Heads Are Going To Roll...

I don't know who did it, I don't know how it happened. But somehow my X-Rays got out. Just look at this! Between Oprah, the Sidekick bathroom idiot, Fantasia's Sidekick escapades, Sue's Book Of Secrets fiasco, and now my X-Rays getting out I think The Nokes is due for a break. Preferably in the neck of whoever posted this pic. I'm kidding, but seriously... their neck. The Nokes is retreating to her moonbase for a week or so to recharge the batteries. But don't worry, the blog isn't going to be taking a break at all. I've decided to have Robert Dotson guest blog for me while I'm gone. Expect Robert's first post tomorrow morning or early afternoon. Depends how long it takes for him to get his hand out of the cookie jar. Tell all of your friends about it. Oh, and yes, someone will be terminated.

-I'll be baaack!

Ugh, Now Fantasia Is Ruining Sidekicks!

I had just wrapped up my dinner with my good friend Charles Barkley, Lil Kim, Kim Kardashian, Jesus, Dr. Phil, and of course C3PO when I received horrific news regarding the momentum we've been losing with Sidekick sales. The Nokes originally attributed the sales problem was due to us having to recall Motorola's version, The Sidekick Slide. By the way, thanks a lot Moto-Jerks. Momma Sue hasn't forgotten... Momma Sue never forgets. Well, it turns out that the sluggish sales had nothing to do with the Slide. Instead, there's a much bigger and disgusting problem: Fantasia. Yes, the same one who won American Idol a couple of years ago. This celebutard had been snapping up pictures pictures of herself in her underwear with her Sidekick 3. Look at exhibit "A."

Nokes Almighty! Did she have to stick out her tounge? Was tat necessary Fantasia? Maybe it's just stuck in the gap in her teeth. Ugh. I mean, we knew that she wasn't going to be texting or using IM when she bought it. It's not like reading is her strong suite, just look at this story about her reading ability or lack there of. But we never, ever, expected this. This has been on the internet since April. I've had engineering purge all Fantasia's pictures from our servers and when I say purge I mean purge. We've incinerated the computers they were stored on, placed a curse on the ashes, and launched the remains into the sun... the Krypton sun. The Nokes is barring Fantasia from ever owning a picture capable phone again. Ever. In fact below is a picture of the only phone Fantasia will ever be allowed to use on our network.

You just try to step out of line Fantasia and this kid will yell that you're beating him in a crowd and immediately begin to beat his torso until he's dialed my direct line. I'll erase you from pop culture if I have to, just like Catherine Zeta-Jones.

-Nokes Out!

PS Thanks for ruining my 50th blog. Now go learn how to read.

Scientology, Me, & Tommy Cruise

Let me preface this by saying that I am not a Scientologist. But man, do I love going to their meetings. Tommy Cruise and I just came back from a meeting in their dungeon, I mean headquarters down in FL. We were running late (well, Tom was running late. I'm always right on time but sometimes other people are early.) so we took one of my underground Nokes-tubes. I just had these remodeled with crown molding made from real crowns of deceased kings.

The meeting itself was fantastic. Everyone was talking about how great they think they are and how awesome it is to be your own demi-god. Ok, whatever. Then they proceeded to pray to Tom Cruise and I. We babbled something to them we heard on Star Trek and they ate it up as new gospel. Tom and I just love the attention. We told them that L. Ron Hubbard sent us a message from beyond that they needed to bring Tom and I and albino white tiger. Good luck with that. Well, I of course already have one but Tom wants one now. Oh by the way, Tom doesn't believe any of this crap, he just loves the attention. Says it makes him feel tall. He tells me that Katie Holmes is a nut though. She keeps wanting to visit Dawson's Creek. She has no idea it isn't real.

-Nokes Out!

PS The next blog will actually be my 50th post. I'm thinking about doing something special for it. Like firing everyone at T-Mobile. Hahahaha. I'm just kidding. But seriously.

Big Dinner Tonight

Morning Nokes-A-Holics. Big day today for The Nokes and her posse tonight. Tonight I'm holding my annual dinner with my closest friends and confidants. My good friends Charles Barkley, Lil Kim, Kim Kardashian, Jesus, Dr. Phil, and of course C3PO will all be there. I may even invite that ho Oprah so that we can patch things up. I've rented out a restaurant called... well, I'm not going to tell you what it's called since we want to make sure no one else shows up. Let's just say that it's very exclusive. Oh, and don't think you can just look for an empty restaurant to find it. The Nokes is too smart for that. This is why I've filled the restaurant with the animatronic historical figures used on that Disney ride about the US.

One last thing, even if you figure out what restaurant it is you'd best keep your distance. For I've had the local authorities make it illegal for anyone to even look at the restaurant unless you have an invitation. You'll be arrested on the spot. It'll be like a scene right our of that show "To Catch A Predator." As with other laws, this one doesn't apply to The Nokes since I was declared a sovereign nation by President Ronald Reagan years ago.


-Nokes Out!

A Scene From One Of My Favorite Nazi Comedies

A scene from one of my favorite comedies, "A Friendship In Vienna." Before you ask, I'm pretty sure that is not El Dotson at the end of the video. I don't for sure. I never watch the credits of any movie since the only one that should ever get credit for anything is The Nokes. Enjoy!

"Vienna, Austria, 1938. The daughter of a Nazi officer sympathizes with her Jewish friend and is punished for it."

An idiot, His Bathroom, & His Sidekick Dilemma

So this moron just sold his Sidekick 3 and is looking to get a new Sidekick. So as if though anyone in the world would care, he posted a video on Youtube asking people to help him decide between the sidekick Slide or LX. He uses such eloquent phrases as "I hear the Slide is what and LX is poppin" Why does he keep looking around nervously? Is he afraid the Bathroom Goblin is going to come and rape him? Nokes Almighty!

The Nokes cannot and will not have an idiot of this magnitude on her network. I've ordered engineering to detonate his Sidekick the next time he goes to make a call. Oh and for those in Sales, do not under any circumstances sell anything to this man. In fact, feel free to unleash your store's tiger on him for a mauling.

About This Dr. Phil Thing

As many of you have heard or read there's a big uproar over Dr. Phil and his visit to Britney's hospital room and his subsequent plans to have a show about her this week. The mental health community really has their collective panties in a bunch over this one. Let me explain how The Nokes factors in here.

You see, I don't have a whole lot of emotional range. Mostly I only feel anger, disdain and wealth. Yes, wealth is an emotion for The Nokes. Sometimes I feel all three of these at the same time which is a super-emotion dubbed by doctors as "feeling Nokes." At first, I thought that not having more feelings was a fault, an area of opportunity. So I set out to do something about it.

One day, I gathered up some clay, mixed it with water, and molded it into my own image. I then breathed into my clay man sculpture and it became alive. It became Dr. Phil. See, I created Dr. Phil to help teach me all about the full range of human emotions. I then realized how truly lame those other emotions, such as love, truly are. He did teach me just how to deal with people that are emotionally distressed: you yell and belittle them. Like mother, like son I guess. The only problem is that he is also a loud mouthed redneck. I mean, this guy doesn't shut up. Oprah was having a birthday party and that Ho always wants unique gifts. So I wrapped him up, put him in a box, and gave him to her. The rest is history. You're welcome Brit.

-Nokes Out!

Teaching A Lesson...

Nokes here, live from the Nokescave located 1 mile beneath T-Mobile headquarters. I finally had enough. The Nokes' hand was forced to teach T-Mobile's Chief People Officer, Manny Sousa, a lesson. By the way, Chief People Officer must be the weakest sounding executive position of all time. It sounds like the man is in charge of maintaining law and order in Fisher-Price town or something.

So why Manny? Frankly, The Nokes is tired of this smug bastard walking around T-Mobile like he's the reason for our employee satisfaction and employee retention rates. Where were you while I was busy creating Do More Get More, raising salaries, and implementing monthly incentives? Or where were you when The Nokes came up with the brilliant idea of having all Sr. Managers sign their souls over to me upon their promotion? Why do you think they never, and The Nokes means never, quit? Oh, that's right. You were stuffing burritos over at El Taco. Couldn't even cut it at Taco Bell so you had to go work for a knockoff. Sad Manny. Another thing, nobody thinks that its funny when you say "that's Sousariffic!" Nobody. Your mother constantly calls Dotson to complain about it. Knock it off.

Last night I had Lil Kim pay Manny a visit. I had her pull off all of his toenails and fingernails so that she could replace them with mirrors. Just as I suspected, he came in today barefoot and has been staring at his hands and feet all day. I scheduled a meeting for Manny with the heads of our German parent company Deutsch Telekom. I can't wait to see what these homophobic and racists Nazis think about a smug spanish man with mirrors for nails. You and Catherine Zeta-Jones will soon be sharing a room. Bwahahahaha!!!!

-Nokes Out!

Sue, Barkley, & Your Quarterly Bonus

My good friend Charles Barkley has been calling me all week, leaving unintelligible message after unintelligible message. Turns out he wants The Nokes to teach him how to pronounce words. I really should just do it but I told him he'd have to work for it. So I challenged Charles to a game of basketball. If Charles wins I teach him how to pronounce words. If The Nokes wins I get to do a Mysapce-style survey about myself and pass it off as the company's 4th quarter bonus. Good news employees! After 2:31 seconds of utter domination the final score was Nokes 21, Charles 0. Momma Nokes with the shutout! Enjoy your bonus:

What would you do if?
The President of the United States called you:	Normally the Nokes sends him straight to voicemail.
You won the lottery:	What's a "lottery?"
You caught a friend stealing from you:	Let's just say that the words "Lil Kim" and "regulate" would be used
You witnessed a murder:	Get some popcorn
A random stranger offered you candy:	They better be rubies. Everyone knows that the only candy The Nokes eats is rubies
You found 10 dollars on the ground:	I would buy the sidewalk and then have it destroyed for wasting my time for a measly 10 dollars.
Someone cut off a chunk of your hair:	How about what my hair would do. My hair is made out of porcupine like needles

Sue's Book Of Secrets

Maybe some of you have seen Nicholas Cage's new abomination: National Treasure, Book Of Secrets. Let The Nokes sum up the movie for you: Nicholas Cage wears a hairpiece and as usual, displays the acting chops of a rolled up piece of paper. You may be wondering why I'm even wasting my multi-million dollar time talking about this. Well, in the movie Cage obtains a book called "The Secret Book Of The Presidents." It's supposed to contain all of the nation's secrets and each President hands it down to the next. This is obviously based on my "The Secret Book Of The Nokes." Whoever let this information out will curse the day they heard the name Nokes.

There are some major differences. First of all, my book is bound by a lock that can only be opened with the Nazi Spear Of Destiny. Second, each page is written in woolly mammoth blood. Do you any idea how hard it is to get woolly mammoth blood? No, of course not. I'll tell you this much, it's a lot harder to get than Do More Get More points. The most important difference is that my book contains the secrets of the entire universe. Secrets that would blow your mind. Secrets like, "how does Sue Nokes never sleep or blink?" "Why magenta?" And so on. Why am I telling you this? Because The Nokes will not be shown up by a movie. Especially a Nicholas Cage movie. Any T-Mobile employee that goes to see this movie will be written up and forced to use a Nokia 3390.