This Charles Barkely Guy...

Robert Dotson here. So I arrive to work this morning and pick up my usual box of krispie kreeme donuts for breakfast. Everything's going just peachy and then suddenly BAM! I get a basketball slammed into my face. BAM! Again! It's Charles Barkley. He keeps asking me if I got his "dokiments."

Robert: You're what?

Charles: u git mah fax of dokiments?

Robert: I don't know what... (BAM!)

Charles: basketball!!!

Robert: OoOoOoww...

Charles: yeeeah booooy!

This went on for 10 minutes. I was going to have him kicked out but he's on the board of directors! Must be Nokes' handy work. I'm going to go take a dip in my margarine hot tub to see if these welts will go down. Sheesh!

Hotspot @ Home Is A Hit!

Robert Dotson here, still filling in for Sue this week. Or "The Nokes" as she refers to herself sometimes. I just got some preliminary numbers back on Hotspot @ home and I must say it's quite the hit. After the fiasco with the FCC earlier today (the one that forced me to eat a gallon of Rocky Road because it made me so sad) I really needed something to cheer me up. So how well does the actual product work? Perfectly! Just take a look at this picture of my secretary using Hotspot @ Home to call a customer back. I think we can all rest assured that he heard and understood every delightful word that came out of her mouth. I'm sure his issue regarding his battery exploding and the acid from it landing in his grandmother's contact lens solution got cleared up expeditiously. I'm off to the grocery store. Gotta pick up a gallon of Rocky Road ice cream to reward myself for Hotspot @ Home's performance.

-The Dotson

The FCC Meeting

Hello Dotsonites. Bad news for me today. The FCC meeting didn't go so well. Sure, the Sun Comm deal is pretty much a done deal but there's an upcoming spectrum auction and i came up with some really, really, cool ideas with what to do with it. But those bullies in the FCC put a kibosh on my ideas. This isn't fair. Nokes always gets what she wants from the FCC. Nokes, Nokes, Nokes! Anyway, I wanted to use some of the spectrum to send out automatic updates for whenever Krispy Kreme Donuts turns on their "Hot Donuts" sign. I even had the perfect name for it: Cream Alerts.

I guess they thought that the name could be taken to mean something else. I don't know what they're talking about but they also just thought it was a dumb idea. I started arguing with them about it but then one of them threw a Snickers out the room so I went after it on instinct. When I turned around they had already locked the door behind me, and ironically, were snickering at me! To make matters worse the Snickers didn't even satisfy my hunger. Now I'm sitting in my office eating a gallon of Rocky Road because I'm so sad. Woes me.

- :..(

Robert Dotson Here - My 1st Blog!

Man, oh man! I'm so excited to be Sue's guest blogger. Such a great, great, lady. Funny too. Like the time when she gave me a box of gum filled with baby teeth instead of Chiklets and I spent all day chewing them. You should have seen me. Trying to blow bubbles all day long. I was wondering why they tasted like Gerber baby food but hey, as long as it tastes good right? Sue spent some time with me this morning explaining what a blog and the internet is. It all sounds very neat. My friend cookie monster isn't going to believe this. Anyway, please pardon any spelling errors. My keyboard is full of dried chocolate grease. It's weird, sometime the keys are slippery and sometimes they stick. Worst of all I don't have a backspace key anymore. Someone left some vanilla filling on it and I mistook it for a minature twinkie. Oops! Gotta run guys. Not like physically run of course, just figuratively speaking. I have a big meeting with the head of the FCC today. I'll let you know how it turns out. Hopefully it'll go well and I'll be able to reward myself with a new pair of argyle socks.

-The Dotson

Heads Are Going To Roll...

I don't know who did it, I don't know how it happened. But somehow my X-Rays got out. Just look at this! Between Oprah, the Sidekick bathroom idiot, Fantasia's Sidekick escapades, Sue's Book Of Secrets fiasco, and now my X-Rays getting out I think The Nokes is due for a break. Preferably in the neck of whoever posted this pic. I'm kidding, but seriously... their neck. The Nokes is retreating to her moonbase for a week or so to recharge the batteries. But don't worry, the blog isn't going to be taking a break at all. I've decided to have Robert Dotson guest blog for me while I'm gone. Expect Robert's first post tomorrow morning or early afternoon. Depends how long it takes for him to get his hand out of the cookie jar. Tell all of your friends about it. Oh, and yes, someone will be terminated.

-I'll be baaack!

Ugh, Now Fantasia Is Ruining Sidekicks!

I had just wrapped up my dinner with my good friend Charles Barkley, Lil Kim, Kim Kardashian, Jesus, Dr. Phil, and of course C3PO when I received horrific news regarding the momentum we've been losing with Sidekick sales. The Nokes originally attributed the sales problem was due to us having to recall Motorola's version, The Sidekick Slide. By the way, thanks a lot Moto-Jerks. Momma Sue hasn't forgotten... Momma Sue never forgets. Well, it turns out that the sluggish sales had nothing to do with the Slide. Instead, there's a much bigger and disgusting problem: Fantasia. Yes, the same one who won American Idol a couple of years ago. This celebutard had been snapping up pictures pictures of herself in her underwear with her Sidekick 3. Look at exhibit "A."

Nokes Almighty! Did she have to stick out her tounge? Was tat necessary Fantasia? Maybe it's just stuck in the gap in her teeth. Ugh. I mean, we knew that she wasn't going to be texting or using IM when she bought it. It's not like reading is her strong suite, just look at this story about her reading ability or lack there of. But we never, ever, expected this. This has been on the internet since April. I've had engineering purge all Fantasia's pictures from our servers and when I say purge I mean purge. We've incinerated the computers they were stored on, placed a curse on the ashes, and launched the remains into the sun... the Krypton sun. The Nokes is barring Fantasia from ever owning a picture capable phone again. Ever. In fact below is a picture of the only phone Fantasia will ever be allowed to use on our network.

You just try to step out of line Fantasia and this kid will yell that you're beating him in a crowd and immediately begin to beat his torso until he's dialed my direct line. I'll erase you from pop culture if I have to, just like Catherine Zeta-Jones.

-Nokes Out!

PS Thanks for ruining my 50th blog. Now go learn how to read.

Scientology, Me, & Tommy Cruise

Let me preface this by saying that I am not a Scientologist. But man, do I love going to their meetings. Tommy Cruise and I just came back from a meeting in their dungeon, I mean headquarters down in FL. We were running late (well, Tom was running late. I'm always right on time but sometimes other people are early.) so we took one of my underground Nokes-tubes. I just had these remodeled with crown molding made from real crowns of deceased kings.

The meeting itself was fantastic. Everyone was talking about how great they think they are and how awesome it is to be your own demi-god. Ok, whatever. Then they proceeded to pray to Tom Cruise and I. We babbled something to them we heard on Star Trek and they ate it up as new gospel. Tom and I just love the attention. We told them that L. Ron Hubbard sent us a message from beyond that they needed to bring Tom and I and albino white tiger. Good luck with that. Well, I of course already have one but Tom wants one now. Oh by the way, Tom doesn't believe any of this crap, he just loves the attention. Says it makes him feel tall. He tells me that Katie Holmes is a nut though. She keeps wanting to visit Dawson's Creek. She has no idea it isn't real.

-Nokes Out!

PS The next blog will actually be my 50th post. I'm thinking about doing something special for it. Like firing everyone at T-Mobile. Hahahaha. I'm just kidding. But seriously.

Big Dinner Tonight

Morning Nokes-A-Holics. Big day today for The Nokes and her posse tonight. Tonight I'm holding my annual dinner with my closest friends and confidants. My good friends Charles Barkley, Lil Kim, Kim Kardashian, Jesus, Dr. Phil, and of course C3PO will all be there. I may even invite that ho Oprah so that we can patch things up. I've rented out a restaurant called... well, I'm not going to tell you what it's called since we want to make sure no one else shows up. Let's just say that it's very exclusive. Oh, and don't think you can just look for an empty restaurant to find it. The Nokes is too smart for that. This is why I've filled the restaurant with the animatronic historical figures used on that Disney ride about the US.

One last thing, even if you figure out what restaurant it is you'd best keep your distance. For I've had the local authorities make it illegal for anyone to even look at the restaurant unless you have an invitation. You'll be arrested on the spot. It'll be like a scene right our of that show "To Catch A Predator." As with other laws, this one doesn't apply to The Nokes since I was declared a sovereign nation by President Ronald Reagan years ago.


-Nokes Out!