All Good Things...

... must come to an end. Unfortunately, this blog is no different. This blog started out as just something to do for fun. I never imagined that there would be 85 posts in just a few months' time. However, it's becoming increasingly difficult to come up with funny topics that are somehow Nokes or T-Mobile related. The Fake Sue character has been a lot of fun to do but it's becoming more of a chore than something I enjoy. Also, I want the blog to go out on a high note rather than have it gradually get less and less funny or interesting. Maybe one day I'll dust off her moonbase, C3PO, and her good friend Charles Barkley. But for now, The Nokes is going into her hyperbaric chamber for a well deserved nap. Thanks to everyone who posted a comment or e-mailed me about the blog. The page itself will remain up as will the previous blogs. Thanks again. It's been fun.

-Fake Sue Nokes Author Out!

More Highlighter Trouble

The Nokes here. I didn't blog yesterday due to having to spend the entire day coaxing the women's cycling team out of their room. Ever since I gave them the T-Mobile highlighters they have just spent all of their time in their room moaning and excitedly highlighting documents. It's out of control. The only way I was able to get them out of their rooms was by stealing their highlighters and putting them on their bicycle seats. Anyway, they're now riding those seats faster than they ever have before. What can I say? The Nokes is a genius, just like Mussolini.

-Nokes Out!

I don't See The Problem With This Highlighter At All

The Nokes just doesn't get it. Apparently, this highlighter that we sent out to all of our offices last year is still causing quite the commotion. Some people insist that the highlighter (pictured left) resembles whatever that thing is to the right of it. I just don't see what you people are talking about. Nokesdammit I get a call from HR about one of these things just about everyday! It's absolutely ridiculous. How dare HR call me, the Nokesmeister, about any complaints. Lil Kim must be getting tired from all of the HR employees she's had to go regulate on.

But back to the highlighter. There are two models. Most models had magenta hair sticking out the top of the head like those little troll dolls. This hairless, or "shaved" model, highlights just as well but minus the hair. Personally,  I always thought that this one would be sleeker and provide less friction when highlighting. I wouldn't know for sure though since as you know, I don't use a highlighter because every word I write is important. This is why all of my memos are sent on bright magenta or bright yellow paper. 

Anyway, we spent a lot of money on these gorgeous highlighters yet all I get are complaints about how questionable they look. People are getting offended. Well, if I don't get offended by it then it's certainly not offensive. I just gave a case of these to T-Mobile's Women's Cycling Team last night and they love them. They said that using these was a thrilling experience. How many times do you hear that about a highlighter? In fact, the only complaint that they had was that they wish it was bigger. Which I can only assume means that they want a bigger version so that it will hold more highlighting fluid. C3PO volunteered to order and test a bigger model so expect a bigger, thicker, and more powerful T-Mobile highlighter this year.

-Nokes Out!

About Our Mother's Day Ads

Marketing just sent over these new Mother's Day ads over to myself and El Dotson. My good friend Charles Barkley thinks that some people may get offended. This is coming from a man that threw someone through the window of a bar a few years ago. Don't believe The Nokes? Read about it here. Personally, I don't see what he was talking about. This is the note he sent me:

"Stik n to yo momma nasty not good. uh no. she lika it. i fax a dokiment fromma bibble. don't stick to momma lika dat."

It's going to be a long day for The Nokes. I'll definitely need to drink a glass of chilled tears at the end of this one.

-Nokes Out!

And The New T-Mobile Women's Cycling Team Coach Is...

... The Nokes of course. Just look at these ladies and their powerful legs. Yes... Anyway, who better than The Nokes to help train and lead a team to victory. Just look at what I've done with myself, Dotson, and those other dispensable white guys that sit at the big table over in WA. Speaking of Dotson, ever since the Denver trip he's been on a strict diet... of snow cones. Apparently he's been talking about how he won't let some "food" beat him. I imagine he's referring to the day that he gorged himself on a small mountain of snow and had to be rushed to the hospital to have his stomach pumped. First I thought that he  just figured it was vanilla or frosting. That would've actually been better than the truth. The truth is that he took the term "snow cone" to a whole new level. Sigh.

 First order of business is to build team unity. This is why I'm having the women's cycling team move in with me in my moonbase. Not only will our close quarters help the team to bond with their new coach but it will also keep away prying eyes. Because as you know, we can't have anyone learning The Nokes' special techniques. I have a simple motto for our cycling team: Destroy the competition completely or The Nokes will completely destroy you.  I've hung up the following posters around the moonbase to provide motivation.

 The Nokes will be back a little later. I need to go measure/fit the girls for their new uniforms. 

-Nokes Out!

The Rest Of The Values

Nokes here. A few people, who will soon be unemployed, pointed out that I didn't cover all of the values. Nokes Almighty, I know that you can't get enough of my wisdom but if you had taken the time to read my post you would have seen that I wasn't covering all of the values. However, since you're dying for another hit of that sweet Nokes ecstacy pill I will now baptise you with my awesomenessity.

-Our frontline employees (CSRs, RSRs, Field Techs) are #1 and the customer is why = YOU ARE FIRST ON THE FIRING LINE. LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY. IF YOU OR ANYONE ELSE SCREW UP YOU ARE GONE AND NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN

-Customer delight drives actions = THE NOKES IS THE CUSTOMER AND I HAD BEST BE DELIGHTED

-Recognize and celebrate team success= I'M TOO BUSY BUYING DIAMONDS, DRINKING HOLY WATER, & BACKING PUPPIES INTO A CORNER TO RECOGNIZE YOU. YOU'D BEST DO IT YOURSELF BECAUSE I CERTAINLY WON'T.

P.S. Memorization of the new value meanings will soon be mandatory for all employees and their children. There will be a test.

So I Googled Myself...

... and this picture of an 89 year old pimp/recent college graduate came up. What in the hell is this about? First of all, I clearly told Google that I didn't want to see any other Nokes but me when I use their search engine. I was hoping that this was just Dotson at his part time gig but it turns out that this old fart's name is John Nokes. Nokes! Judging from the pin stripe suit he fancies himself a pimp and a member of the mafia. I've sent Lil Kim and ironically, 36 Mafia, to teach this Nokes wannabe a lesson. You will rue the day that you skinned a lanky fox and attached it to a red bed sheet. Remember John, news is my hooker and truth is her pimp!

-Nokes Out

More Kick Off Thoughts

Nokes here. Let's talk values. The Nokes is not good with words. In fact, The Nokes is the BEST with words. For this reason, we had to dumb-down some of the T-Mobile values so everyone would be able to understand them and not get offended. So while I acted like I was listening to some Sales Manager nobodies I put together a list of some values along with their original intent. It's my simple way of boosting morale since all T-Mobile employees would give their kidney for a glimpse into the mind of The Nokes:

- Trust in the positive intentions of others = DO NOT QUESTION ANYTHING I DO!

- I am T-Mobile. Count on me = DO NOT FUCK UP OR YOU WILL LOSE YOUR JOB!

- Practice Team-Together, Team Apart = I AM WATCHING EVERYTHING YOU DO EVEN WHEN YOU'RE NOT AT WORK SO BE VERY CAREFUL!

- Leaders coach and develop leaders = THE LESS YOU KNOW ABOUT YOUR JOB, THE BETTER. FIGURE IT OUT WITH YOUR IDIOTIC CO-WORKERS.

- Think Big, Act Small = DO NOT CROSS ME OR I WILL EAT YOU! YOUR IDEAS ARE STUPID AND NOT WELCOME!

Thank Nokes this Kick Off is almost over! Whoever decided on Denver for this event will be fired. Next year it's going to be on my moon base and T-Mobile won't be paying for the travel or hotel accommodations.

- Nokes Out!

(Note: all employees must give me a kidney by the end of Q1)

2008 Kick Off Update #9

Today's the closing day of the 2008 kick off and I have to admit, The Nokes is ready to head back for a little R&R. After a stressful week of bathing everyone in my wisdom it's time for The Nokes to relax. I'll be taking my Gold Concord Jet home to my moonbase in the early afternoon. Once home I'll relax by putting on some of my favorite crying babies tracks on my ipod. A child's crying has always been very soothing to me. From there, I'll throw in a few of my favorite movies. I'll probably go with The Shining, The Passion Of The Christ, Titanic, Glory, and My Girl. You know, just some comedies to help The Nokes relax. I like to watch them all at once for maximum laughter. It's also the first of the month so that means I'll begin my monthly skin shedding tonight as well. Then maybe tomorrow some hoops with my good friend Charles Barkley. Also, I hear there's something big happening this Sunday. I'm assuming it's some kind of parade being thrown in my honor.

-Nokes Out

2008 Kick Off Update #8

The Nokes has just about had it with this hotel. First of all, I had requested for all of the beds from my wing to be removed. I don't sleep after all so what's the point in having them here. guess what I found on the 30th room of my wing... a bed! Nokes Almighty! I also made it clear that I needed to have a closet to store my Oompa Loompas so that they could carry me everywhere I went. I guess they weren't given a room last night and now they're loose in Denver, attacking children everywhere. Yes, I realize that the attacking of children by Oompa Loompas is hilarious but now I have to moonwalk everywhere. What's worse is that the Fantasia kid phone has been activated. It was hard to understand the kid while he was talking but it seems like Fantasia got a hold of a Sidekick again. Maybe she had something to do with the theft of those phones. After all, she is one of those people... an American Idol contestant. Alright, The Nokes is heading back to The Kick Off. If anyone so much as attempts to breath any air that I've exhaled you will be docked 30% of your pay.

-Nokes Out!