Training Video From Alltel

Dotson just sent me this gem on the interweb. This video shows an Alltel employee on break in front of a drab looking Alltel building. Word on the street is that he was re-enacting his hiring exam.

This Is What Happens After I Leave A Center

Nokes here. I'll be blogging from my private Concord Jet today. Not sure where I'm going yet but I needed to create some space between myself and all of the crying. Let me explain. I just left from a visit to one of our amazing call centers. As usual, a fantastic group of people work there. Not that I'm surprised since Nokes doesn't hire trash. FYI, The Nokes reviews each application for every position at T-Mobile. The problem is that as soon as I said that it was time to go the waterworks turned on. The Beatles would have killed for these kind of tears. Who would they have killed? I don't know, maybe Kennedy. Just thinking out loud here. Barkley snapped this picture of a particularly sad group. Nokes was really torn up about the situation. The only tears I want to see need to be chilled, in a louis vuitton glass, and in my hand. I had Carmela, the woman I hired to hug and shake hands with people for me, console them but it was of no use. I think it had something to do with the outfit C3PO picked out for her. To the right is picture of her getting ready to put her arms around the employees. What do you think? I almost fired her but then I remembered that I have a meeting tomorrow and will need a hand-shaker.

To those employees at the center: Close your eyes. Take a deep breath. Don't worry, there's nothing to fear. Momma Nokes will be back with a new outfit, matching glasses, and more bling than you've ever seen before you know it.

Thankfully, C3PO packed my most relaxing DVD, "When Animals Attack." Nothing like a few tiger maulings to put The Nokes at ease.

-Nokes out!

Dotson & Barkley At The Party

More Gala items. Dotson showed up a little late. We left a trail of maple syrup for him to follow so that he could find the entrance (the place is in the middle of nowhere) but we didn't count on him having a bag of pancakes with him. I mean what are the chances? But see, that's the beauty of Dotson: he's always prepared. He's mostly prepared to agree with all of my brilliant ideas but this proves that he's far more proactive than people give him credit for. Problem is that by the time he got to the door he had a full on sugar rush. He must've talked to Kim Kardashian about Halo 3 for an hour before he started climbing the Forbidden Fruit Tree. Thankfully Jesus hadn't shown up yet.

My good friend Charles Barkley had a great time too. He gave 10 different speeches on what it takes to be a champion. Kanye West was like "Yo Sue, It's kind of ironic since he never won a championship while in the NBA. " I told him that The Nokes didn't appreciate that. I had him put on my private Concord Jet and sent him straight to Chad from Alltel's house. Those two deserve each other. More on the Gala later. I need to go make sure the Earth is still rotating on it's axis.

-Nokes Out!

Another Party Update

Yesterday's Gala was, like everything I do, a complete success. If someone could bottle me up and sell it they would be very poor because The Nokes is priceless. The Garden Of Eden is a pretty decent place. It's almost as nice as my subterranean chamber deep beneath T-Mobile headquarters. They don't take money for payment but a one night rental will cost you about two souls. Thankfully all Senior Managers and above are required to turn their soul over to me as soon as they accept the position. Nothing shady. It's right there in the letter they sign but most people usually skip that part and go straight to the salary section. Once they sign I become the manager of their soul. It's more of a hobby of mine but it really paid off big time last night. I know what you're thinking. Sue, how are you going to compensate those two employees for their souls? Let's just say there are two people who are about to receive a brand new Nokia 3390.

25th Year Anniversary Party Update

Greetings! C3PO here. Master Nokes asked me to provide a quick update on her "25th Anniversary Of Being Awake Gala" for you, her fans. Or employees. One in the same really. Master Nokes has been having a most wonderful time. She even managed to fix the server issues in Washington on a bathroom break. Quite impressive. The party will be going strong until Friday Morning. Here's a picture of Master Nokes opening the party. Of course, that Kanye West tried to hog spotlight. What a dastardly fellow.

Unfortunately, some guests have gotten completely out of hand. Here's me preparing to escort an overly intoxicated racist from the party. The audacity to insult Master Nokes at her Gala. More updates to come.

Why T-Mobile Employees Love Me

Sue here, blogging from my German T-Mobile iPhone. I'll have a full update on today's gala a little later today including pictures. I just had to take a quick break from having brandy with Ghandi to get something off my chest:

What is wrong with the idiots at AT&T wireless?! First they change their name to Cingular and put on a multimillion dollar ad campaign about how they're the biggest wireless company in the world and to come check out their Nickelodeon orange stores. Then a few months later all I see on my tv is "Cingular is now AT&T Wireless." What? Why? This kind of schizophrenic behavior is really puzzling. The Nokes would have taken that money and put into reward and recognition, incentives for frontline employees, a new company color... you know, something useful. Instead these wireless wanabees are so far behind us in customer satisfaction that if T-Mobile let out a fart the smell would be gone by the time it got to them.

Now I hear their CEO is pushing to change their name again. More bars in more places huh? How about you take a couple of bars of xanax? Then maybe you'll be able to calm down and stop this erratic behavior. Give back to your employees. That's the Nokes way. Uh oh. Looks like some losers from Amped Mobile are trying to crash my Gala. I gotta go grab Lil Kim and regulate on these fools.

-Nokes out!

Nice try Jesus, Tomorrow's Party Is Still On

As many of you know, one of T-Mobile's major data centers in Bothell was the victim of mysterious flooding. If you want more specifics on the flooding just Google T-Mobile. It's all over the internet. Anyway, just because T-Mobile websites and other major systems are down that doesn't mean that tomorrow's "25th Anniversary Of Me Being Awake Gala" is being canceled. Oh no. It is still on.

Now, the timing of this flood seems a little strange to me. Hmm... just days before my major Gala steals the spotlight away from Jesus and his Christmas, what happens? T-Mobile is flooded. I don't know if any of you've read The Bible (Nokes hasn't; not into science fiction) but Lil Kim told me that Jesus/God has done this before. Apparently, one time he got so pissed off about something that he flooded the entire Earth. Then he forced some drunk senior citizen to build an arc and round up some lions or something. The balls! The Nokes would never abuse her power like that. Never. Let's look at the facts shall we:

1. I put together a Gala that is sure to steal Jesus' thunder this Christmas season

2. I snub Jesus by not inviting him

3. To add insult to injury I booked the freaking Garden Of Eden for the event! Even he hasn't been there in years. Doesn't like the vibe I guess.

Sounds like three things that are sure to piss Him off, right Nokesters? Fast forward to today and the building where we house the servers for all of our major systems is flooded. FLOODED. Sound familiar to anyone? Now everything is down... everything except The Nokes.

I guess he expected me to personally stay and rebuild all of the servers and recover data all day tomorrow. (all of which I of course, am capable of doing) Not happening. Before "The Second Great Flood" happened, I had actually told Lil Kim that I was going to invite Jesus after all. At first she was happy to hear that but then I told her that it was to get his crown of thorns, aka item #5 on my Christmas list of demands. Turns out Lil Kim is a devout Christian and didn't think that was right. Who knew? After she cleared up what "right and wrong" mean I decided that because Lil Kim is my homie, I would not try to steal the crown of thorns.

Well the gloves are off now! To hell with you Jesus. I just e-mailed Big Juicy J his invitation and wrote that the party has a hat theme. Gee, I wonder what he'll wear?

-Nokes Out!

This is how I roll...

Here's a taste of the type of throw down you can expect from my party on Dec. 5th.



I really like my idea of having it in the middle of nowhere. I took the extra money saved, cashed it all in as $100 bills, and had C3P0 wipe my ass with them after he administered my daily colonic. You'll hear "twinkle toes" in the video talk about crack being back. Well, it is. I brought it back when I last met with my favorite drug lord in China. I plan on also bringing back the bubonic plague too but that will be a surprise.