Inspiration From Sue To You

Evening Nokes-a-holics. Nokes here to deliver an inspirational message to you for 2008. Inspiration can come from anywhere. Today, we're going to talk about having that killer instinct in 2008. A killer instinct strong enough to allow us to not only beat our competition, but to also buy their company and make their employees our personal pets. Today we're going to talk about the 12/28 tiger attack at the San Diego Zoo. For the three of you that haven't heard about this inspirational mauling you can click here to read all about it.

On 12/28 a 350lb. Siberian Tiger escaped from it's holding area by climbing a 12 1/2 ft. wall. After years of being taunted by park visitors this tiger unleashed it's killer instinct by mauling one park visitor to death and leaving his two friends alive but severely injured. Amazing. This tiger was smart enough to know that sometimes you have to leave some of the competition just barely hanging on in order to let others know about your power. Word of mouth is a powerful marketing tool my friends. Well, we're not really friends but you know what The Nokes means. So how does this apply to T-Mobile in 2008? I want 2008 to be the year of killer instinct for us. Don't just let a customer walk out of the store without signing up for service. You leap over their 12 ft. wall of questions and doubt and maul them until they have signed up for a 2 year Myfaves program! Figuratively speaking of course.

Now, let The Nokes make something clear: I nor T-Mobile advocate for our employees to literally maul our potential customers. Frankly, we just don't have the time to train everyone in the company on proper mauling. That is why each T-Mobile store will be provided with a Tiger. Do not attempt to domesticate these tigers in anyway. They are from my personal collection. They are to be fed a strict diet of Hot Sauce and salt water. This will keep their killer instinct alive. You will also find that they will be leashed and collared with a generous 50 foot leash so they can access the entire store. This will help keep your killer instinct alive. Happy New Year!

-Nokes Out!

My Moonbase Is Almost Complete

Here's the latest picture of my moonbase from Google Earth. I'm thinking about making this my permanent base of operations once it's fully operational. Barkley ad I even tossed around having it take over as the new corporate office for my T-Mobile Empire. We'll see. Aside from my usual comforts (baby giraffe skin lampshades, panda eyeball door knobs, etc.) this moonbase base has a secret system designed to help The Nokes deal with the recent increase in employees who are rebelling against the T-Mobile Empire. What's worse is that these employees seem to be building a community of some sort. I find your lack of faith in The Nokes disturbing. Soon your little "Rebel Alliance" will be crushed. It's just like I told Dotson when I called him about being last on his Myfaves, "The circle is complete. When I left you I was but a learner, now I am the master!"

He tried to convince me that nobody was first or last. He said that because it's a circle there's no beginning or end. Ok, Aristotle. Well The Nokes knows the beginning and end of all circles. You don't know the power of The Nokes!

The Reason For All The Changes...

Nokes here. Ready to impart knowledge, wisdom, and perspicuity (look it up). Some of you have been lamenting over changes in commission structure, budget cuts, and restructuring of retail. I fact, some of you have even done so on here. The audacity! I allowed it to go on because I knew that once I showed what that money was being used for you would be so happy and excited for The Nokes that you would feel as if though you had betrayed your own mother... and maybe in a way you have. Now, before you collectively take a dive onto your Samurai swords take a moment to check out Mama Nokes' new rims!

Doesn't knowing that The Nokes will be rolling on these 22 inch Dubs and 110,000 carets make those sacrifices more than worth it? It's more like I did you a favor. Well, I won't be actually driving these anywhere since I only travel by Gold Concord Jet, an intricate system of worldwide tubes, floating, or the occasional moonwalk. But they' do look bling-tastic on my fleet of cars I never drive. Happy New Year!

-Nokes Out

P.S. We may put one of these on the Do More Get More catalog. Just 2.5 million points to get one. One.

It's About Time... Literally

Father Time finally came to his senses. He’s agreed with some coaxing, or should I say Nokesing, to get rid of those ridiculous b.c. and a.d. initials after years in history. Who really even knows what they mean?? Come on, b.c.?? Supposedly the “b” stands for “before” and the “c” is some nobody. From now on there will be b.n. and a.n. Simply put, all history books will be rewritten so everyone will know if it was Before Nokes or After Nokes. The year to differentiate the two is still being worked out since no one quite knows when I came into existence. I guess historians and archaeologists are all pissed off at me now, but I don’t really care. What I am doing is helping the rest of humanity gain more clarity in their lives. Too bad loads of documents will have to be rewritten but, hey, job security right?

On a different note you may have noticed that my MySpace account is no longer in existence. Well, it got canceled by some idiot who obviously doesn’t know the power of The Nokes. Supposedly there is a similar site out there called Facebook. I like the sound of it better because it reminds me of my taxidermy book of faces. Mostly they are faces of enemies. I had it bound and wrapped in Mother Teresa’s sari.

- Nokes Out!

Dotson's Myfaves

I finally accomplished my final goal for 2007: Robert Dotson's Myfaves! My sources in engineering assure me that this screenshot is 100% accurate. Free fake bag of diamonds is on it's way to you gentlemen. So let's begin, clockwise:

1 - Cookie Monster: No surprise here. Robbie and Cookie Monster go way back. Not only do they follow almost the exact same diet, they also both have big furry hands.

2 - 911: At first The Nokes thought that this was odd. But C3PO made a really good point: going on 30 day cookie eating binges with Cookie Monster probably isn't very good for your heart. I said it before, Rob's a smart guy. Always prepared.

3 - Stay Puft Marshmallow Man: You might remember him from the Ghostbusters Movies as the 112 ft living, giant... marshmallow. It's a good thing when someone's hero becomes their friend.

4 - Paris Hilton: The Nokes doesn't even want to know what she's doing here. I'm going to tell myself that they just get together on Saturdays to bejewel their Sidekicks. Yes, that's it.

5 - Sue Nokes: Wait, The Nokes is last? Last!? This is not going to work for The Nokes at all. Expect a call Dotson. An unpleasant one.

Thanks For The Baby Teeth, Your Statehood Is Safe Kansas

Kansas, Kansas, Kansas. I was only kidding about sending me baby teeth as penance. What exactly am I to do with this 64oz. bag of baby teeth that was delivered to me today? Don't get me wrong, The Nokes appreciates your devotion but please think things through first. It is Kansas so I suppose these would have fallen out sooner or later.

My good friend Charles Barkley and I did find a use for some of the teeth. First, I called a big meeting today so that my Devotees (new title for all of my direct reports) could give The Nokes a progress report on "T-Reality." I had the usual engraved granite invitations I use for all of my meetings sent out this afternoon. I bet they were sweating up a storm when they saw them. See, the catch is that there's no such thing as "T-Reality." It's just a little something The Nokes made up to keep the team on their toes. It's just like the time I based their bonuses on staring contests with me. Little did they know that I don't just not sleep, I also don't blink. Ever. 

Barkley's head almost exploded from trying to contain his laughter during the meeting. For Nokessake, someone actually made a Powerpoint about T-Reality and another Devotee brought in that immoral girl from The Real World Vegas, Trishelle. This was all fine and good but the whole point of the meeting was to offer El Dotson a box of Chicklets Gum. Only that I had the Chicklets replaced with pure Kansas Baby Teeth.  The "boss" spent the entire day chewing teeth and holding his jaw. To add insult to injury Lil Kim was staring at Dotson while  popping bubbles with real Chicklets gum the entire 4 hour meeting. Priceless. 

-Nokes Out!

The Kansas Trip Is Off

I had quite the tour planned for Kansas. I was going to hit all of our call centers there as well as all direct and indirect dealers. The trip was going to be capped off with the donation of a pair of one of my signature glasses to a museum of art and a lock of my hair to be put on display at our Wichita center. The Nokes was just about to touch down in Wichita, KS but I noticed something that demanded the plane be turned around: cows.

I don't personally have a problem with cows. The issue at hand is that I made it clear to the state of Kansas that all cows were to be removed from the stat 5 days prior to my arrival. Why isn't important, only that it wasn't done. The pilot started blabbing about the FAA and that we need to register a flightplan with them. Blah, blah, blah. I knocked him out with some ether and flew the plane back to the Nokescave myself. What an unprofessional. Oh, and Kansas, if you ever try to pull a stunt like this again I will have your statehood revoked and have you replaced with Puerto Rico. But for now all I'l demand as penance is a tooth from every child born there this year.

-Nokes Out!

Dom Vito's Daughter Responds To Idiot Below

Sigh. Look at this. I know it's hard but that's a direct order. Dom Vito's long-lost daughter responded to the idiot that originally complained about not getting his Sidekick on the release date. First thing The Nokes noticed is that she really needs two cameras to properly shoot this. Why? Because she is directly facing the camera but only one eye is looking at me. Frankly, even that is one eye too many. First she starts off by gushing about how much she wants a Sidekick but then starts bitching about T-Mobile. Those opinions are as far apart from each other as her eyes. Have a bucket ready as she wraps up her nonsensical rant with, "Ugh, I think I'm going to need a bubblebath." Yes, please take one: in acid.

I'm off to visit Marketing. We need to get a special section added in the next Splash Magazine listing people who are not allowed to apply for service. Two guesses who's taking spot one and dos.

P.S. Nice WWE poster in the background. Maybe John Cena can dropkick your eyes straight for you.

-Nokes Out!

Idiot Complains About T-Mobile On Youtube

Much love to the blog reader that sent over this vid. Free bag of Fake Sue Diamonds is on it's way to you. Not only did this sap make a video complaining about not being able to get a Sidekick LX, he also went all artsy complete with crappy Windows Movie Maker "special" effects and some cheesy piano music from his personal Celine Dion instrumentals collection. If that wasn't bad enough, this half-man half-cholesterol atrocity had the audacity to film himself in his bathtub. The Nokes almost threw up her Giraffe veal dinner. This meatbag was upset because he couldn't get his precious Sidekick LX on the release date even though the 

store had it in stock. 

Money quote: "The Sidekick LX is the latest Sidekick to join the line of Sidekicks, which started with the original"

Yes, funny how most things start with the original.

Let The Nokes break it down for you. The store rep denied you a Sidekick because we don't want you to have one. The Sidekick LX (much like The Nokes) is for the cool and hip. Maybe you were confused and thought it was for fools with big hips. If you're not convinced he doesn't deserve a Sidekick LX feel free to fast forward the video to the 4:23 mark. Just watch Doughboy's face light up as he starts talking about the new World Of Warcraft character he created. The character's name is VonSexi. Unbelievable. 

Listen here nerd, not only will you never ever be allowed to purchase a Sidekick but I'm having your T-Mobile account terminated immediately. Don't pay the bill. The Nokes doesn't even want to be associated with your money. Oh, and should you even try to borrow a friend's Sidekick, I swear with God as my witness, The Nokes will have you skinned and wear you as a coat. 

-Nokes Out

Bennigans & The Spears Family

While visiting a call center today I offered to take the management team there to out to lunch. Their choice of restaurant. Now I didn't actually want to sit down to eat with these people (I usually just eat one large meal a month) but there's no better way to make a group of managers uncomfortable than by confronting them at a sit down restaurant. Try it out sometime. The problem is that they chose some place called Bennigan's.

The first thing I noticed is that the customary rose petals that other centers throw anywhere I step were nowhere to be found. Bad move Kansas. Then I noticed that there is crap all over the walls. A sleigh, a bucket, a marionette? Who the hell decorated this place? Robert Dotson. The Nokes is kiddding, but seriously, did he? I soon realized that this "establishment" is Irish. I assumed that meant we'd all have to eat a bowl of raw potatoes. Instead I ended up with something called a Monte Cristo. It tasted like a bland potato. Actually, I've never had a potato but I'm sure they taste like Monte Cristos. Thankfully I brought my crushed diamond seasoning and platinum utensils.

Eventually I had Kim Kardashian pick me up in the Sue Copter. I'm off to go talk to Britney Spears' little sister . Oh, you didn't hear? She's 16 and pregnant. I'm going to go slap the white trash right out of that family.

-Nokes Out!