C3P0, the Philippines, and Sodomy

The Nokes thinks she might be sad. Not sure though because I’ve never felt this way but am told by my doctor I show the symptoms. The fact that my doctor suggested I remotely showed signs that “normal” people have every day was cause for his immediate expiration. C3P0 was fired today. That’s my second personal shopper in less than 1 year! For Nokessake! I thought he would be around forever since he’s a gay robot and all but apparently my bike team has converted him after they left my moonbase to set up a commune on the island of Lesbos. Apparently C3P0 is their love slave and straps on that highlighter somewhere and somehow all these bitches get sexual pleasure from his highlighting skills.

Speaking of love slaves let me tell you about the insane decision T-Mobile made. I received some complaints from Sales about our Customer Care sites changing hours of operation and how its affecting customers since they are no longer available 24/7, blah, blah, blah, blah. Normally I would have each of their store tigers turn on them and eat them in front of a family in the store but then I learned that we off-shored a site in the Philippines! What? The Philippines? I had made it clear that our first off-shore site would be in Cuba. I had already promised Fidel the General Manager position and he was in training after stepping down from his presidency! Rest assured The Nokes took care of those that outsourced to the Philippines by sodomizing them with Cuban cigars and fire. In the words of Lil Kim - Puff, puff give motha-fucker!

- Nokes Out!

Wrestling with My Demons

Afternoon Nokesaholics. Don't let the blog title fool you. I don't mean that I was wrestling with some horrible thing from my past. You see, The Nokes doesn't really work out, but when I want to get in some physical activity I actually wrestle with 2 demons that I own. Not only is it good exercise but it scares the hell out of everyone in Washington whenever I bring them into the gym at work. Dotson usually soils himself which aside from the smell (smells like freshly baked donuts) is pretty much hilarious. My good friend Charles Barkley suggested I give my 2 demons a job in HR. I'm definitely taking it under advisement. You may be wondering just how I obtained 2 demons. Let's just say that the Satan has an affinity for my management style.

-Nokes Out!

No Lube For You Suncom

You may have heard about our recent merger with Suncom. If you didn't I'd recommend that for the sake of your face's current configuration you pretend like you did. Anywho, the deal basicaly came about because I, The Nokes, didn't get service while in some Nokesforesaken carribean island that has the balls to call itself a country. I took my gold concord jet straight to the "offices" at Suncom. Their so called office is basically a shed with some wallpaper and shag carpeting. Lil Kim and I stormed in and offered to by them out for 1 billion dollars. These nitwits declined so I then advised them that I was now taking their company for them and all they were going to get was 100 million and a box of pop tarts. They gladly accepted, although I think Kim's glock may have had something to do with that.

So what of the Suncom employees? The plan is to have them limbo for their jobs. It's like giving the entire company a giant titty twister. Nokes style.

-Nokes Out!

The Bitch Is Back!

Nokes here. I was SHOCKED to find out that my blog was no longer being published. Usually I'm the one that does the shocking, preferably while someone is tied up with their feet in a bucket of water that I've connected to a car battery. You know, the usual. I reminded the disgruntled ex-employee author that I still own their soul and that they MUST continue writing. It seems that this moron forgot that while humans are made up of 90% water, The Nokes is made up of 90% bile. So here I am, back in effect as Lil Kim would say. I'll be back a little later to blog about the incredibly long corn-holing we gave Suncom on this merger. Like I said, The Bitch is back, so watch your.. um... back. Yeah.

All Good Things...

... must come to an end. Unfortunately, this blog is no different. This blog started out as just something to do for fun. I never imagined that there would be 85 posts in just a few months' time. However, it's becoming increasingly difficult to come up with funny topics that are somehow Nokes or T-Mobile related. The Fake Sue character has been a lot of fun to do but it's becoming more of a chore than something I enjoy. Also, I want the blog to go out on a high note rather than have it gradually get less and less funny or interesting. Maybe one day I'll dust off her moonbase, C3PO, and her good friend Charles Barkley. But for now, The Nokes is going into her hyperbaric chamber for a well deserved nap. Thanks to everyone who posted a comment or e-mailed me about the blog. The page itself will remain up as will the previous blogs. Thanks again. It's been fun.

-Fake Sue Nokes Author Out!

More Highlighter Trouble

The Nokes here. I didn't blog yesterday due to having to spend the entire day coaxing the women's cycling team out of their room. Ever since I gave them the T-Mobile highlighters they have just spent all of their time in their room moaning and excitedly highlighting documents. It's out of control. The only way I was able to get them out of their rooms was by stealing their highlighters and putting them on their bicycle seats. Anyway, they're now riding those seats faster than they ever have before. What can I say? The Nokes is a genius, just like Mussolini.

-Nokes Out!

I don't See The Problem With This Highlighter At All

The Nokes just doesn't get it. Apparently, this highlighter that we sent out to all of our offices last year is still causing quite the commotion. Some people insist that the highlighter (pictured left) resembles whatever that thing is to the right of it. I just don't see what you people are talking about. Nokesdammit I get a call from HR about one of these things just about everyday! It's absolutely ridiculous. How dare HR call me, the Nokesmeister, about any complaints. Lil Kim must be getting tired from all of the HR employees she's had to go regulate on.

But back to the highlighter. There are two models. Most models had magenta hair sticking out the top of the head like those little troll dolls. This hairless, or "shaved" model, highlights just as well but minus the hair. Personally,  I always thought that this one would be sleeker and provide less friction when highlighting. I wouldn't know for sure though since as you know, I don't use a highlighter because every word I write is important. This is why all of my memos are sent on bright magenta or bright yellow paper. 

Anyway, we spent a lot of money on these gorgeous highlighters yet all I get are complaints about how questionable they look. People are getting offended. Well, if I don't get offended by it then it's certainly not offensive. I just gave a case of these to T-Mobile's Women's Cycling Team last night and they love them. They said that using these was a thrilling experience. How many times do you hear that about a highlighter? In fact, the only complaint that they had was that they wish it was bigger. Which I can only assume means that they want a bigger version so that it will hold more highlighting fluid. C3PO volunteered to order and test a bigger model so expect a bigger, thicker, and more powerful T-Mobile highlighter this year.

-Nokes Out!

About Our Mother's Day Ads

Marketing just sent over these new Mother's Day ads over to myself and El Dotson. My good friend Charles Barkley thinks that some people may get offended. This is coming from a man that threw someone through the window of a bar a few years ago. Don't believe The Nokes? Read about it here. Personally, I don't see what he was talking about. This is the note he sent me:

"Stik n to yo momma nasty not good. uh no. she lika it. i fax a dokiment fromma bibble. don't stick to momma lika dat."

It's going to be a long day for The Nokes. I'll definitely need to drink a glass of chilled tears at the end of this one.

-Nokes Out!

And The New T-Mobile Women's Cycling Team Coach Is...

... The Nokes of course. Just look at these ladies and their powerful legs. Yes... Anyway, who better than The Nokes to help train and lead a team to victory. Just look at what I've done with myself, Dotson, and those other dispensable white guys that sit at the big table over in WA. Speaking of Dotson, ever since the Denver trip he's been on a strict diet... of snow cones. Apparently he's been talking about how he won't let some "food" beat him. I imagine he's referring to the day that he gorged himself on a small mountain of snow and had to be rushed to the hospital to have his stomach pumped. First I thought that he  just figured it was vanilla or frosting. That would've actually been better than the truth. The truth is that he took the term "snow cone" to a whole new level. Sigh.

 First order of business is to build team unity. This is why I'm having the women's cycling team move in with me in my moonbase. Not only will our close quarters help the team to bond with their new coach but it will also keep away prying eyes. Because as you know, we can't have anyone learning The Nokes' special techniques. I have a simple motto for our cycling team: Destroy the competition completely or The Nokes will completely destroy you.  I've hung up the following posters around the moonbase to provide motivation.

 The Nokes will be back a little later. I need to go measure/fit the girls for their new uniforms. 

-Nokes Out!

The Rest Of The Values

Nokes here. A few people, who will soon be unemployed, pointed out that I didn't cover all of the values. Nokes Almighty, I know that you can't get enough of my wisdom but if you had taken the time to read my post you would have seen that I wasn't covering all of the values. However, since you're dying for another hit of that sweet Nokes ecstacy pill I will now baptise you with my awesomenessity.

-Our frontline employees (CSRs, RSRs, Field Techs) are #1 and the customer is why = YOU ARE FIRST ON THE FIRING LINE. LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY. IF YOU OR ANYONE ELSE SCREW UP YOU ARE GONE AND NEVER HEARD FROM AGAIN

-Customer delight drives actions = THE NOKES IS THE CUSTOMER AND I HAD BEST BE DELIGHTED

-Recognize and celebrate team success= I'M TOO BUSY BUYING DIAMONDS, DRINKING HOLY WATER, & BACKING PUPPIES INTO A CORNER TO RECOGNIZE YOU. YOU'D BEST DO IT YOURSELF BECAUSE I CERTAINLY WON'T.

P.S. Memorization of the new value meanings will soon be mandatory for all employees and their children. There will be a test.