A Long Overdue Goodbye

Nokes here!

I put Charles Barkley in charge of posting this blog but I recently got access to a top secret unfiltered Chinese Internet connection and found out that he had not posted this blog. He will be dealt with swiftly with my original set of medieval weaponry once owned by King Arthur...

...anyway, here is my last and long-overdue blog entry.

As you may have heard, I recently announced something that will change T-Mobile forever.

It was a morning like any other morning -- I fed some fresh giraffe to my pet tiger, was dressed by a billion nanotech robots in my most dashing baby panda skin pantsuit, had C3PO make a delicious breakfast of scrambled sea turtle eggs and baby seal bacon, and washed it all down with a piping hot cup of unfair trade coffee.

As I was reading over my daily intelligence briefings from the White House, Germany, and North Korea, Lil Kim and Charles Barkley walked into the kitchen. They had stayed the night in my 8000 square foot Mediterranean style guest palace the night before. I looked down at my diamoned crusted G4 -- it was 7:30. We knew what we had to do.

I sent Charles Barkley in the solid gold Concord because he's legally not allowed to be in or near a car. I, on the other hand, chose to drive my gold plated Bentley into the office. I needed a few minutes of fresh air to clear my head. When I pulled into the secret parking garage under Newport 5, I found Charles Barkley asleep leaning against a wall. For Nokessake! I think he may have already been drinking. After taking our private escalator, commanded by Rob Schneider, up to the 10th floor, my entourage arrived in Dotson's office.

"Robdog, we're leaving you."

Dotson dropped the box of powdered doughnuts his face was buried in. Powdered sugar was all over his face and on his sweater-vest. "Whaaa doof yuuf me?" He swallowed. "What do you mean? Why? When? Can we talk about this?"

No, we couldn't talk about this... my work at T-Mobile was done. It's all been an evil plot. All I've ever wanted was to permanantly live on my moonbase with my closest friends Charles Barkley and Lil Kim. The plan was going well until Charles Barkley lost his license for that silly DUI a few months ago -- I didn't think modern technology could determine if an individiual was intoxicated by power and baby tears. Anyway, I've been secretly abusing my position at T-Mobile to collect the items I needed for my moonbase.

I've had Verne Troyer, better known as Mini-Me from the Austin Powers Movie Series, hiding in Dotson's office collecting crumbs. I've promised him a spot in my moonbase because we all know just how cute he is in a little silver moon base suit. Anyway, C3PO has sorted all the crumbs and has used the 3G frequency radiation I borrowed from Cole to reconstitute and irradiate enough food to keep the moonbase running for 45 years.

Ever since the "Other Rob" came into my office and put his feet on my original Resolute Desk, built in 1880 from the timbers of the British Frigate Resolute, personally donated to me by Queen Victoria , I have been on a mission to destroy him. I've got your sheriff right here, asshole.

I've wired his bicycles with kinetic energy collection devices. Not only has it made it several times harder for him to ride his bike, he has personally generated enough energy to power my moonbase until, according to Brian Kirk Patrick's calculations, 2110! Nokes went green, bitches!

My most recent masterpiece has been in my sabatogue of Other Rob's personal pet project, that stupid IM thingy. For the longest time, no one could figure out why when one agent sent a marble it wasn't received on the other end. Well, my Nokesters, it was me. Muwhahaha! I personally tasked John Birrer with collecting them. I gave him a prototype Dyson Vaccuum cleaner and hid him in the floor of the Bothell Data Center. We almost got caught several times -- do you know how big that man's head is??It's impossible to sneak him anywhere! Anyway, we collected the marbles, ground them up into a powder, added a dash of Alticomm, and created the strongest glass the world has ever seen. My personal friend the Obamanator complimented me just the other day on my moon base's awe-inspiring panoramic views. In fact, he's put my moonbase down as his preferred continuity of government location.

Lots of people have reacted to the news of me leaving. I took Solid Gold Concord down to Albuquerque the other day, and the agents cried and wailed when I showed up. C3PO ran around and collected all the tears from the agents. I like the tears of Albuquerque agents -- they're spicy and have just a hint of red chile. They taste great in a Bloody Mary!

NASA was so saddened by my departure that they gave me a special spacesuit for my final trip to the moon. JD Powers and Associates, upon hearing the news, awarded me with their "Highest Overall Satisfaction for a Diety other than Jesus" lifetime award. I almost didn't accept it because even Jesus doesn't get an invitation to my cocktail parties... but I posed for a picture in the spacesuit in front of my new flag anyway.

Most of all, the ghost writers (there are many of them) of my blog have expressed extreme sadness in my departure. Although they have given me a lot of shit over the years, they appreciate all I've done for the company -- my relentless dedication to customer service that has won us countless awards and respect in the industry, the fact that I'm a positive role model to agents and truly believe they are #1, my ecclectic sense of fashion, and my questionable use of company resources. They know I will truly be missed.

I have just a few days left in this transitional period. People ask me if T-Mobile will change after I leave. I know, deep down in my heart, that T-Mobile will always be the beacon of customer satisfaction, champion of great value, and advocate of seamless personal connections that we have all made it over the past seven years. I'm confident that T-Mo will pull out of this slump and be on the way to the top in no time.

It won't be long before I take my final trip to the moon, never to come back... but you can pretty much be sure this isn't the last you've seen of the Nokes.

YOU CANT QUIT THE NOKES, BITCHES!

New Company Incentives/Sweet Justice/New Seperation Procedure

Nokes here. I just had my monthly skin shedding, a glass of chilled tears, and a brilliant idea. Not that anyone is surprised. After all, I think so deep that I eat religion and shit enlightenment. The Nokes' new idea is so great that it will work as new company incentive tool and also process all new separations for corporate schlubs ala John Birrer. What is it? Simple. I've had my right arm replaced with a medieval mace.

Fall below business standards? MACE! Make eye contact with The Nokes while I visit your call center? MACE! Look at my new mace? MACE! I think you get the idea. My new mace or as I call her, Sweet Justice, will also take care of processing all executive seperations. I'm having Lil Kim send out meeting makers as I type. Enjoy your day. BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA!!!!

-Nokes Out!

Oh No He Didn't

So I was sitting at a Park just outside of T-Mobile's HQ, unblinkingly staring at children while suffocating a clown when I was interrupted my one of my Fave 5 contacts: My Good Friend Charles Barkley.



Charles: Thue! Thue! Yousa herda boutsa beer blog.

Nokes: Dammit Charles! I can barely understand a word you're saying. You sound like a drunk Jar Jar Binx. It's Thursday, 4:20pm, do you know what you're interrupting?

Charles: Clown chokins atsa park?

Nokes: Exactly. A blog about beer doesn't sound important. So unless your going to cheer
up The Nokes with news that there actually were casualties in that earthquake that hit California...

Charles: No, Thue... Beer-er. Notsa Beer.

Nokes: John Birrer has a Fake John Birrer Blog? That giant headed son of a bitch! Mama Nokes will deal with him. It's time we deflate that head of his to a somewhat proportionate size.

After hanging up with My Good Friend Charles Barkely I returned my attention to the children. Damn that Birrer. The clown is already passed out and I missed out on their initial cries of panic. I quickly had C3PO save what tears were left and store them to mix with some vodka later. The Nokes has some business to take care of.

In the meantime you can read John Birrer's blog as http://fakejohnbirrer.blogspot.com/ You know, the one that will never be as good as The Nokes'. Go let him know how great I am.

-Nokes Out!

Da Nokes Is Back!

That's right my little ones... All is right once again with the world. The Nokes is back! And judging by the amount of suicide letters I've received from T-Mobile employees, not a moment too soon. I was this close to having enough suicide letters to cover my entire Moonbase. In fact, I was going to stick it out a litle longer but my people cry out for me. Actually, we were starting to become understaffed due to so many employees following through on their letter. Whatevs. Instead I'll just make shower curtains out of the letter, or a diaper for John Birrer.

Speaking of Birrer, has anyone noticed how large this man's head is? Have you any idea how hard it is to sit in a meeting with him and not get caught in orbit by his head's gravitational pull. Just look at this. I had to use such a tiny picture to ensure none of your computers would be sucked into that vortex sitting on top of his neck.
If this isn't proof that this isn't a good I don't know what is. his head is literally taking up 75% of that picture. now don't missunderstand The Nokes. John's a great guy... as long as you're not edible. If he visits your center just do your best to not look edible. I usually use my slimy skin and shady soul to shape shift into an anthrax laced double-edge sword, which just so happens to be my natural shape.

Back From the Moon Base

Nokes here. I haven’t posted recently because I’ve been undergoing my semi-annual regeneration cycle on my moon base. Since I never sleep, the regeneration cycle is a standard practice for me every couple of years, but it comes with dire consequences. First it leaves Dotson with the impression that he’s in charge and he begins to make all sorts of changes after the first few days. The Nokes has to stamp out that kind of action immediately upon returning to the office. Usually all it takes is a box of Girl Scout Thin Mints to get him to settle down, but this time he was a bit more forceful than usual, so I made C3PO take him to Chuck E’ Cheeses for the day.

Another thing that happens when I’m in my regeneration cycle is the severe natural disasters you’ve been seeing on the news lately. As soon as I was back on Earth, my good friend Charles Barkley called me with the extent of the damage and I must say I’m impressed. You see, the Nokes controls all of the Earth’s weather patterns from her Diamond encrusted Blackberry Curve, and when it’s turned off, people die.

So now I’m off to take my nightly bath in a gold bathtub filled with the tears of orphaned Burmese children. Nokes out.

About My Amazing Leather Outfits

Many, many, many, of you have asked where I get my incredible leather outfits and business suits. Honestly, how often do you see a company officer decked out in a lime green, all leather, business suit? Not to mention the 50 carat diamond gloves I've been sporting as of late. That's style. One of the most frequent questions is how do I get the leather dyed in those colors. The answer: I don't.

Instead I have an entire farm of genetically engineered cows in an assortment of colors. I don't take care of these cows myself of course. I have a team of orphans that I picked up with the promise of an education and toys to take care of them. it's like killing two birds with one stone since I can then use the children's tears for my bubble baths. It's Nokestastic. That's enough secrets for one day.


-Nokes Out!

C3P0, the Philippines, and Sodomy

The Nokes thinks she might be sad. Not sure though because I’ve never felt this way but am told by my doctor I show the symptoms. The fact that my doctor suggested I remotely showed signs that “normal” people have every day was cause for his immediate expiration. C3P0 was fired today. That’s my second personal shopper in less than 1 year! For Nokessake! I thought he would be around forever since he’s a gay robot and all but apparently my bike team has converted him after they left my moonbase to set up a commune on the island of Lesbos. Apparently C3P0 is their love slave and straps on that highlighter somewhere and somehow all these bitches get sexual pleasure from his highlighting skills.

Speaking of love slaves let me tell you about the insane decision T-Mobile made. I received some complaints from Sales about our Customer Care sites changing hours of operation and how its affecting customers since they are no longer available 24/7, blah, blah, blah, blah. Normally I would have each of their store tigers turn on them and eat them in front of a family in the store but then I learned that we off-shored a site in the Philippines! What? The Philippines? I had made it clear that our first off-shore site would be in Cuba. I had already promised Fidel the General Manager position and he was in training after stepping down from his presidency! Rest assured The Nokes took care of those that outsourced to the Philippines by sodomizing them with Cuban cigars and fire. In the words of Lil Kim - Puff, puff give motha-fucker!

- Nokes Out!

Wrestling with My Demons

Afternoon Nokesaholics. Don't let the blog title fool you. I don't mean that I was wrestling with some horrible thing from my past. You see, The Nokes doesn't really work out, but when I want to get in some physical activity I actually wrestle with 2 demons that I own. Not only is it good exercise but it scares the hell out of everyone in Washington whenever I bring them into the gym at work. Dotson usually soils himself which aside from the smell (smells like freshly baked donuts) is pretty much hilarious. My good friend Charles Barkley suggested I give my 2 demons a job in HR. I'm definitely taking it under advisement. You may be wondering just how I obtained 2 demons. Let's just say that the Satan has an affinity for my management style.

-Nokes Out!

No Lube For You Suncom

You may have heard about our recent merger with Suncom. If you didn't I'd recommend that for the sake of your face's current configuration you pretend like you did. Anywho, the deal basicaly came about because I, The Nokes, didn't get service while in some Nokesforesaken carribean island that has the balls to call itself a country. I took my gold concord jet straight to the "offices" at Suncom. Their so called office is basically a shed with some wallpaper and shag carpeting. Lil Kim and I stormed in and offered to by them out for 1 billion dollars. These nitwits declined so I then advised them that I was now taking their company for them and all they were going to get was 100 million and a box of pop tarts. They gladly accepted, although I think Kim's glock may have had something to do with that.

So what of the Suncom employees? The plan is to have them limbo for their jobs. It's like giving the entire company a giant titty twister. Nokes style.

-Nokes Out!

The Bitch Is Back!

Nokes here. I was SHOCKED to find out that my blog was no longer being published. Usually I'm the one that does the shocking, preferably while someone is tied up with their feet in a bucket of water that I've connected to a car battery. You know, the usual. I reminded the disgruntled ex-employee author that I still own their soul and that they MUST continue writing. It seems that this moron forgot that while humans are made up of 90% water, The Nokes is made up of 90% bile. So here I am, back in effect as Lil Kim would say. I'll be back a little later to blog about the incredibly long corn-holing we gave Suncom on this merger. Like I said, The Bitch is back, so watch your.. um... back. Yeah.

All Good Things...

... must come to an end. Unfortunately, this blog is no different. This blog started out as just something to do for fun. I never imagined that there would be 85 posts in just a few months' time. However, it's becoming increasingly difficult to come up with funny topics that are somehow Nokes or T-Mobile related. The Fake Sue character has been a lot of fun to do but it's becoming more of a chore than something I enjoy. Also, I want the blog to go out on a high note rather than have it gradually get less and less funny or interesting. Maybe one day I'll dust off her moonbase, C3PO, and her good friend Charles Barkley. But for now, The Nokes is going into her hyperbaric chamber for a well deserved nap. Thanks to everyone who posted a comment or e-mailed me about the blog. The page itself will remain up as will the previous blogs. Thanks again. It's been fun.

-Fake Sue Nokes Author Out!

More Highlighter Trouble

The Nokes here. I didn't blog yesterday due to having to spend the entire day coaxing the women's cycling team out of their room. Ever since I gave them the T-Mobile highlighters they have just spent all of their time in their room moaning and excitedly highlighting documents. It's out of control. The only way I was able to get them out of their rooms was by stealing their highlighters and putting them on their bicycle seats. Anyway, they're now riding those seats faster than they ever have before. What can I say? The Nokes is a genius, just like Mussolini.

-Nokes Out!

I don't See The Problem With This Highlighter At All

The Nokes just doesn't get it. Apparently, this highlighter that we sent out to all of our offices last year is still causing quite the commotion. Some people insist that the highlighter (pictured left) resembles whatever that thing is to the right of it. I just don't see what you people are talking about. Nokesdammit I get a call from HR about one of these things just about everyday! It's absolutely ridiculous. How dare HR call me, the Nokesmeister, about any complaints. Lil Kim must be getting tired from all of the HR employees she's had to go regulate on.

But back to the highlighter. There are two models. Most models had magenta hair sticking out the top of the head like those little troll dolls. This hairless, or "shaved" model, highlights just as well but minus the hair. Personally,  I always thought that this one would be sleeker and provide less friction when highlighting. I wouldn't know for sure though since as you know, I don't use a highlighter because every word I write is important. This is why all of my memos are sent on bright magenta or bright yellow paper. 

Anyway, we spent a lot of money on these gorgeous highlighters yet all I get are complaints about how questionable they look. People are getting offended. Well, if I don't get offended by it then it's certainly not offensive. I just gave a case of these to T-Mobile's Women's Cycling Team last night and they love them. They said that using these was a thrilling experience. How many times do you hear that about a highlighter? In fact, the only complaint that they had was that they wish it was bigger. Which I can only assume means that they want a bigger version so that it will hold more highlighting fluid. C3PO volunteered to order and test a bigger model so expect a bigger, thicker, and more powerful T-Mobile highlighter this year.

-Nokes Out!

About Our Mother's Day Ads

Marketing just sent over these new Mother's Day ads over to myself and El Dotson. My good friend Charles Barkley thinks that some people may get offended. This is coming from a man that threw someone through the window of a bar a few years ago. Don't believe The Nokes? Read about it here. Personally, I don't see what he was talking about. This is the note he sent me:

"Stik n to yo momma nasty not good. uh no. she lika it. i fax a dokiment fromma bibble. don't stick to momma lika dat."

It's going to be a long day for The Nokes. I'll definitely need to drink a glass of chilled tears at the end of this one.

-Nokes Out!

And The New T-Mobile Women's Cycling Team Coach Is...

... The Nokes of course. Just look at these ladies and their powerful legs. Yes... Anyway, who better than The Nokes to help train and lead a team to victory. Just look at what I've done with myself, Dotson, and those other dispensable white guys that sit at the big table over in WA. Speaking of Dotson, ever since the Denver trip he's been on a strict diet... of snow cones. Apparently he's been talking about how he won't let some "food" beat him. I imagine he's referring to the day that he gorged himself on a small mountain of snow and had to be rushed to the hospital to have his stomach pumped. First I thought that he  just figured it was vanilla or frosting. That would've actually been better than the truth. The truth is that he took the term "snow cone" to a whole new level. Sigh.

 First order of business is to build team unity. This is why I'm having the women's cycling team move in with me in my moonbase. Not only will our close quarters help the team to bond with their new coach but it will also keep away prying eyes. Because as you know, we can't have anyone learning The Nokes' special techniques. I have a simple motto for our cycling team: Destroy the competition completely or The Nokes will completely destroy you.  I've hung up the following posters around the moonbase to provide motivation.

 The Nokes will be back a little later. I need to go measure/fit the girls for their new uniforms. 

-Nokes Out!

The Rest Of The Values

Nokes here. A few people, who will soon be unemployed, pointed out that I didn't cover all of the values. Nokes Almighty, I know that you can't get enough of my wisdom but if you had taken the time to read my post you would have seen that I wasn't covering all of the values. However, since you're dying for another hit of that sweet Nokes ecstacy pill I will now baptise you with my awesomenessity.

-Our frontline employees (CSRs, RSRs, Field Techs) are #1 and the customer is why = YOU ARE FIRST ON THE FIRING LINE. LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY. IF YOU OR ANYONE ELSE SCREW UP YOU ARE GONE AND NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN

-Customer delight drives actions = THE NOKES IS THE CUSTOMER AND I HAD BEST BE DELIGHTED

-Recognize and celebrate team success= I'M TOO BUSY BUYING DIAMONDS, DRINKING HOLY WATER, & BACKING PUPPIES INTO A CORNER TO RECOGNIZE YOU. YOU'D BEST DO IT YOURSELF BECAUSE I CERTAINLY WON'T.

P.S. Memorization of the new value meanings will soon be mandatory for all employees and their children. There will be a test.

So I Googled Myself...

... and this picture of an 89 year old pimp/recent college graduate came up. What in the hell is this about? First of all, I clearly told Google that I didn't want to see any other Nokes but me when I use their search engine. I was hoping that this was just Dotson at his part time gig but it turns out that this old fart's name is John Nokes. Nokes! Judging from the pin stripe suit he fancies himself a pimp and a member of the mafia. I've sent Lil Kim and ironically, 36 Mafia, to teach this Nokes wannabe a lesson. You will rue the day that you skinned a lanky fox and attached it to a red bed sheet. Remember John, news is my hooker and truth is her pimp!

-Nokes Out

More Kick Off Thoughts

Nokes here. Let's talk values. The Nokes is not good with words. In fact, The Nokes is the BEST with words. For this reason, we had to dumb-down some of the T-Mobile values so everyone would be able to understand them and not get offended. So while I acted like I was listening to some Sales Manager nobodies I put together a list of some values along with their original intent. It's my simple way of boosting morale since all T-Mobile employees would give their kidney for a glimpse into the mind of The Nokes:

- Trust in the positive intentions of others = DO NOT QUESTION ANYTHING I DO!

- I am T-Mobile. Count on me = DO NOT FUCK UP OR YOU WILL LOSE YOUR JOB!

- Practice Team-Together, Team Apart = I AM WATCHING EVERYTHING YOU DO EVEN WHEN YOU'RE NOT AT WORK SO BE VERY CAREFUL!

- Leaders coach and develop leaders = THE LESS YOU KNOW ABOUT YOUR JOB, THE BETTER. FIGURE IT OUT WITH YOUR IDIOTIC CO-WORKERS.

- Think Big, Act Small = DO NOT CROSS ME OR I WILL EAT YOU! YOUR IDEAS ARE STUPID AND NOT WELCOME!

Thank Nokes this Kick Off is almost over! Whoever decided on Denver for this event will be fired. Next year it's going to be on my moon base and T-Mobile won't be paying for the travel or hotel accommodations.

- Nokes Out!

(Note: all employees must give me a kidney by the end of Q1)

2008 Kick Off Update #9

Today's the closing day of the 2008 kick off and I have to admit, The Nokes is ready to head back for a little R&R. After a stressful week of bathing everyone in my wisdom it's time for The Nokes to relax. I'll be taking my Gold Concord Jet home to my moonbase in the early afternoon. Once home I'll relax by putting on some of my favorite crying babies tracks on my ipod. A child's crying has always been very soothing to me. From there, I'll throw in a few of my favorite movies. I'll probably go with The Shining, The Passion Of The Christ, Titanic, Glory, and My Girl. You know, just some comedies to help The Nokes relax. I like to watch them all at once for maximum laughter. It's also the first of the month so that means I'll begin my monthly skin shedding tonight as well. Then maybe tomorrow some hoops with my good friend Charles Barkley. Also, I hear there's something big happening this Sunday. I'm assuming it's some kind of parade being thrown in my honor.

-Nokes Out

2008 Kick Off Update #8

The Nokes has just about had it with this hotel. First of all, I had requested for all of the beds from my wing to be removed. I don't sleep after all so what's the point in having them here. guess what I found on the 30th room of my wing... a bed! Nokes Almighty! I also made it clear that I needed to have a closet to store my Oompa Loompas so that they could carry me everywhere I went. I guess they weren't given a room last night and now they're loose in Denver, attacking children everywhere. Yes, I realize that the attacking of children by Oompa Loompas is hilarious but now I have to moonwalk everywhere. What's worse is that the Fantasia kid phone has been activated. It was hard to understand the kid while he was talking but it seems like Fantasia got a hold of a Sidekick again. Maybe she had something to do with the theft of those phones. After all, she is one of those people... an American Idol contestant. Alright, The Nokes is heading back to The Kick Off. If anyone so much as attempts to breath any air that I've exhaled you will be docked 30% of your pay.

-Nokes Out!