The Reason For All The Changes...

Nokes here. Ready to impart knowledge, wisdom, and perspicuity (look it up). Some of you have been lamenting over changes in commission structure, budget cuts, and restructuring of retail. I fact, some of you have even done so on here. The audacity! I allowed it to go on because I knew that once I showed what that money was being used for you would be so happy and excited for The Nokes that you would feel as if though you had betrayed your own mother... and maybe in a way you have. Now, before you collectively take a dive onto your Samurai swords take a moment to check out Mama Nokes' new rims!

Doesn't knowing that The Nokes will be rolling on these 22 inch Dubs and 110,000 carets make those sacrifices more than worth it? It's more like I did you a favor. Well, I won't be actually driving these anywhere since I only travel by Gold Concord Jet, an intricate system of worldwide tubes, floating, or the occasional moonwalk. But they' do look bling-tastic on my fleet of cars I never drive. Happy New Year!

-Nokes Out

P.S. We may put one of these on the Do More Get More catalog. Just 2.5 million points to get one. One.

It's About Time... Literally

Father Time finally came to his senses. He’s agreed with some coaxing, or should I say Nokesing, to get rid of those ridiculous b.c. and a.d. initials after years in history. Who really even knows what they mean?? Come on, b.c.?? Supposedly the “b” stands for “before” and the “c” is some nobody. From now on there will be b.n. and a.n. Simply put, all history books will be rewritten so everyone will know if it was Before Nokes or After Nokes. The year to differentiate the two is still being worked out since no one quite knows when I came into existence. I guess historians and archaeologists are all pissed off at me now, but I don’t really care. What I am doing is helping the rest of humanity gain more clarity in their lives. Too bad loads of documents will have to be rewritten but, hey, job security right?

On a different note you may have noticed that my MySpace account is no longer in existence. Well, it got canceled by some idiot who obviously doesn’t know the power of The Nokes. Supposedly there is a similar site out there called Facebook. I like the sound of it better because it reminds me of my taxidermy book of faces. Mostly they are faces of enemies. I had it bound and wrapped in Mother Teresa’s sari.

- Nokes Out!

Dotson's Myfaves

I finally accomplished my final goal for 2007: Robert Dotson's Myfaves! My sources in engineering assure me that this screenshot is 100% accurate. Free fake bag of diamonds is on it's way to you gentlemen. So let's begin, clockwise:

1 - Cookie Monster: No surprise here. Robbie and Cookie Monster go way back. Not only do they follow almost the exact same diet, they also both have big furry hands.

2 - 911: At first The Nokes thought that this was odd. But C3PO made a really good point: going on 30 day cookie eating binges with Cookie Monster probably isn't very good for your heart. I said it before, Rob's a smart guy. Always prepared.

3 - Stay Puft Marshmallow Man: You might remember him from the Ghostbusters Movies as the 112 ft living, giant... marshmallow. It's a good thing when someone's hero becomes their friend.

4 - Paris Hilton: The Nokes doesn't even want to know what she's doing here. I'm going to tell myself that they just get together on Saturdays to bejewel their Sidekicks. Yes, that's it.

5 - Sue Nokes: Wait, The Nokes is last? Last!? This is not going to work for The Nokes at all. Expect a call Dotson. An unpleasant one.

Thanks For The Baby Teeth, Your Statehood Is Safe Kansas

Kansas, Kansas, Kansas. I was only kidding about sending me baby teeth as penance. What exactly am I to do with this 64oz. bag of baby teeth that was delivered to me today? Don't get me wrong, The Nokes appreciates your devotion but please think things through first. It is Kansas so I suppose these would have fallen out sooner or later.

My good friend Charles Barkley and I did find a use for some of the teeth. First, I called a big meeting today so that my Devotees (new title for all of my direct reports) could give The Nokes a progress report on "T-Reality." I had the usual engraved granite invitations I use for all of my meetings sent out this afternoon. I bet they were sweating up a storm when they saw them. See, the catch is that there's no such thing as "T-Reality." It's just a little something The Nokes made up to keep the team on their toes. It's just like the time I based their bonuses on staring contests with me. Little did they know that I don't just not sleep, I also don't blink. Ever. 

Barkley's head almost exploded from trying to contain his laughter during the meeting. For Nokessake, someone actually made a Powerpoint about T-Reality and another Devotee brought in that immoral girl from The Real World Vegas, Trishelle. This was all fine and good but the whole point of the meeting was to offer El Dotson a box of Chicklets Gum. Only that I had the Chicklets replaced with pure Kansas Baby Teeth.  The "boss" spent the entire day chewing teeth and holding his jaw. To add insult to injury Lil Kim was staring at Dotson while  popping bubbles with real Chicklets gum the entire 4 hour meeting. Priceless. 

-Nokes Out!

The Kansas Trip Is Off

I had quite the tour planned for Kansas. I was going to hit all of our call centers there as well as all direct and indirect dealers. The trip was going to be capped off with the donation of a pair of one of my signature glasses to a museum of art and a lock of my hair to be put on display at our Wichita center. The Nokes was just about to touch down in Wichita, KS but I noticed something that demanded the plane be turned around: cows.

I don't personally have a problem with cows. The issue at hand is that I made it clear to the state of Kansas that all cows were to be removed from the stat 5 days prior to my arrival. Why isn't important, only that it wasn't done. The pilot started blabbing about the FAA and that we need to register a flightplan with them. Blah, blah, blah. I knocked him out with some ether and flew the plane back to the Nokescave myself. What an unprofessional. Oh, and Kansas, if you ever try to pull a stunt like this again I will have your statehood revoked and have you replaced with Puerto Rico. But for now all I'l demand as penance is a tooth from every child born there this year.

-Nokes Out!

Dom Vito's Daughter Responds To Idiot Below

Sigh. Look at this. I know it's hard but that's a direct order. Dom Vito's long-lost daughter responded to the idiot that originally complained about not getting his Sidekick on the release date. First thing The Nokes noticed is that she really needs two cameras to properly shoot this. Why? Because she is directly facing the camera but only one eye is looking at me. Frankly, even that is one eye too many. First she starts off by gushing about how much she wants a Sidekick but then starts bitching about T-Mobile. Those opinions are as far apart from each other as her eyes. Have a bucket ready as she wraps up her nonsensical rant with, "Ugh, I think I'm going to need a bubblebath." Yes, please take one: in acid.

I'm off to visit Marketing. We need to get a special section added in the next Splash Magazine listing people who are not allowed to apply for service. Two guesses who's taking spot one and dos.

P.S. Nice WWE poster in the background. Maybe John Cena can dropkick your eyes straight for you.

-Nokes Out!

Idiot Complains About T-Mobile On Youtube

Much love to the blog reader that sent over this vid. Free bag of Fake Sue Diamonds is on it's way to you. Not only did this sap make a video complaining about not being able to get a Sidekick LX, he also went all artsy complete with crappy Windows Movie Maker "special" effects and some cheesy piano music from his personal Celine Dion instrumentals collection. If that wasn't bad enough, this half-man half-cholesterol atrocity had the audacity to film himself in his bathtub. The Nokes almost threw up her Giraffe veal dinner. This meatbag was upset because he couldn't get his precious Sidekick LX on the release date even though the 

store had it in stock. 

Money quote: "The Sidekick LX is the latest Sidekick to join the line of Sidekicks, which started with the original"

Yes, funny how most things start with the original.

Let The Nokes break it down for you. The store rep denied you a Sidekick because we don't want you to have one. The Sidekick LX (much like The Nokes) is for the cool and hip. Maybe you were confused and thought it was for fools with big hips. If you're not convinced he doesn't deserve a Sidekick LX feel free to fast forward the video to the 4:23 mark. Just watch Doughboy's face light up as he starts talking about the new World Of Warcraft character he created. The character's name is VonSexi. Unbelievable. 

Listen here nerd, not only will you never ever be allowed to purchase a Sidekick but I'm having your T-Mobile account terminated immediately. Don't pay the bill. The Nokes doesn't even want to be associated with your money. Oh, and should you even try to borrow a friend's Sidekick, I swear with God as my witness, The Nokes will have you skinned and wear you as a coat. 

-Nokes Out

Bennigans & The Spears Family

While visiting a call center today I offered to take the management team there to out to lunch. Their choice of restaurant. Now I didn't actually want to sit down to eat with these people (I usually just eat one large meal a month) but there's no better way to make a group of managers uncomfortable than by confronting them at a sit down restaurant. Try it out sometime. The problem is that they chose some place called Bennigan's.

The first thing I noticed is that the customary rose petals that other centers throw anywhere I step were nowhere to be found. Bad move Kansas. Then I noticed that there is crap all over the walls. A sleigh, a bucket, a marionette? Who the hell decorated this place? Robert Dotson. The Nokes is kiddding, but seriously, did he? I soon realized that this "establishment" is Irish. I assumed that meant we'd all have to eat a bowl of raw potatoes. Instead I ended up with something called a Monte Cristo. It tasted like a bland potato. Actually, I've never had a potato but I'm sure they taste like Monte Cristos. Thankfully I brought my crushed diamond seasoning and platinum utensils.

Eventually I had Kim Kardashian pick me up in the Sue Copter. I'm off to go talk to Britney Spears' little sister . Oh, you didn't hear? She's 16 and pregnant. I'm going to go slap the white trash right out of that family.

-Nokes Out!

C3PO Tries To Make Amends

C3PO got me a little present today. It looks like he's trying to make up for that one hour of my memory that's missing. The Nokes is still not happy about the missing time but this is a start. C3PO got me a pair of gorilla skin mittens. At first I didn't see what was so special about them until C3PO explained that these were made from Koko, the gorilla that uses sign language. Very rare. Only the best for The Nokes. I don't know how he got these but they're fantastic. They're still warm and moist. A matching Koko gorilla skin business suit would've been the icing on the cake. Maybe I'll have something put together for my moonbase. It'll be my Suebaca suit.

Alltel's "Incentive Plan"

I was just finishing up my monthly skin-shedding when I received this video of Alltel's incentive plan for 2007. An Alltel store (or screwshacks as Lil Kim calls them) hit some kind of one day sales record, which for them, probably means they activated a family account with 3 lines on it. So what does Alltel do to reward their employees' hard work? A bonus? Gift cards? Catered lunch? A trip? None of the above. Instead they got to see their loser manager ride his daughter's pink pony stick a block and back.  Way to motivate your employees. I'm sure that news of the manager that rode a pink stick to climax will spread like wildfire throughout Alltel, inspiring productivity to levels previously only seen at the DMV. Just look at this pervert's face. He loves riding this stick. Oh yes Alltel, you're coming for our spot. We're really scared. The Nokes is shaking in her $58,000 house slippers. Even Dotson is sweating over here. There is just gravy everywhere. The Nokes will destroy you fools... destroy you.

PS - Who is still giving their children pony sticks? A Kendo stick, that The Nokes can understand. But a pony stick?

-Nokes Out!

Lost Time

I had to punish C3P0 today. The Nokes is a busy person and, because of this, I don’t have time to remember all things in my life. Instead, I have all my memories stored for later review. I normally only review them to catch mistakes. Of course, only the mistakes made by other people so I can be sure to get with C3PO and schedule a revenge session. Unfortunately I can’t go into how my memories are stored since it would void the contract I made with a certain someone and I’d like to keep all three of my souls until a really good deal comes along (immortality will cost at least two of them I’m thinking).

I digress. Upon reviewing my memories from last week’s flood fiasco I discovered a lapse. It boils down to one hour of lost time. Since I’m always awake, it’s hard for me to believe this has happened.

Well, C3P0’s punishment will consist of keeping him from his weekly oil and lube by Dotson. The problem is, Dotson’s going to be pretty disappointed.

- Nokes Out

This Guy Thinks T-Mobile Eats Babies

Do you know Adam from Clemson, South Carolina? Me either. This nobody wrote a blog titled, "T-Mobile Eats Babies." This sub-normal's blog can be found here. Apparently comes up with eye-catching titles almost as quickly as he disappoints you. First sentence of this blog:

"Not really, but they have succeeded in making my trip to Albuquerque a real pain."

Way to turn away the "baby eating article enthusiasts." Unless I'm interested in your trip to Albuquerque (and no one is) the only other reason to read this article is to see just how a corporate entity eats babies. Adam. Sigh. Adam. Sigh. Everytime I hear that name now The Nokes just wants to sigh. Adam's complaint is that there weren't enough Hotspots for him in Albuquerque. He claims that there were only two. His profile says that he works at a brewery, so to be fair, there's a good chance he was drunk in his basement and imagines this whole trip. I quote:

"They only "provided" internet at two places I visited, but spent a substantial amount of time at."

Hey Adam, next time send us your itinerary and we'll build you a Hotspot every ten steps you take. Or better yet, why don't you try one of the other 30 locations The Nokes picked for Hotspots. Here are some maps to help. The red circles are the Hotspots, hotshot. I've already sent my good friend Charles Barkley to throw a basketball at his face.

Charles Barkley Called...

My good friend Charles Barkley called. He interrupted my nightly crushed diamond smoothie! I think he may have been drunk. Actually, I hope he was. The Nokes couldn't understand a word he was saying and I'm fluent in 82 languages including Kilngon and Binary. I finally told him to just send me an e-mail. Here's what it said:

"Sooo, I enjoy slam dunkin and receiving impotint bucket dickumints. Where Charlie Bucketfax, and his brother Julius? I shed world vision on bucket faxers."

Turns out Barkley was eating some brownies with Dave Grohl while reminiscing about old times. He even sent me this video:

Location, location, location

Now, the world knows that The Nokes is not one that follows trends. That’s right. She creates them. But I must admit there is one trend out there that The Nokes doesn’t mind following.

Outsourcing.

I’ve made some resolutions for the new year and one of them is to open T-Mobile customer service centers in some exotic locations. So far I’ve come across one country that fits all of my requirements.

Cuba.

Recently, Fidel Castro and I finally made up after years of not speaking. When I told him it was over between us back in ’62 he threatened to destroy his plans to build me a shrine made out of nuclear missiles. He stupidly left the missiles out in the open and when the United States got pictures of them from planes flying overhead they flipped out! It became known as The Cuban Missile Crisis but the only crisis I know of was Fidel sleeping alone.

Well, after years of hatred toward America, because of our capitalist ideals, Fidel is considering going the call center route. Of course, I have to deal with all the red tape between the two countries. Details, details. I’ll keep you updated on other prospective countries as I travel the globe and space.

P.S. I smoke a mean Cuban cigar. Just ask Fidel.

- The Nokes

My Dinosaur Bone Stairs

I am not a happy Nokes right now. The stairs that lead down to my subterranean cave/office underneath T-Mobile headquarters did not receive their daily maintenence. The steps are made out of 100% dinosaur bone and are replaced with brand new, freshly-sanded bones everyday day. I mean everyday. Even when I'm out of town or checking up on my moonbase construction progress. New dinosaur bones for my steps. It's in my contract for Nokessake! Well, I came in today and could obviously tell that these were the same tricerotops bones-filled steps from yesterday. The audacity. It's T-Rex Tuesday. I called my good friend Charles Barkley. He suspects that Dotson's been reading the blog and found out about us toilet papering his house so he kept my steps from being re-boned today as a way to get back at The Nokes.

I think he's right. The Nokes is taking the rest of the day off and going shopping with C3PO. Good luck running the company El Dotso! Hopefully he won't try to sell us to Primeco while I'm gone. He knows that they're out of business but he loves that little pink alien they had for a mascot they had.


-Nokes Out!

My Moonbase

As you may have read here, one of the items on my X-Mas list is 10% less air in the atmosphere. The Nokes figured that I probably wouldn't get that this year but as always, I planned ahead. For the past few months I've had a team from engineering working on building a moonbase for me. It's going to be my post-Hawaii vacation spot. A place where The Nokes and The Nokes' thoughts can become as Nokes as Nokes thoughts should be for The Nokes. Well, I had recently hired Richard Branson (you know, the eccentric British billionaire. Pictured left) to keep an eye on the Fake Sue thread at the Howard Forums message board. At first he was wondering why he should do it but then I explained to him that it would be really eccentric for a billionaire to take a job that he clearly didn't need. Richard and his giant teeth of course bit the bait. The real purpose though was to keep him occupied so that he wouldn't try to build a base on the moon too. The Nokes made some passing mention of it and now I hear that he's looking into putting up his own base up there complete with a giant Virgin Records store and 10 foot toothbrush.

I have Lil Kim scoping his house(s) as we speak.


-Nokes Out!

Jesus & The Nokes Now BFFs

Ok, so we're not exactly best friends but Jesus and The Nokes did patch things up at my Gala. As you know, I've been eyeing Jesus' crown of thorns for some time. I invited Jesus to my party in hopes of relieving him of the crown. I figured it would make a great summer hat. Well, it turns out that the crown of thorns isn't all that impressive. A crown without a single jewel, diamond, or even gold on it?! It really just looks like an old crappy wreath. Oh, and don't get The Nokes started on the smell. Plus there was dried blood all over it. You'd think after 2000 years Jesus would have had one of his angels clean it or something. Apparently he thinks the blood is "cool." Whatever. Point is Jesus and I got to talking. Turns out he totally has a Nokes complex. I can appreciate that.

Barkley and I are off for our weekly toilet papering of Dotson's house. We used to light a bag of crap on his front door but he'd just come out and smell it. One time he even came out and ate a whole can of frosting until the bag died out. Very strange.

Training Video From Alltel

Dotson just sent me this gem on the interweb. This video shows an Alltel employee on break in front of a drab looking Alltel building. Word on the street is that he was re-enacting his hiring exam.

This Is What Happens After I Leave A Center

Nokes here. I'll be blogging from my private Concord Jet today. Not sure where I'm going yet but I needed to create some space between myself and all of the crying. Let me explain. I just left from a visit to one of our amazing call centers. As usual, a fantastic group of people work there. Not that I'm surprised since Nokes doesn't hire trash. FYI, The Nokes reviews each application for every position at T-Mobile. The problem is that as soon as I said that it was time to go the waterworks turned on. The Beatles would have killed for these kind of tears. Who would they have killed? I don't know, maybe Kennedy. Just thinking out loud here. Barkley snapped this picture of a particularly sad group. Nokes was really torn up about the situation. The only tears I want to see need to be chilled, in a louis vuitton glass, and in my hand. I had Carmela, the woman I hired to hug and shake hands with people for me, console them but it was of no use. I think it had something to do with the outfit C3PO picked out for her. To the right is picture of her getting ready to put her arms around the employees. What do you think? I almost fired her but then I remembered that I have a meeting tomorrow and will need a hand-shaker.

To those employees at the center: Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Don't worry, there's nothing to fear. Momma Nokes will be back with a new outfit, matching glasses, and more bling than you've ever seen before you know it.

Thankfully, C3PO packed my most relaxing DVD, "When Animals Attack." Nothing like a few tiger maulings to put The Nokes at ease.

-Nokes out!

Dotson & Barkley At The Party

More Gala items. Dotson showed up a little late. We left a trail of maple syrup for him to follow so that he could find the entrance (the place is in the middle of nowhere) but we didn't count on him having a bag of pancakes with him. I mean what are the chances? But see, that's the beauty of Dotson: he's always prepared. He's mostly prepared to agree with all of my brilliant ideas but this proves that he's far more proactive than people give him credit for. Problem is that by the time he got to the door he had a full on sugar rush. He must've talked to Kim Kardashian about Halo 3 for an hour before he started climbing the Forbidden Fruit Tree. Thankfully Jesus hadn't shown up yet.

My good friend Charles Barkley had a great time too. He gave 10 different speeches on what it takes to be a champion. Kanye West was like "Yo Sue, It's kind of ironic since he never won a championship while in the NBA. " I told him that The Nokes didn't appreciate that. I had him put on my private Concord Jet and sent him straight to Chad from Alltel's house. Those two deserve each other. More on the Gala later. I need to go make sure the Earth is still rotating on it's axis.

-Nokes Out!

Another Party Update

Yesterday's Gala was, like everything I do, a complete success. If someone could bottle me up and sell it they would be very poor because The Nokes is priceless. The Garden Of Eden is a pretty decent place. It's almost as nice as my subterranean chamber deep beneath T-Mobile headquarters. They don't take money for payment but a one night rental will cost you about two souls. Thankfully all Senior Managers and above are required to turn their soul over to me as soon as they accept the position. Nothing shady. It's right there in the letter they sign but most people usually skip that part and go straight to the salary section. Once they sign I become the manager of their soul. It's more of a hobby of mine but it really paid off big time last night. I know what you're thinking. Sue, how are you going to compensate those two employees for their souls? Let's just say there are two people who are about to receive a brand new Nokia 3390.

25th Year Anniversary Party Update

Greetings! C3PO here. Master Nokes asked me to provide a quick update on her "25th Anniversary Of Being Awake Gala" for you, her fans. Or employees. One in the same really. Master Nokes has been having a most wonderful time. She even managed to fix the server issues in Washington on a bathroom break. Quite impressive. The party will be going strong until Friday Morning. Here's a picture of Master Nokes opening the party. Of course, that Kanye West tried to hog spotlight. What a dastardly fellow.

Unfortunately, some guests have gotten completely out of hand. Here's me preparing to escort an overly intoxicated racist from the party. The audacity to insult Master Nokes at her Gala. More updates to come.

Why T-Mobile Employees Love Me

Sue here, blogging from my German T-Mobile iPhone. I'll have a full update on today's gala a little later today including pictures. I just had to take a quick break from having brandy with Ghandi to get something off my chest:

What is wrong with the idiots at AT&T wireless?! First they change their name to Cingular and put on a multimillion dollar ad campaign about how they're the biggest wireless company in the world and to come check out their Nickelodeon orange stores. Then a few months later all I see on my tv is "Cingular is now AT&T Wireless." What? Why? This kind of schizophrenic behavior is really puzzling. The Nokes would have taken that money and put into reward and recognition, incentives for frontline employees, a new company color... you know, something useful. Instead these wireless wanabees are so far behind us in customer satisfaction that if T-Mobile let out a fart the smell would be gone by the time it got to them.

Now I hear their CEO is pushing to change their name again. More bars in more places huh? How about you take a couple of bars of xanax? Then maybe you'll be able to calm down and stop this erratic behavior. Give back to your employees. That's the Nokes way. Uh oh. Looks like some losers from Amped Mobile are trying to crash my Gala. I gotta go grab Lil Kim and regulate on these fools.

-Nokes out!

Nice try Jesus, Tomorrow's Party Is Still On

As many of you know, one of T-Mobile's major data centers in Bothell was the victim of mysterious flooding. If you want more specifics on the flooding just Google T-Mobile. It's all over the internet. Anyway, just because T-Mobile websites and other major systems are down that doesn't mean that tomorrow's "25th Anniversary Of Me Being Awake Gala" is being canceled. Oh no. It is still on.

Now, the timing of this flood seems a little strange to me. Hmm... just days before my major Gala steals the spotlight away from Jesus and his Christmas, what happens? T-Mobile is flooded. I don't know if any of you've read The Bible (Nokes hasn't; not into science fiction) but Lil Kim told me that Jesus/God has done this before. Apparently, one time he got so pissed off about something that he flooded the entire Earth. Then he forced some drunk senior citizen to build an arc and round up some lions or something. The balls! The Nokes would never abuse her power like that. Never. Let's look at the facts shall we:

1. I put together a Gala that is sure to steal Jesus' thunder this Christmas season

2. I snub Jesus by not inviting him

3. To add insult to injury I booked the freaking Garden Of Eden for the event! Even he hasn't been there in years. Doesn't like the vibe I guess.

Sounds like three things that are sure to piss Him off, right Nokesters? Fast forward to today and the building where we house the servers for all of our major systems is flooded. FLOODED. Sound familiar to anyone? Now everything is down... everything except The Nokes.

I guess he expected me to personally stay and rebuild all of the servers and recover data all day tomorrow. (all of which I of course, am capable of doing) Not happening. Before "The Second Great Flood" happened, I had actually told Lil Kim that I was going to invite Jesus after all. At first she was happy to hear that but then I told her that it was to get his crown of thorns, aka item #5 on my Christmas list of demands. Turns out Lil Kim is a devout Christian and didn't think that was right. Who knew? After she cleared up what "right and wrong" mean I decided that because Lil Kim is my homie, I would not try to steal the crown of thorns.

Well the gloves are off now! To hell with you Jesus. I just e-mailed Big Juicy J his invitation and wrote that the party has a hat theme. Gee, I wonder what he'll wear?

-Nokes Out!

This is how I roll...

Here's a taste of the type of throw down you can expect from my party on Dec. 5th.



I really like my idea of having it in the middle of nowhere. I took the extra money saved, cashed it all in as $100 bills, and had C3P0 wipe my ass with them after he administered my daily colonic. You'll hear "twinkle toes" in the video talk about crack being back. Well, it is. I brought it back when I last met with my favorite drug lord in China. I plan on also bringing back the bubonic plague too but that will be a surprise.

My Fave 5

People are always asking me who's in My Fave 5. This was a top question in our Employee Satisfaction Survey. We all know that I want to keep our employee base happy so here we go, clockwise:

1. The Nokes (w/o glasses) - Sometimes I like to touch base with myself for even more brilliant ideas or to decide which award winning outfit I'll be wearing.

2 Lil' Kim - Original member of my posse. As many of you know she takes care of my dirty work. In return, I ghost write most of her rhymes for her.

3. Charles Barkley - Now, Charles hates that I use his mugshot for his My Faves picture but I happen to think it's an excellent picture. I told him I would change it as soon as he wins an NBA Championship. Ha ha ha!

4. C3PO - My Personal Shopper. You never know when I'll need a new diamond ring, glasses, outfit, or warp core. Whatever strikes my mood.

5. The Nokes (with glasses)- I actually used to take up all 5 spaces in My 5. Each picture was shot from a different angle and a different jewelry set. I call this one whenever I need to create a fantastic new idea. Hotspot @ home began here people.


-Nokes Out

Alltel Visits T-Mobile

Check out the video above. The nerve of this guy. Chad, the jerk from those Alltel commercials thought that it'd be cute to come visit T-Mobile and brag about My Circle. Hey clown, I liked it better when I invented it and called it My Faves. Truth is that Chad is just mad that we wouldn't hire him at T-Mobile. He applied to be a Customer Service Rep but he failed the typing, reading, math, and level-of-obnoxious tests. You should have read this guy's application. Under desired wage he scribbled, "a Case of LA Looks Hair Gel per week." Worst of all, it was written in eyeliner. Oh, and yes... I'm the one that turned on the sprinklers at the end.

-Nokes Out

All I Demand for X-Mas

So here it is again.

My X-mas list -- Remember to keep the Christ out of X-Mas as to not spoil my party which is only a few days away!

Yes, it’s the same one that I’ve had for quite some time now in no particular order:

1. A pet chupacabra
2. The 8th Harry Potter book (the one where he actually dies a horrible death)
3. 10% less air in the atmosphere
4. Schindler’s List (not the DVD, the list)
5. Jesus’ Crown of Thorns (only because I doubt it hurt that bad)
6. A bottle of Julia Roberts smiles
7. Princess Di’s soul
8. A box of Care Bear hearts

I’m only down to 8 items. I was shocked to get a holodeck last year so I wonder what Santa will bring me for 2008! (I secretly have my fingers crossed for Schindler’s List since it will complete my Nazi paraphernalia collection!)

Nokes out!

How I Came Up With Myfaves

Sorry I didn't post yesterday. I had a pretty packed day which is saying a lot when you consider that I'm not only the COO of t-mobile but I also have to balance my daily diamond shopping, hanging out with charles barkley, and putting together my smashing outfits. However, yesterday was packed with relaxation. I spent most of the day in my holodeck (yes, I own a holodeck like the ones in star trek) re-living the day I created Myfaves.

Basically there were several people that I didn't want to ever call me. It's not even that I don't like talking to them. I just find their phone voices irritating. Nokes doesn't do irritation. Period. So Myfaves actually began as a way for me to set my phone to block phone calls from my five favorite people not to talk to. As with just about everything t-mobile users enjoy I wrote the preliminary code and took it to the engineers to finish up. Hey, gotta make them feel like they're part of the team or something. Well, some jezebel in marketing thought that Myfaves meant my five favorite people to talk to. Unbelievable! How dare she even think to interpret what I meant simply because I refused to leave any instructions. I looked into having her phone cloned so that we could bill her double but Barkley started blabbing about FCC rules against that kind of thing. Whatever. I finally realized that I had actually invented a great new feature for our customers and promptly gave myself a raise and doubled my stock options. Dotson, as usual agreed. He wanted to go to some crappy restaurant called lil john's and shoot a video to introduce this and "stick together" to all of our emploees. Typical. Food always has to be involved. I let him have this one though.

So that was my day. 10 hours of playing this over and over in my holodeck while sipping on chilled tears. Fantastic.

So Lil Kim Called...

Long time Nokes entourage member Lil Kim called yesterday. She's concerned that im spending too much time with C3PO and that it might break up our posse. A lot of people don't know this but the 'Queen Bee' is actually very sensitive. Normally I trt to associate myself with the most emotionless of people. So why keep her around? Well, on top of being sensitive she can also be a ruthless gangsta. She takes care of some of the Nokes' dirty work. Remember how Catherine Zeta-Jones suddenly disappeared from our ads and Hollywood as well? Lets just say that perjury wasn't the only thing Lil Kim was doing time for. Fret not, I was able to smooth things over. Here's how the conversation went:

Kim: Wazzup Suzie N.? (That's my rap name kids)

Suzie N.: Chillin, chillin. Holding that drizzle on a pizzle, like a a klondike wit a whistle.

Kim: aight, aight. Hey wazzup with you and that gold dude from Star Wars? I seen ya'll been shoppin al P. Diddy style. That's yo' new crew? You forget bout the old posse?

Suzie N.: Kimmie pleaze. We just be catchin' up on that mad fashion flava Nokes missed when I kicked my old assistant shopper to the cizzurb. Me, you, and the rest of the posse still as tight as kid n' play.

Kim: Oh Suzie, Suzie, can't you see? Sometimes your words just hypnotize me.

Suzie N.: How 'bout you and Kimora Simmons meet me for lizzunch at Jay Z's 40/40 club in NY.

Kim: aight, aight.

Update On My 25th Year Anniversary Of Being Awake Gala

I wanted to give everyone a quick update on my 25th Year Anniversary Of Being Awake gala. Again this is to celebrate 25 years of me not sleeping, something I started on December 5th 1982. Speaking of that date, a lot of people have asked me (despite my company memo not to ask me any questions for the rest of November) if that date has any significance. I strategically chose December for one reason. I was tired of Jesus and his Christmas stealing my limelight every December. I know that he died, resurrected, and all that but I've been awake for 25 years. 25! I didn't see that in any part of The Bible. Although, to be fair, I've never actually seen a Bible. But I digress. Enough about Him. This is about Me. As you know, I'm holding this shindig at the Garden Of Eden. Very exclusive. I hear I'll be the third person to ever hold an event there. Here's the list of A-List invitees so far:

• Jamie Lee Curtis (We did kind of shaft her on the T-Mobile transition)
• Simon Cowell (such a sweetheart)
• Ghandi
• The Dell Guy
• Hillary Clinton (She needs some campaigning tips from The Nokes)
• The guy from Police Academy that does voices (He does a great Robert Dotson crying.)
• Slimer
• 2 Live Crew
• Gizmo
• Vanilla Ice
  
• Kathy Griffin

More updates with the rest of the guest list to come. I have of course banned that gold digger Catherine Zeta-Jones.


-Nokes Out

The Season of Giving

I just love the holiday season! It reminds me of how appreciated and adored I am. For Thanksgiving I enjoy sitting in my subterranean chamber (some have called it my Bat Cave) all day while I allow T-Mobile employees to stop by and thank me for everything I’ve done for them. You might be thinking, “but Sue, don’t you have an open door policy all year round like most companies?” Well of course I do! The very first door of the three to my private chamber is always open as long as you have the password and give a tiny blood sample! But on Thanksgiving I make it easier for everyone by making the password unnecessary!

Christmas is completely different from Thanksgiving but I enjoy it equally. The week prior to the 25th I bypass the Bat Cave entrance and use what I have learned to be called the “main entrance” to my T-Mobile building. I spend my time walking through the mazes of cubicles and test out my smile, which I’ve been working on since I took over…er.. I mean began employment at T-Mobile. Christmas is called “the season of giving” so why waste money on expensive gifts when the only thing my employees truly want is the opportunity to thank me?

I’ll have to tell you about bringing in the new year on a different blog. It’s bling-tastic!

CNN Money Article About Me...

Checkout this CNN Money article about me here. Even those liberal tater tots at CNN know to bow down to the greatness that is Sue Nokes. Personal favorite quote:

"One rep suggests a feature that lets customers turn off incoming text messages so that they don't have to be charged; another, Sergio Juardo, wonders why T-Mobile.com has no web page in Spanish. Nokes listens carefully, seemingly unfazed by the fact that Juardo's cheek is painted with the words I HEART SUE NOKES."

Booya. The only problem I have with the article is that they airbrushed C3PO out of the picture! Unbelievable. I might have to recall Anderson Cooper's invitation for the shindig at the Garden of Eden.

-Nokes Out

C3PO And I Went Shopping

I was finally able to clear out some time for C3PO to do some shopping for me. Now, I normally don't actually go shopping with my personal shoppers. I don't want to risk any commoner germs getting on me. I mean, just imagine if one of you rubbed up against me. It's just not a risk I'm going to take. Once my shopper buys my clothes they are debriefed and the clothes are sterilized three times before I'll even think about trying them on.

Since C3PO and I have been getting along so well I decided to accompany him. We flew out to New York on the Magenta Jet and had 5th avenue closed down for a few hours. Checkout me and C3PO with one of my new outfits. It was his idea to accent it with the leopard spots which also gave me a great idea as t what to do about the food for my 25th year of being awake anniversary. We're going to do a big cat theme. Jaguar roast, Florida Panther crepes, etc. Any big cat on the endagered species list. Only the best and rarest for the Nokes.

-Nokes Out

Celebrating 25 Years Without Sleep

As many of you know, I don't sleep. I've been up since December 5, 1982. That means the 25th year anniversary of me being awake is coming up. I'm throwing the biggest Gala of all time. We're renting out The Garden Of Eden so put on your best set of leaves and leave the sins at home. More on this to come as we get closer to the event...

New personal Shopper

Sorry I haven't blogged in awhile but The Nokes has been very busy. Not having a personal shopper turned out to be more difficult than I thought. Now, let me make one thing clear. It's not that I can't go through my life without a personal shopper. Not only can I handle my own life but I could also take on all of your plebeian tasks and still have time be fitted for a custom leather t-shirt.



So the problem is that after I fired my personal shopper I began wondering about how she was going to pay her bills, take care of her parents, buy food, and most importantly how she'd pay for her T-Mobile cell phone bill. My good friend Charles Barkley tried to tell me that I was feeling something called "guilt." I calmly yelled at him that I only feel one emotion that has been dubbed, "Nokes" and that I obviously couldn't be feeling this guilt thing he was yammering about. My doctor claims that the lack of emotion has to do with sleep deprivation. He's lucky I didn't revoke his license right there. Anywho, if Nokes is one thing Nokes is a problem solver. So I've hired a new personal assistant, C3PO. He cost like 275,000 Imperial Credits but money is no object for the Nokes. My new assistant C3PO will be starting next week after he flies in from Tatooine. I guess he was made in China or something. He's a robot that doesn't need to sleep, eat, or be cared for. I think we're going to get along famously.

The Verizon Voyager

Have you seen this thing? LG basically just went and ripped off the iPhone. Not only did make the outside look like an iPhone but they even setup the menus the same way. Ridiculous. We're not interested in being copycats here at Sue Mobi.. uh, T-Mobile. We innovate, Just take a look at the new T-Mobile Shadow. Yes, it has the same Windows Mobile 6 Operating System that a slew of our other phones have but hey... it's called "The Shadow" and it's sleek and black. That's how you innovate.



Speaking of the iPhone. I picked mine up on my last trip to Germany. This phone is blingtacular. Want to know the real reason why we didn't sign a deal with Apple for the iPhone? Exclusivity. For me. We needed to be sure that I would be the only one with an exclusive legal iPhone on our network. This in turn makes all of our customers have an exclusive. How? Now they're the only ones with a non-at&t cell phone company executive with a legal iPhone running on T-Mobile. You're welcome.

My Personal Shopper

I had to fire my personal shopper today. I want to feel sad about it but unfortunately I only have one emotion which doctors have coined the term “nokes” for to describe it since it’s an emotion I alone seem to have. She is the one responsible for my signature outfits. Who could forget my brown fishing net full body wrap? Or my Versace cat suit? More recently she had teamed up with Elton John’s sunglasses buyer and did some amazing work on getting me the most “bling” frames in an effort to make all the lowly frontline employees drool over my authentic name brand apparel. But as it turns out, my personal shopper (who we’ll just call Disappointment) got knocked up. Yes, I know what you’re thinking “But Sue, new born baby tears is one of your favorite drinks??!!” Well, Disappointment aborted the darn thing! She came to my office in tears going on about something like she thought her job was more important and she just wasn’t ready to be a parent, blah, blah, blah. I fired Disappointment not because she aborted it but rather she didn’t save the aborted fetus! It’s the veal of human beings. Needless to say I had my guards sent in and Disappointment was promptly removed from my presence. I now need to find a new personal shopper. Maybe I’ll find one in Germany…

So Robert Dotson Calls...

So Robert Dotson (T-Mobile's CEO and my boss, on paper anyway) called me this morning to cry about T-Mobile being the new iPhone carrier in Germany. He started ranting and raving about how T-Mobile USA got shafted on the iPhone or something. Honestly, I have a hard time understanding anything anyone that's 5 pounds or more overweight says. It's not personal gluttons... just a sin. Anywho, I finally just cut him off and ask him how the hell he got my number. I mean, come on! The only people that should have my number are Charles Barkley, Sue Nokes, and other A-List celebrities. Doughboy then tried pulling the "technically, I'm your boss" card. I then informed that technically, he's about three seconds away from me jumping over to the Nokes Transporter and beaming over a Fake Sue Bitch Slap. I could feel him sweating with fear. If only I could've had Charles scoop up some of his sweat for me. Fear sweat is a great moisturizer. I told him he needed to do two things:

- Go get a klondike bar or whatever desert he usually has for breakfast and relax.
- Never ever call me again.

I informed Dotson that if Sue Nokes wants to hear his opinion she will give it to him. Now that that's out of the way I can get on with my trip. I'm off to Germany. Gotta go pickup my new iPhone.

-Sue Out!