"Vienna, Austria, 1938. The daughter of a Nazi officer sympathizes with her Jewish friend and is punished for it."
Saturday, January 12, 2008
A Scene From One Of My Favorite Nazi Comedies
A scene from one of my favorite comedies, "A Friendship In Vienna." Before you ask, I'm pretty sure that is not El Dotson at the end of the video. I don't for sure. I never watch the credits of any movie since the only one that should ever get credit for anything is The Nokes. Enjoy!
"Vienna, Austria, 1938. The daughter of a Nazi officer sympathizes with her Jewish friend and is punished for it."
"Vienna, Austria, 1938. The daughter of a Nazi officer sympathizes with her Jewish friend and is punished for it."
Thursday, January 10, 2008
An idiot, His Bathroom, & His Sidekick Dilemma
So this moron just sold his Sidekick 3 and is looking to get a new Sidekick. So as if though anyone in the world would care, he posted a video on Youtube asking people to help him decide between the sidekick Slide or LX. He uses such eloquent phrases as "I hear the Slide is what and LX is poppin" Why does he keep looking around nervously? Is he afraid the Bathroom Goblin is going to come and rape him? Nokes Almighty!
The Nokes cannot and will not have an idiot of this magnitude on her network. I've ordered engineering to detonate his Sidekick the next time he goes to make a call. Oh and for those in Sales, do not under any circumstances sell anything to this man. In fact, feel free to unleash your store's tiger on him for a mauling.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
About This Dr. Phil Thing
As many of you have heard or read there's a big uproar over Dr. Phil and his visit to Britney's hospital room and his subsequent plans to have a show about her this week. The mental health community really has their collective panties in a bunch over this one. Let me explain how The Nokes factors in here.
You see, I don't have a whole lot of emotional range. Mostly I only feel anger, disdain and wealth. Yes, wealth is an emotion for The Nokes. Sometimes I feel all three of these at the same time which is a super-emotion dubbed by doctors as "feeling Nokes." At first, I thought that not having more feelings was a fault, an area of opportunity. So I set out to do something about it.
One day, I gathered up some clay, mixed it with water, and molded it into my own image. I then breathed into my clay man sculpture and it became alive. It became Dr. Phil. See, I created Dr. Phil to help teach me all about the full range of human emotions. I then realized how truly lame those other emotions, such as love, truly are. He did teach me just how to deal with people that are emotionally distressed: you yell and belittle them. Like mother, like son I guess. The only problem is that he is also a loud mouthed redneck. I mean, this guy doesn't shut up. Oprah was having a birthday party and that Ho always wants unique gifts. So I wrapped him up, put him in a box, and gave him to her. The rest is history. You're welcome Brit.
-Nokes Out!
You see, I don't have a whole lot of emotional range. Mostly I only feel anger, disdain and wealth. Yes, wealth is an emotion for The Nokes. Sometimes I feel all three of these at the same time which is a super-emotion dubbed by doctors as "feeling Nokes." At first, I thought that not having more feelings was a fault, an area of opportunity. So I set out to do something about it.
One day, I gathered up some clay, mixed it with water, and molded it into my own image. I then breathed into my clay man sculpture and it became alive. It became Dr. Phil. See, I created Dr. Phil to help teach me all about the full range of human emotions. I then realized how truly lame those other emotions, such as love, truly are. He did teach me just how to deal with people that are emotionally distressed: you yell and belittle them. Like mother, like son I guess. The only problem is that he is also a loud mouthed redneck. I mean, this guy doesn't shut up. Oprah was having a birthday party and that Ho always wants unique gifts. So I wrapped him up, put him in a box, and gave him to her. The rest is history. You're welcome Brit.
-Nokes Out!
Monday, January 7, 2008
Teaching A Lesson...
Nokes here, live from the Nokescave located 1 mile beneath T-Mobile headquarters. I finally had enough. The Nokes' hand was forced to teach T-Mobile's Chief People Officer, Manny Sousa, a lesson. By the way, Chief People Officer must be the weakest sounding executive position of all time. It sounds like the man is in charge of maintaining law and order in Fisher-Price town or something.
So why Manny? Frankly, The Nokes is tired of this smug bastard walking around T-Mobile like he's the reason for our employee satisfaction and employee retention rates. Where were you while I was busy creating Do More Get More, raising salaries, and implementing monthly incentives? Or where were you when The Nokes came up with the brilliant idea of having all Sr. Managers sign their souls over to me upon their promotion? Why do you think they never, and The Nokes means never, quit? Oh, that's right. You were stuffing burritos over at El Taco. Couldn't even cut it at Taco Bell so you had to go work for a knockoff. Sad Manny. Another thing, nobody thinks that its funny when you say "that's Sousariffic!" Nobody. Your mother constantly calls Dotson to complain about it. Knock it off.
Last night I had Lil Kim pay Manny a visit. I had her pull off all of his toenails and fingernails so that she could replace them with mirrors. Just as I suspected, he came in today barefoot and has been staring at his hands and feet all day. I scheduled a meeting for Manny with the heads of our German parent company Deutsch Telekom. I can't wait to see what these homophobic and racists Nazis think about a smug spanish man with mirrors for nails. You and Catherine Zeta-Jones will soon be sharing a room. Bwahahahaha!!!!
-Nokes Out!
So why Manny? Frankly, The Nokes is tired of this smug bastard walking around T-Mobile like he's the reason for our employee satisfaction and employee retention rates. Where were you while I was busy creating Do More Get More, raising salaries, and implementing monthly incentives? Or where were you when The Nokes came up with the brilliant idea of having all Sr. Managers sign their souls over to me upon their promotion? Why do you think they never, and The Nokes means never, quit? Oh, that's right. You were stuffing burritos over at El Taco. Couldn't even cut it at Taco Bell so you had to go work for a knockoff. Sad Manny. Another thing, nobody thinks that its funny when you say "that's Sousariffic!" Nobody. Your mother constantly calls Dotson to complain about it. Knock it off.
Last night I had Lil Kim pay Manny a visit. I had her pull off all of his toenails and fingernails so that she could replace them with mirrors. Just as I suspected, he came in today barefoot and has been staring at his hands and feet all day. I scheduled a meeting for Manny with the heads of our German parent company Deutsch Telekom. I can't wait to see what these homophobic and racists Nazis think about a smug spanish man with mirrors for nails. You and Catherine Zeta-Jones will soon be sharing a room. Bwahahahaha!!!!
-Nokes Out!
Sue, Barkley, & Your Quarterly Bonus
My good friend Charles Barkley has been calling me all week, leaving unintelligible message after unintelligible message. Turns out he wants The Nokes to teach him how to pronounce words. I really should just do it but I told him he'd have to work for it. So I challenged Charles to a game of basketball. If Charles wins I teach him how to pronounce words. If The Nokes wins I get to do a Mysapce-style survey about myself and pass it off as the company's 4th quarter bonus. Good news employees! After 2:31 seconds of utter domination the final score was Nokes 21, Charles 0. Momma Nokes with the shutout! Enjoy your bonus:
| What would you do if? | |
|---|---|
| The President of the United States called you: | Normally the Nokes sends him straight to voicemail. |
| You won the lottery: | What's a "lottery?" |
| You caught a friend stealing from you: | Let's just say that the words "Lil Kim" and "regulate" would be used |
| You witnessed a murder: | Get some popcorn |
| A random stranger offered you candy: | They better be rubies. Everyone knows that the only candy The Nokes eats is rubies |
| You found 10 dollars on the ground: | I would buy the sidewalk and then have it destroyed for wasting my time for a measly 10 dollars. |
| Someone cut off a chunk of your hair: | How about what my hair would do. My hair is made out of porcupine like needles |
Sue's Book Of Secrets
Maybe some of you have seen Nicholas Cage's new abomination: National Treasure, Book Of Secrets. Let The Nokes sum up the movie for you: Nicholas Cage wears a hairpiece and as usual, displays the acting chops of a rolled up piece of paper. You may be wondering why I'm even wasting my multi-million dollar time talking about this. Well, in the movie Cage obtains a book called "The Secret Book Of The Presidents." It's supposed to contain all of the nation's secrets and each President hands it down to the next. This is obviously based on my "The Secret Book Of The Nokes." Whoever let this information out will curse the day they heard the name Nokes.
There are some major differences. First of all, my book is bound by a lock that can only be opened with the Nazi Spear Of Destiny. Second, each page is written in woolly mammoth blood. Do you any idea how hard it is to get woolly mammoth blood? No, of course not. I'll tell you this much, it's a lot harder to get than Do More Get More points. The most important difference is that my book contains the secrets of the entire universe. Secrets that would blow your mind. Secrets like, "how does Sue Nokes never sleep or blink?" "Why magenta?" And so on. Why am I telling you this? Because The Nokes will not be shown up by a movie. Especially a Nicholas Cage movie. Any T-Mobile employee that goes to see this movie will be written up and forced to use a Nokia 3390.
There are some major differences. First of all, my book is bound by a lock that can only be opened with the Nazi Spear Of Destiny. Second, each page is written in woolly mammoth blood. Do you any idea how hard it is to get woolly mammoth blood? No, of course not. I'll tell you this much, it's a lot harder to get than Do More Get More points. The most important difference is that my book contains the secrets of the entire universe. Secrets that would blow your mind. Secrets like, "how does Sue Nokes never sleep or blink?" "Why magenta?" And so on. Why am I telling you this? Because The Nokes will not be shown up by a movie. Especially a Nicholas Cage movie. Any T-Mobile employee that goes to see this movie will be written up and forced to use a Nokia 3390.
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