Over 8 Million in Phones Stolen

You may have heard that 36,000 phones were recently stolen from our warehouse amounting to about 8 million in loses for T-Mobile. Much love to the faithful Nokes-A-Holic that sent me this link to the news story about it. The Nokes doesn't see what all the fuss is about. 8 million? That's nothing. I spend more than that a week on toilet paper alone. Granted, my toilet paper is made from a combination of the manuscripts of Jesus, Dead Sea Scrolls, chronicles from Atlantis, Dinosaur skin, and the diary of Shakespeare. Not only are these the finest and most expensive rare documents/forms of paper available but they are also just things I like to wipe my ass with. I of course don't create any actual waste since I am the world's only immaculate human being but you get my point. So don't worry about T-Mobile and the 8 million dollar loss. If anything I'll dock it from the warehouse employees' pay. Well, not their pay but their parents' Social Security checks. Can't have that employee satisfaction survey look bad.

-Nokes Out!

Another Reason Children Shouldn't Be Taught How To Write

Ho bag numero uno, Kim Kardashian, just sent me this picture. See, this is why The Nokes is a big proponent of not teaching children how to write until they've had a chance to learn about the power and grace that is Sue Nokes. Not only did this child draw this anti-T-Mobile logo but apparently she also drew Hulk Hogan to the left of it pointing at it. Just look at the Fu Manchu mustache on that man, it must the Hulkster. Don't worry Nokesheads, I'm having this rectified immediately. I sent Carmela (pictured right), the woman that I've hired to shake hands and hug people for me, down to re-educate this child. I'm of course, having this sidewalk destroyed and the immediate area lined with Anthrax. Just in case.

-Nokes Out 

2008 Kick Off In Denver Next Week

Buenos Dias Nokes-A-Holics. Nokes here, getting ready for next week's 2008 kick off in Denver, Colorado. The weather next week is going to be perfect for some sneering. Monday we're looking at a low of 14 degrees and a high of 42. I will be providing blog updates on the kick off throughout the week. Remember this year's dress code policy regarding jackets and sweaters: If you wear a jacket or sweater you must wear shorts, sandals, and no socks. 

So what does The Nokes have in store for you next week? Will my good friend Charles Barkley be there? What brilliant new ideas will I share with you? What will I be wearing? Don't worry, those questions will be answered soon enough my minions. I'm thinking about kicking off the meeting with a staring contest. First one to blink has to choose someone to be fired or walk over hot coals. I don't know just yet but I'll think of something fun. I stopped blinking a few years ago so best of luck to whoever faces The Nokes. 

So get ready, we're going to be changing the world next week. Next week will forever be remembered in human history as the time that the world changed. All history from now on will be measured as pre-2008 kick off, or post 2008 kick off. I'll wear outfits you didn't even think were possible to manufacture, you'll feel a cold tingle down you spine when I glare at you, and you'll leave knowing that The Nokes is the brightest star in the sky. See, you don't have to wait for the Earth to rotate on a 47 degree axis so the stars can align to create an equinox in the sky so that you can see the Big Dipper. No, no. All you have to do is call Mama Nokes, the new Big Dipper.

-Nokes Out!

Mt. Nokesmore Disaster

The Nokes is not a happy C.O.O. today. I just came  from visiting the newly christened Mt. Nokesmore. Apparently the artist was who carved my face over Lincoln's was Stevie Wonder. Just look at this! 

The only thing they did right was remove Lincoln (I couldn't have his "I freed the slaves thing" overshadowing The Nokes). Heads are going to roll whether they had something to do with this or not. So T-Mobile employees, as of this moment anyone with an even number of letters in their last name is on a disciplinary warning. The reason? The Nokes has 5 letters in her last name so anyone that doesn't have an odd number of letters in their last name is clearly not inline with our company goals. I expect all of you who are given warnings to contact the Social Security Administration to have your name changed ASAP. 

P.S. I had my good friend Charles Barkley change the blog's layout to match T-Mobile's signature colors. Let The Nokes know via comment if you like it better this way or the other. Please only comment if you have an odd number of letters in your last name.

-Nokes Out!

Sprint-Tards Want Me To Be Their CEO

Nokes here. I just received a link to a Sprint message board thread titled "Sue Nokes For CEO." Check out the link to the thread here. Money quote:

"Sprint's in the market for a new CEO and is also looking to fix its broken image, especially regarding customer service. How might they do that? Well, hiring Sue Nokes, the maverick executive who has led T-mobile's customer service to win top awards repeatedly for the last several years."

As if. Don't get The Nokes wrong. Everything he said is true. I, like Madonna, Ghandi, and Martin Luther King, as a maverick. I mean have you seen my outfits? Just 2 days ago C3PO and I picked out a smashing bright yellow, all leather, pajama set. The stitching is made from Hitler's mustache and Mussolini's eyebrows. You couldn't even use money to buy it. I paid for it with the broken dreams of a puppy. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get those? Or how expensive they are? I don't actually sleep though so I'll probably just put the pajama set on display at my moonbase or something. My point is if that isn't CEO material I don't know what is. I'm sorry but The Nokes would never leave T-Mobile to go down to the projects of the wireless industry. Here's another, less than positive quote:

"T-mobile execs are not data focused, they might not even know how to spell it, and sprint is purely data focused for the future. Their mindsets are not what the company is looking for."

The audacity! T-Mobile not data focused? We've got Edge! The fastest low-bandwith data delivery available for networks that have somehow failed to upgrade to 3G. But you're right, our mindset isn't what Sprint is looking for. You see, at T-Mobile we have this crazy mindset about good customer service, fair rate plans, Gucci sunglasses, and diamonds. Whereas Sprint, the whore of our industry, fills the room with the smell of wasted opportunity every time it opens it's mouth. Sorry, kids... The Nokes, my good friend Charles Barkley, Lil Kim, C3PO, and Kim Kardashian are all staying at the magenta fortress.

-Nokes Out

From Yesterday's Shopping Trip

Nokes here. Just wanted to show you one of the new items I picked up on yesterday's shopping excursion. I bought 250 of these shift knobs, one for each car in my fleet. These will be kept in mint condition since as you know, I don't really drive but instead travel only by gold concord jet, underground tube, moonwalk, or oompa loompa carry. At a price tag 1.7 million a piece we may have to change up this year's Peak trip to cover the cost. I'm thinking instead of Hawaii we'll have our Peak winners go to Wyoming instead. I also bought one of these to be installed on top of Robert Dotson's head to make it easier for me to control him.

-Nokes Out!

About This Heath Ledger Thing

I'm sure by now you've all heard about Heath Ledger's tragic and dissapointing death. Well Mama Nokes is going to make this right. I'm taking the Nokesjet to visit with Heath's parents this afternoon. I was going to have Dr. Phil do it but that didn't go so well last time. See, the real tragedy and dissapointment of Heath's death is the fact that his T-Mobile account is past due 33 days. The Nokes isn't going to let this stand. I'll be visiting with Heath's parents in Australia this afternoon to collect the balance in full, including the early termination fee. The Nokes takes payment in diamonds and tears. I have a feeling payment will be provided with the latter.

-Nokes Out!

Is Alltel Promoting Drug Use?

Looks like Chad from Alltel has gotten everyone in Alltel's marketing department to start smoking those funny cigarretes with him. I mean, just look at this video of one of their billboards. They're just blatantly promoting the herb, the ganja, the wacky tabacky, the mary jane man. The only thing missing from this billboard is Cheech & Chong.

Lil Kim Is On The Case...

Thanks for ruining my shopping day, "unsatisfied customer." I was just leaving a jewelry store on Melrose when I spotted this, this... abomination on all that is holy and Nokes. To think you actually wasted your time on this. To think that you thought you could make a difference. I told, nay, I warned Governor Arlnold about cars like this. I made it very clear that if he wished to remain the Governator he needed to be sure that all of these were garage kept anytime I visited California.

These damn PT Cruisers just make The Nokes' blood boil. They're just hideous cars. My blood got so hot that one of the Oompa Loompa's that was carrying me suffered 3rd degree burns. I assured him that if he kept practicing getting burned he could one day reach the top with 1st degree burns. What can I say? I'm a motivator. But back to this car. Who buys these hideous things? Look, the reason why I can't stand to look at these cars is because they look like Robert Dotson bent over onto his stomach while inexplicably holding four tires. It's fitting that this car was in Visitor Parking because it's my world and you, PT Cruiser owner, are just a visitor. I immediately diamoned the car which is just like keying a car except I only use the finest diamonds when I attack. But don't worry, I have Lil' Kim tracking down the owner of the vehicle. Oh, the Queen Bee will regulate.

-Nokes Out!

PS C3PO just informed me that he pointed this car out to me because it says that "T-Mobile Customer Service Sucks." After about 20 minutes I was able to see through my disgust and saw the hate crime he was talking about. Those letters are perfectly straight. What, did this guy use a level to align this message of hate? I just hope this car belongs to Chad from Alltel. We'll see who gets leveled in the end. Bwahahahaha!!

-Nokes Enraged!

Shopping Time!

It's been a long time since The Nokes went shopping with my Personal Assistant, C3PO. i would say it's been at least half a day. In honor of my head being added to Mt. Rushmore, C3PO and I really want to make tomorrow's shopping escapade special. So here's the deal-i-o. I've hired the original Oompa Loompas to carry me around Melrose Avenue while I shop. If they even let any of my toes touch the ground my good friend Charles Barkley will take one of them out with a basketball shot straight to the head. If we have to we'll do it all the way until there's only one carrying me. Only the best for The Nokes.

I've been eyeing a Chanel Bag to store my skin after my monthly shedding. It turns out that my skin makes for a clean and powerful fuel. We've been powering T-Mobile's headquarter's for the last 3 months with just the skin from my left hand... and I'm right handed! We'll also be stopping by the liquor store to pick up some Cristal for my laundry. I never actually wear anything more than once but sometimes it's good to remind people of just how rich and blingtastic I am by washing my clothes in Cristal and then burning them by using a piece of the original constitution as kindling. Even Bill Gates can't touch me. Hopefully I'll have an update on some more of the wonderful items I'll be purchasing tomorrow. Don't forget to sell, sell, sell, tomorrow. My Dinosaur bone staircase doesn't pay for itself you know. I'd hate to fire you and have your family relocated to Guantanamo Bay. I'm kidding... but seriously, don't force The Nokes' hand.

-Nokes Out!

The Nokes Is Back

I just got back from my moonbase. I meant to come back in the morning but there were a few countries that I needed to scout from my moonbase. I'm looking at you Zaire. You know what you did. So how about that Dotson? Boy, he is really into food. Although I've never seen it, I always suspected that he had a margarine hot tub. I mean, why else would we be getting an order of 200 containers of "I can't believe it's not butter" twice a week. I should have expected as much. My little vacation was Nokestastic. I even had some time to secure a very, very, exciting new deal for our customers. Beginning next month our customers will see a new $5.99 fee on their bill called "Nokesmore." This exciting new fee will help to pay to have my perfectly symmetrical face added to Mount Rushmore. I think we're going to take George Washington and move him to the end of the row. Or around to the other side of the mountain if there isn't enough room. The Nokes doesn't care. Construction begins tomorrow. I'll have apic of Mt. Nokesmore up as soon as it's complete.

-Nokes Out

The Nokes Will Be Back Blogging Tomorrow

I couldn't take it anymore. Ever since I let Dotson guest blog all I read about on my celestial page is about food. This must come to an end. I explained that my blog is a huge honor for him and that he should video tape himself typing his first one. I also advised him to tape over his first child's birth since his first blog would officially become the most important and happiest day of his life. Did he do any of what I kindly demanded? No. Of course not. Well my blog can't be about your next sugar rush so The Nokes is coming back from my break early. I'll be departing my moonbase sometime in the morning. Oh, and I brought back a souvenir for everyone: my anger.

-Nokes Out! 

My Heroes

Robert Dotson here. I want to thank everyone for their support as interim blogger here. The cake they got me at the office was fantastic. Although, next time you can leave the cake part  back at the baker. Just the frosting would be great. I was just about to have my bedtime glass of warm gravy and figured that I'd give you an opportunity to learn a little more about me. So here's a short survey:

Personal:
One of your heroes that you know personally?	Cookie Monster
why is he/she your hero?	He's the first one I've ever seen that has made a living out of eating cookies. This guy is amazing
when did you meet this person?	15 years ago
how did you meet this person?	I met him at the National Gluttons Of America Conference
Other Hero
Whos your #1 hero?	Sue Nokes
why are they your hero?	Sue made it very clear that for the sake of my health, job, and continued rotation of the earth on it's axis I had best come to realize that she is my hero.
how did you meet/find out about them?	Sue actually won't let me know. She had C3PO do something to me and now I can't remember how we even met
Top 5 Heroes
1	Sue Nokes
2	Cookie Monster
3	Chris Farley
4	John Candy
5	Ted Kennedy's liver