It's About Time... Literally

Father Time finally came to his senses. He’s agreed with some coaxing, or should I say Nokesing, to get rid of those ridiculous b.c. and a.d. initials after years in history. Who really even knows what they mean?? Come on, b.c.?? Supposedly the “b” stands for “before” and the “c” is some nobody. From now on there will be b.n. and a.n. Simply put, all history books will be rewritten so everyone will know if it was Before Nokes or After Nokes. The year to differentiate the two is still being worked out since no one quite knows when I came into existence. I guess historians and archaeologists are all pissed off at me now, but I don’t really care. What I am doing is helping the rest of humanity gain more clarity in their lives. Too bad loads of documents will have to be rewritten but, hey, job security right?

On a different note you may have noticed that my MySpace account is no longer in existence. Well, it got canceled by some idiot who obviously doesn’t know the power of The Nokes. Supposedly there is a similar site out there called Facebook. I like the sound of it better because it reminds me of my taxidermy book of faces. Mostly they are faces of enemies. I had it bound and wrapped in Mother Teresa’s sari.

- Nokes Out!

Dotson's Myfaves

I finally accomplished my final goal for 2007: Robert Dotson's Myfaves! My sources in engineering assure me that this screenshot is 100% accurate. Free fake bag of diamonds is on it's way to you gentlemen. So let's begin, clockwise:

1 - Cookie Monster: No surprise here. Robbie and Cookie Monster go way back. Not only do they follow almost the exact same diet, they also both have big furry hands.

2 - 911: At first The Nokes thought that this was odd. But C3PO made a really good point: going on 30 day cookie eating binges with Cookie Monster probably isn't very good for your heart. I said it before, Rob's a smart guy. Always prepared.

3 - Stay Puft Marshmallow Man: You might remember him from the Ghostbusters Movies as the 112 ft living, giant... marshmallow. It's a good thing when someone's hero becomes their friend.

4 - Paris Hilton: The Nokes doesn't even want to know what she's doing here. I'm going to tell myself that they just get together on Saturdays to bejewel their Sidekicks. Yes, that's it.

5 - Sue Nokes: Wait, The Nokes is last? Last!? This is not going to work for The Nokes at all. Expect a call Dotson. An unpleasant one.

Thanks For The Baby Teeth, Your Statehood Is Safe Kansas

Kansas, Kansas, Kansas. I was only kidding about sending me baby teeth as penance. What exactly am I to do with this 64oz. bag of baby teeth that was delivered to me today? Don't get me wrong, The Nokes appreciates your devotion but please think things through first. It is Kansas so I suppose these would have fallen out sooner or later.

My good friend Charles Barkley and I did find a use for some of the teeth. First, I called a big meeting today so that my Devotees (new title for all of my direct reports) could give The Nokes a progress report on "T-Reality." I had the usual engraved granite invitations I use for all of my meetings sent out this afternoon. I bet they were sweating up a storm when they saw them. See, the catch is that there's no such thing as "T-Reality." It's just a little something The Nokes made up to keep the team on their toes. It's just like the time I based their bonuses on staring contests with me. Little did they know that I don't just not sleep, I also don't blink. Ever. 

Barkley's head almost exploded from trying to contain his laughter during the meeting. For Nokessake, someone actually made a Powerpoint about T-Reality and another Devotee brought in that immoral girl from The Real World Vegas, Trishelle. This was all fine and good but the whole point of the meeting was to offer El Dotson a box of Chicklets Gum. Only that I had the Chicklets replaced with pure Kansas Baby Teeth.  The "boss" spent the entire day chewing teeth and holding his jaw. To add insult to injury Lil Kim was staring at Dotson while  popping bubbles with real Chicklets gum the entire 4 hour meeting. Priceless. 

-Nokes Out!

The Kansas Trip Is Off

I had quite the tour planned for Kansas. I was going to hit all of our call centers there as well as all direct and indirect dealers. The trip was going to be capped off with the donation of a pair of one of my signature glasses to a museum of art and a lock of my hair to be put on display at our Wichita center. The Nokes was just about to touch down in Wichita, KS but I noticed something that demanded the plane be turned around: cows.

I don't personally have a problem with cows. The issue at hand is that I made it clear to the state of Kansas that all cows were to be removed from the stat 5 days prior to my arrival. Why isn't important, only that it wasn't done. The pilot started blabbing about the FAA and that we need to register a flightplan with them. Blah, blah, blah. I knocked him out with some ether and flew the plane back to the Nokescave myself. What an unprofessional. Oh, and Kansas, if you ever try to pull a stunt like this again I will have your statehood revoked and have you replaced with Puerto Rico. But for now all I'l demand as penance is a tooth from every child born there this year.

-Nokes Out!

Dom Vito's Daughter Responds To Idiot Below

Sigh. Look at this. I know it's hard but that's a direct order. Dom Vito's long-lost daughter responded to the idiot that originally complained about not getting his Sidekick on the release date. First thing The Nokes noticed is that she really needs two cameras to properly shoot this. Why? Because she is directly facing the camera but only one eye is looking at me. Frankly, even that is one eye too many. First she starts off by gushing about how much she wants a Sidekick but then starts bitching about T-Mobile. Those opinions are as far apart from each other as her eyes. Have a bucket ready as she wraps up her nonsensical rant with, "Ugh, I think I'm going to need a bubblebath." Yes, please take one: in acid.

I'm off to visit Marketing. We need to get a special section added in the next Splash Magazine listing people who are not allowed to apply for service. Two guesses who's taking spot one and dos.

P.S. Nice WWE poster in the background. Maybe John Cena can dropkick your eyes straight for you.

-Nokes Out!