A Long Overdue Goodbye

Nokes here!

I put Charles Barkley in charge of posting this blog but I recently got access to a top secret unfiltered Chinese Internet connection and found out that he had not posted this blog. He will be dealt with swiftly with my original set of medieval weaponry once owned by King Arthur...

...anyway, here is my last and long-overdue blog entry.

As you may have heard, I recently announced something that will change T-Mobile forever.

It was a morning like any other morning -- I fed some fresh giraffe to my pet tiger, was dressed by a billion nanotech robots in my most dashing baby panda skin pantsuit, had C3PO make a delicious breakfast of scrambled sea turtle eggs and baby seal bacon, and washed it all down with a piping hot cup of unfair trade coffee.

As I was reading over my daily intelligence briefings from the White House, Germany, and North Korea, Lil Kim and Charles Barkley walked into the kitchen. They had stayed the night in my 8000 square foot Mediterranean style guest palace the night before. I looked down at my diamoned crusted G4 -- it was 7:30. We knew what we had to do.

I sent Charles Barkley in the solid gold Concord because he's legally not allowed to be in or near a car. I, on the other hand, chose to drive my gold plated Bentley into the office. I needed a few minutes of fresh air to clear my head. When I pulled into the secret parking garage under Newport 5, I found Charles Barkley asleep leaning against a wall. For Nokessake! I think he may have already been drinking. After taking our private escalator, commanded by Rob Schneider, up to the 10th floor, my entourage arrived in Dotson's office.

"Robdog, we're leaving you."

Dotson dropped the box of powdered doughnuts his face was buried in. Powdered sugar was all over his face and on his sweater-vest. "Whaaa doof yuuf me?" He swallowed. "What do you mean? Why? When? Can we talk about this?"

No, we couldn't talk about this... my work at T-Mobile was done. It's all been an evil plot. All I've ever wanted was to permanantly live on my moonbase with my closest friends Charles Barkley and Lil Kim. The plan was going well until Charles Barkley lost his license for that silly DUI a few months ago -- I didn't think modern technology could determine if an individiual was intoxicated by power and baby tears. Anyway, I've been secretly abusing my position at T-Mobile to collect the items I needed for my moonbase.

I've had Verne Troyer, better known as Mini-Me from the Austin Powers Movie Series, hiding in Dotson's office collecting crumbs. I've promised him a spot in my moonbase because we all know just how cute he is in a little silver moon base suit. Anyway, C3PO has sorted all the crumbs and has used the 3G frequency radiation I borrowed from Cole to reconstitute and irradiate enough food to keep the moonbase running for 45 years.

Ever since the "Other Rob" came into my office and put his feet on my original Resolute Desk, built in 1880 from the timbers of the British Frigate Resolute, personally donated to me by Queen Victoria , I have been on a mission to destroy him. I've got your sheriff right here, asshole.

I've wired his bicycles with kinetic energy collection devices. Not only has it made it several times harder for him to ride his bike, he has personally generated enough energy to power my moonbase until, according to Brian Kirk Patrick's calculations, 2110! Nokes went green, bitches!

My most recent masterpiece has been in my sabatogue of Other Rob's personal pet project, that stupid IM thingy. For the longest time, no one could figure out why when one agent sent a marble it wasn't received on the other end. Well, my Nokesters, it was me. Muwhahaha! I personally tasked John Birrer with collecting them. I gave him a prototype Dyson Vaccuum cleaner and hid him in the floor of the Bothell Data Center. We almost got caught several times -- do you know how big that man's head is??It's impossible to sneak him anywhere! Anyway, we collected the marbles, ground them up into a powder, added a dash of Alticomm, and created the strongest glass the world has ever seen. My personal friend the Obamanator complimented me just the other day on my moon base's awe-inspiring panoramic views. In fact, he's put my moonbase down as his preferred continuity of government location.

Lots of people have reacted to the news of me leaving. I took Solid Gold Concord down to Albuquerque the other day, and the agents cried and wailed when I showed up. C3PO ran around and collected all the tears from the agents. I like the tears of Albuquerque agents -- they're spicy and have just a hint of red chile. They taste great in a Bloody Mary!

NASA was so saddened by my departure that they gave me a special spacesuit for my final trip to the moon. JD Powers and Associates, upon hearing the news, awarded me with their "Highest Overall Satisfaction for a Diety other than Jesus" lifetime award. I almost didn't accept it because even Jesus doesn't get an invitation to my cocktail parties... but I posed for a picture in the spacesuit in front of my new flag anyway.

Most of all, the ghost writers (there are many of them) of my blog have expressed extreme sadness in my departure. Although they have given me a lot of shit over the years, they appreciate all I've done for the company -- my relentless dedication to customer service that has won us countless awards and respect in the industry, the fact that I'm a positive role model to agents and truly believe they are #1, my ecclectic sense of fashion, and my questionable use of company resources. They know I will truly be missed.

I have just a few days left in this transitional period. People ask me if T-Mobile will change after I leave. I know, deep down in my heart, that T-Mobile will always be the beacon of customer satisfaction, champion of great value, and advocate of seamless personal connections that we have all made it over the past seven years. I'm confident that T-Mo will pull out of this slump and be on the way to the top in no time.

It won't be long before I take my final trip to the moon, never to come back... but you can pretty much be sure this isn't the last you've seen of the Nokes.

YOU CANT QUIT THE NOKES, BITCHES!

New Company Incentives/Sweet Justice/New Seperation Procedure

Nokes here. I just had my monthly skin shedding, a glass of chilled tears, and a brilliant idea. Not that anyone is surprised. After all, I think so deep that I eat religion and shit enlightenment. The Nokes' new idea is so great that it will work as new company incentive tool and also process all new separations for corporate schlubs ala John Birrer. What is it? Simple. I've had my right arm replaced with a medieval mace.

Fall below business standards? MACE! Make eye contact with The Nokes while I visit your call center? MACE! Look at my new mace? MACE! I think you get the idea. My new mace or as I call her, Sweet Justice, will also take care of processing all executive seperations. I'm having Lil Kim send out meeting makers as I type. Enjoy your day. BWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA!!!!

-Nokes Out!

Oh No He Didn't

So I was sitting at a Park just outside of T-Mobile's HQ, unblinkingly staring at children while suffocating a clown when I was interrupted my one of my Fave 5 contacts: My Good Friend Charles Barkley.



Charles: Thue! Thue! Yousa herda boutsa beer blog.

Nokes: Dammit Charles! I can barely understand a word you're saying. You sound like a drunk Jar Jar Binx. It's Thursday, 4:20pm, do you know what you're interrupting?

Charles: Clown chokins atsa park?

Nokes: Exactly. A blog about beer doesn't sound important. So unless your going to cheer
up The Nokes with news that there actually were casualties in that earthquake that hit California...

Charles: No, Thue... Beer-er. Notsa Beer.

Nokes: John Birrer has a Fake John Birrer Blog? That giant headed son of a bitch! Mama Nokes will deal with him. It's time we deflate that head of his to a somewhat proportionate size.

After hanging up with My Good Friend Charles Barkely I returned my attention to the children. Damn that Birrer. The clown is already passed out and I missed out on their initial cries of panic. I quickly had C3PO save what tears were left and store them to mix with some vodka later. The Nokes has some business to take care of.

In the meantime you can read John Birrer's blog as http://fakejohnbirrer.blogspot.com/ You know, the one that will never be as good as The Nokes'. Go let him know how great I am.

-Nokes Out!

Da Nokes Is Back!

That's right my little ones... All is right once again with the world. The Nokes is back! And judging by the amount of suicide letters I've received from T-Mobile employees, not a moment too soon. I was this close to having enough suicide letters to cover my entire Moonbase. In fact, I was going to stick it out a litle longer but my people cry out for me. Actually, we were starting to become understaffed due to so many employees following through on their letter. Whatevs. Instead I'll just make shower curtains out of the letter, or a diaper for John Birrer.

Speaking of Birrer, has anyone noticed how large this man's head is? Have you any idea how hard it is to sit in a meeting with him and not get caught in orbit by his head's gravitational pull. Just look at this. I had to use such a tiny picture to ensure none of your computers would be sucked into that vortex sitting on top of his neck.
If this isn't proof that this isn't a good I don't know what is. his head is literally taking up 75% of that picture. now don't missunderstand The Nokes. John's a great guy... as long as you're not edible. If he visits your center just do your best to not look edible. I usually use my slimy skin and shady soul to shape shift into an anthrax laced double-edge sword, which just so happens to be my natural shape.

Back From the Moon Base

Nokes here. I haven’t posted recently because I’ve been undergoing my semi-annual regeneration cycle on my moon base. Since I never sleep, the regeneration cycle is a standard practice for me every couple of years, but it comes with dire consequences. First it leaves Dotson with the impression that he’s in charge and he begins to make all sorts of changes after the first few days. The Nokes has to stamp out that kind of action immediately upon returning to the office. Usually all it takes is a box of Girl Scout Thin Mints to get him to settle down, but this time he was a bit more forceful than usual, so I made C3PO take him to Chuck E’ Cheeses for the day.

Another thing that happens when I’m in my regeneration cycle is the severe natural disasters you’ve been seeing on the news lately. As soon as I was back on Earth, my good friend Charles Barkley called me with the extent of the damage and I must say I’m impressed. You see, the Nokes controls all of the Earth’s weather patterns from her Diamond encrusted Blackberry Curve, and when it’s turned off, people die.

So now I’m off to take my nightly bath in a gold bathtub filled with the tears of orphaned Burmese children. Nokes out.

About My Amazing Leather Outfits

Many, many, many, of you have asked where I get my incredible leather outfits and business suits. Honestly, how often do you see a company officer decked out in a lime green, all leather, business suit? Not to mention the 50 carat diamond gloves I've been sporting as of late. That's style. One of the most frequent questions is how do I get the leather dyed in those colors. The answer: I don't.

Instead I have an entire farm of genetically engineered cows in an assortment of colors. I don't take care of these cows myself of course. I have a team of orphans that I picked up with the promise of an education and toys to take care of them. it's like killing two birds with one stone since I can then use the children's tears for my bubble baths. It's Nokestastic. That's enough secrets for one day.


-Nokes Out!

C3P0, the Philippines, and Sodomy

The Nokes thinks she might be sad. Not sure though because I’ve never felt this way but am told by my doctor I show the symptoms. The fact that my doctor suggested I remotely showed signs that “normal” people have every day was cause for his immediate expiration. C3P0 was fired today. That’s my second personal shopper in less than 1 year! For Nokessake! I thought he would be around forever since he’s a gay robot and all but apparently my bike team has converted him after they left my moonbase to set up a commune on the island of Lesbos. Apparently C3P0 is their love slave and straps on that highlighter somewhere and somehow all these bitches get sexual pleasure from his highlighting skills.

Speaking of love slaves let me tell you about the insane decision T-Mobile made. I received some complaints from Sales about our Customer Care sites changing hours of operation and how its affecting customers since they are no longer available 24/7, blah, blah, blah, blah. Normally I would have each of their store tigers turn on them and eat them in front of a family in the store but then I learned that we off-shored a site in the Philippines! What? The Philippines? I had made it clear that our first off-shore site would be in Cuba. I had already promised Fidel the General Manager position and he was in training after stepping down from his presidency! Rest assured The Nokes took care of those that outsourced to the Philippines by sodomizing them with Cuban cigars and fire. In the words of Lil Kim - Puff, puff give motha-fucker!

- Nokes Out!

Wrestling with My Demons

Afternoon Nokesaholics. Don't let the blog title fool you. I don't mean that I was wrestling with some horrible thing from my past. You see, The Nokes doesn't really work out, but when I want to get in some physical activity I actually wrestle with 2 demons that I own. Not only is it good exercise but it scares the hell out of everyone in Washington whenever I bring them into the gym at work. Dotson usually soils himself which aside from the smell (smells like freshly baked donuts) is pretty much hilarious. My good friend Charles Barkley suggested I give my 2 demons a job in HR. I'm definitely taking it under advisement. You may be wondering just how I obtained 2 demons. Let's just say that the Satan has an affinity for my management style.

-Nokes Out!

No Lube For You Suncom

You may have heard about our recent merger with Suncom. If you didn't I'd recommend that for the sake of your face's current configuration you pretend like you did. Anywho, the deal basicaly came about because I, The Nokes, didn't get service while in some Nokesforesaken carribean island that has the balls to call itself a country. I took my gold concord jet straight to the "offices" at Suncom. Their so called office is basically a shed with some wallpaper and shag carpeting. Lil Kim and I stormed in and offered to by them out for 1 billion dollars. These nitwits declined so I then advised them that I was now taking their company for them and all they were going to get was 100 million and a box of pop tarts. They gladly accepted, although I think Kim's glock may have had something to do with that.

So what of the Suncom employees? The plan is to have them limbo for their jobs. It's like giving the entire company a giant titty twister. Nokes style.

-Nokes Out!

The Bitch Is Back!

Nokes here. I was SHOCKED to find out that my blog was no longer being published. Usually I'm the one that does the shocking, preferably while someone is tied up with their feet in a bucket of water that I've connected to a car battery. You know, the usual. I reminded the disgruntled ex-employee author that I still own their soul and that they MUST continue writing. It seems that this moron forgot that while humans are made up of 90% water, The Nokes is made up of 90% bile. So here I am, back in effect as Lil Kim would say. I'll be back a little later to blog about the incredibly long corn-holing we gave Suncom on this merger. Like I said, The Bitch is back, so watch your.. um... back. Yeah.