought in that immoral girl from The Real World Vegas, Trishelle. This was all fine and good but the whole point of the meeting was to offer El Dotson a box of Chicklets Gum. Only that I had the Chicklets replaced with pure Kansas Baby Teeth.  The "boss" spent the entire day chewing teeth and holding his jaw. To add insult to injury Lil Kim was staring at Dotson while  popping bubbles with real Chicklets gum the entire 4 hour meeting. Priceless. 

-Nokes Out!

The Kansas Trip Is Off

I had quite the tour planned for Kansas. I was going to hit all of our call centers there as well as all direct and indirect dealers. The trip was going to be capped off with the donation of a pair of one of my signature glasses to a museum of art and a lock of my hair to be put on display at our Wichita center. The Nokes was just about to touch down in Wichita, KS but I noticed something that demanded the plane be turned around: cows.

I don't personally have a problem with cows. The issue at hand is that I made it clear to the state of Kansas that all cows were to be removed from the stat 5 days prior to my arrival. Why isn't important, only that it wasn't done. The pilot started blabbing about the FAA and that we need to register a flightplan with them. Blah, blah, blah. I knocked him out with some ether and flew the plane back to the Nokescave myself. What an unprofessional. Oh, and Kansas, if you ever try to pull a stunt like this again I will have your statehood revoked and have you replaced with Puerto Rico. But for now all I'l demand as penance is a tooth from every child born there this year.

-Nokes Out!

Dom Vito's Daughter Responds To Idiot Below

Sigh. Look at this. I know it's hard but that's a direct order. Dom Vito's long-lost daughter responded to the idiot that originally complained about not getting his Sidekick on the release date. First thing The Nokes noticed is that she really needs two cameras to properly shoot this. Why? Because she is directly facing the camera but only one eye is looking at me. Frankly, even that is one eye too many. First she starts off by gushing about how much she wants a Sidekick but then starts bitching about T-Mobile. Those opinions are as far apart from each other as her eyes. Have a bucket ready as she wraps up her nonsensical rant with, "Ugh, I think I'm going to need a bubblebath." Yes, please take one: in acid.

I'm off to visit Marketing. We need to get a special section added in the next Splash Magazine listing people who are not allowed to apply for service. Two guesses who's taking spot one and dos.

P.S. Nice WWE poster in the background. Maybe John Cena can dropkick your eyes straight for you.

-Nokes Out!

Idiot Complains About T-Mobile On Youtube

Much love to the blog reader that sent over this vid. Free bag of Fake Sue Diamonds is on it's way to you. Not only did this sap make a video complaining about not being able to get a Sidekick LX, he also went all artsy complete with crappy Windows Movie Maker "special" effects and some cheesy piano music from his personal Celine Dion instrumentals collection. If that wasn't bad enough, this half-man half-cholesterol atrocity had the audacity to film himself in his bathtub. The Nokes almost threw up her Giraffe veal dinner. This meatbag was upset because he couldn't get his precious Sidekick LX on the release date even though the 

store had it in stock. 

Money quote: "The Sidekick LX is the latest Sidekick to join the line of Sidekicks, which started with the original"

Yes, funny how most things start with the original.

Let The Nokes break it down for you. The store rep denied you a Sidekick because we don't want you to have one. The Sidekick LX (much like The Nokes) is for the cool and hip. Maybe you were confused and thought it was for fools with big hips. If you're not convinced he doesn't deserve a Sidekick LX feel free to fast forward the video to the 4:23 mark. Just watch Doughboy's face light up as he starts talking about the new World Of Warcraft character he created. The character's name is VonSexi. Unbelievable. 

Listen here nerd, not only will you never ever be allowed to purchase a Sidekick but I'm having your T-Mobile account terminated immediately. Don't pay the bill. The Nokes doesn't even want to be associated with your money. Oh, and should you even try to borrow a friend's Sidekick, I swear with God as my witness, The Nokes will have you skinned and wear you as a coat. 

-Nokes Out

Bennigans & The Spears Family

While visiting a call center today I offered to take the management team there to out to lunch. Their choice of restaurant. Now I didn't actually want to sit down to eat with these people (I usually just eat one large meal a month) but there's no better way to make a group of managers uncomfortable than by confronting them at a sit down restaurant. Try it out sometime. The problem is that they chose some place called Bennigan's.

The first thing I noticed is that the customary rose petals that other centers throw anywhere I step were nowhere to be found. Bad move Kansas. Then I noticed that there is crap all over the walls. A sleigh, a bucket, a marionette? Who the hell decorated this place? Robert Dotson. The Nokes is kiddding, but seriously, did he? I soon realized that this "establishment" is Irish. I assumed that meant we'd all have to eat a bowl of raw potatoes. Instead I ended up with something called a Monte Cristo. It tasted like a bland potato. Actually, I've never had a potato but I'm sure they taste like Monte Cristos. Thankfully I brought my crushed diamond seasoning and platinum utensils.

Eventually I had Kim Kardashian pick me up in the Sue Copter. I'm off to go talk to Britney Spears' little sister . Oh, you didn't hear? She's 16 and pregnant. I'm going to go slap the white trash right out of that family.

-Nokes Out!

C3PO Tries To Make Amends

C3PO got me a little present today. It looks like he's trying to make up for that one hour of my memory that's missing. The Nokes is still not happy about the missing time but this is a start. C3PO got me a pair of gorilla skin mittens. At first I didn't see what was so special about them until C3PO explained that these were made from Koko, the gorilla that uses sign language. Very rare. Only the best for The Nokes. I don't know how he got these but they're fantastic. They're still warm and moist. A matching Koko gorilla skin business suit would've been the icing on the cake. Maybe I'll have something put together for my moonbase. It'll be my Suebaca suit.

Alltel's "Incentive Plan"

I was just finishing up my monthly skin-shedding when I received this video of Alltel's incentive plan for 2007. An Alltel store (or screwshacks as Lil Kim calls them) hit some kind of one day sales record, which for them, probably means they activated a family account with 3 lines on it. So what does Alltel do to reward their employees' hard work? A bonus? Gift cards? Catered lunch? A trip? None of the above. Instead they got to see their loser manager ride his daughter's pink pony stick a block and back.  Way to motivate your employees. I'm sure that news of the manager that rode a pink stick to climax will spread like wildfire throughout Alltel, inspiring productivity to levels previously only seen at the DMV. Just look at this pervert's face. He loves riding this stick. Oh yes Alltel, you're coming for our spot. We're really scared. The Nokes is shaking in her $58,000 house slippers. Even Dotson is sweating over here. There is just gravy everywhere. The Nokes will destroy you fools... destroy you.

PS - Who is still giving their children pony sticks? A Kendo stick, that The Nokes can understand. But a pony stick?

-Nokes Out!