So I Googled Myself...

... and this picture of an 89 year old pimp/recent college graduate came up. What in the hell is this about? First of all, I clearly told Google that I didn't want to see any other Nokes but me when I use their search engine. I was hoping that this was just Dotson at his part time gig but it turns out that this old fart's name is John Nokes. Nokes! Judging from the pin stripe suit he fancies himself a pimp and a member of the mafia. I've sent Lil Kim and ironically, 36 Mafia, to teach this Nokes wannabe a lesson. You will rue the day that you skinned a lanky fox and attached it to a red bed sheet. Remember John, news is my hooker and truth is her pimp!

-Nokes Out

More Kick Off Thoughts

Nokes here. Let's talk values. The Nokes is not good with words. In fact, The Nokes is the BEST with words. For this reason, we had to dumb-down some of the T-Mobile values so everyone would be able to understand them and not get offended. So while I acted like I was listening to some Sales Manager nobodies I put together a list of some values along with their original intent. It's my simple way of boosting morale since all T-Mobile employees would give their kidney for a glimpse into the mind of The Nokes:

- Trust in the positive intentions of others = DO NOT QUESTION ANYTHING I DO!

- I am T-Mobile. Count on me = DO NOT FUCK UP OR YOU WILL LOSE YOUR JOB!

- Practice Team-Together, Team Apart = I AM WATCHING EVERYTHING YOU DO EVEN WHEN YOU'RE NOT AT WORK SO BE VERY CAREFUL!

- Leaders coach and develop leaders = THE LESS YOU KNOW ABOUT YOUR JOB, THE BETTER. FIGURE IT OUT WITH YOUR IDIOTIC CO-WORKERS.

- Think Big, Act Small = DO NOT CROSS ME OR I WILL EAT YOU! YOUR IDEAS ARE STUPID AND NOT WELCOME!

Thank Nokes this Kick Off is almost over! Whoever decided on Denver for this event will be fired. Next year it's going to be on my moon base and T-Mobile won't be paying for the travel or hotel accommodations.

- Nokes Out!

(Note: all employees must give me a kidney by the end of Q1)

2008 Kick Off Update #9

Today's the closing day of the 2008 kick off and I have to admit, The Nokes is ready to head back for a little R&R. After a stressful week of bathing everyone in my wisdom it's time for The Nokes to relax. I'll be taking my Gold Concord Jet home to my moonbase in the early afternoon. Once home I'll relax by putting on some of my favorite crying babies tracks on my ipod. A child's crying has always been very soothing to me. From there, I'll throw in a few of my favorite movies. I'll probably go with The Shining, The Passion Of The Christ, Titanic, Glory, and My Girl. You know, just some comedies to help The Nokes relax. I like to watch them all at once for maximum laughter. It's also the first of the month so that means I'll begin my monthly skin shedding tonight as well. Then maybe tomorrow some hoops with my good friend Charles Barkley. Also, I hear there's something big happening this Sunday. I'm assuming it's some kind of parade being thrown in my honor.

-Nokes Out

2008 Kick Off Update #8

The Nokes has just about had it with this hotel. First of all, I had requested for all of the beds from my wing to be removed. I don't sleep after all so what's the point in having them here. guess what I found on the 30th room of my wing... a bed! Nokes Almighty! I also made it clear that I needed to have a closet to store my Oompa Loompas so that they could carry me everywhere I went. I guess they weren't given a room last night and now they're loose in Denver, attacking children everywhere. Yes, I realize that the attacking of children by Oompa Loompas is hilarious but now I have to moonwalk everywhere. What's worse is that the Fantasia kid phone has been activated. It was hard to understand the kid while he was talking but it seems like Fantasia got a hold of a Sidekick again. Maybe she had something to do with the theft of those phones. After all, she is one of those people... an American Idol contestant. Alright, The Nokes is heading back to The Kick Off. If anyone so much as attempts to breath any air that I've exhaled you will be docked 30% of your pay.

-Nokes Out!

2008 Kick Off Update #7

Nokes here. I know most of you are going through Fake Sue blog withdrawal today. I meant to post a little earlier but I've spent the majority of the day trying to find a computer capable of holding my final presentation of the week. Every time I have it copied to a new computer it melts within minutes. There may not be a computer powerful enough to hold it. But that's not what this update is about. 

Rumor has it that there's been a lot of discussion at the kick off about my orientation. At first I thought it was in reference to the orientation of my axis but then C3PO clarified that the questions were in regards to my sexual orientation. That C3PO really has a radar for nailing those kind of subjects down. Well let me put the rumors and questions to rest. The Nokes isn't gay... or straight. The Nokes is beyond those simple terms. The scientific community has deemed my sexual orientation to be "Nokes." Coincidentally, they've also labeled my gender as "Nokes." Confused? Of course you are. You're probably straight or gay. 

Another thing C3PO told me is that people are saying that I have a God complex. That I act so arrogantly that I might as well believe that I am God. I actually already knew people were saying this about me since I am after all omniscient. But don't worry about being punished for your heresy. The Nokes is in a particularly good mood today so I'm going to let it slide like a funnel cake down Dotson's throat. I forgive you, for you know not what you say.

-Nokes Out! 

2008 Kick Off Update #6

Someone stopped me in THE HALLWAY of our hotel this afternoon to ask me where Dotson's at? I keep writing about him but they haven't seen him. First, you may have noticed that I capitalized THE HALLWAY. That's because I'm referring to the hallway that I purchased to house my outfits and jewelry for this week's kick off. I explained that Robert was having his stomach pumped due to a skiing "accident." Well, this nimrod looked confused so I elaborated.

El Dotson went out to the bunny slopes today. After his blood pressure scare today he decided he would try to go the whole day without eating any sweets. Unfortunately, he became delusional and thought that the snow was twinkie cream filling or something. Next thing you know he starts eating all of the snow on the ground. I mean just gorging himself. I swear with Nokes as my witness I heard a tree whisper "gluttony." A child tried to hang himself at the site of this travesty. It was pretty horrific. The bunny slopes have been closed for the rest of the week since there isn't enough snow on them now. Dotson was rushed to the hospital where snow was pumped out.

After I explained what happened to Dotson I asked this employee for their health insurance card. I immediately ripped it up and told them that due to entering THE HALLWAY they no longer had health insurance for the rest of the year. Oh, don't forget team, we're going to be jogging in the rain tomorrow.

-Nokes Out! 

2008 Kick Off Update #5

El Dotson really, really, really, wants to do a presentation today. I of course want him to go back to Seattle faster than Hilary Clinton can conjure up a fake tear. I told him that he was welcome to talk to the masses today as long as his blood pressure was under control. Well we just finish measuring his blood pressure and the result was, I shit you not, "frosting over saturated fat." Now, The Nokes is no doctor but I'm pretty sure that's unhealthy. The machine doesn't know if it was checking a man's blood pressure or a pastry. So needless to say Dotson will not be speaking to the Nokesheads today. You're welcome.


-Nokes Out!

2008 Kick Off Update #4

Morning Nokes-A-Holics. MY good friend Charles Barkley is pushing me to make an appearance at the 2008 Kick Off today. He wants to talk about faxing documents and how a misshaped head can help you succeed. However, I'll probably delay his appearance for until tomorrow. Today we're going to discuss the importance of properly blinging out your outfit as well as the importance of dressing for success. I'll also introduce the latest prototype for our new retail sales uniforms. Here's a preview. Be sure to let The Nokes know what you think. not that it matters:

-Nokes Out!

2008 Kick Off Update #3 (Random Thoughts From My Head)

Some random thoughts beamed directly from The Nokes' brain to the blog:

"Who is this guy on stage? Why isn't he talking about The Nokes. He'd better hit the minimum two Nokes references quota in his presentation."

"Must... not... clench... fist"

"Remember to smile."

"I smell grease. Is that ho Oprah here?"

"What? Oh, Dotson's plane touched down. That explains the grease and increased humidity"

"Note to self, prepare the hot coals for Barry Glassman"

"Next year, no other presenters but The Nokes."

2008 Kick Off Update #2

Here's a quick synopsis of my approach to the stage. I arrived to the center of the stage wearing a black velvet cape trimmed with diamonds. The cape is 40 feet long but never touches the ground do to the fear instilled into it by my glare. C3PO picked out a smashing business suit that was custom made out of actual chain-mail used during the Spanish Inquisition and rubies. It has a sort of metallic magenta look to it. I began by talking about some of our accomplishments from 2007 and some of our failures. I made sure to stare at the 4 ugliest people in the room whenever I discussed T-Mobile's failures. Hopefully that will make them even more insecure than they already must be and they'll just resign by the end of the day. We have to keep T-Mobile hot and sexy people. I then asked a few nonsensical questions to get the crowd ready to accept that I'm the smartest one in the room. Questions like, "If the Earth was flat, how thick would it be?" I then let our first speaker take the floor but not before I reminded everyone in the room that I, Sue Nokes, am the only person in the world who is half-woman, half-amazing.

-Nokes Out!

2008 Kick Off Update #1

Morning Nokes-A-Holics. Already I've got three managers at the Kick Off that are on the "Walking Over Hot Coals" list. The first item on the morning's itinerary was "Do Not Make Eye Contact With The Nokes" followed by "Breakfast." Well, I waited outside the hotel rooms of 3 manager and intently stared at their door until they opened it. Wouldn't you know it, each one made eye contact. Not good people. I'll be taking to the stage shortly to pass on the wisdom that is Nokes. I hope everyone brought their laptop and insurance card with them like I asked.

-Nokes Out!