Bennigans & The Spears Family

While visiting a call center today I offered to take the management team there to out to lunch. Their choice of restaurant. Now I didn't actually want to sit down to eat with these people (I usually just eat one large meal a month) but there's no better way to make a group of managers uncomfortable than by confronting them at a sit down restaurant. Try it out sometime. The problem is that they chose some place called Bennigan's.

The first thing I noticed is that the customary rose petals that other centers throw anywhere I step were nowhere to be found. Bad move Kansas. Then I noticed that there is crap all over the walls. A sleigh, a bucket, a marionette? Who the hell decorated this place? Robert Dotson. The Nokes is kiddding, but seriously, did he? I soon realized that this "establishment" is Irish. I assumed that meant we'd all have to eat a bowl of raw potatoes. Instead I ended up with something called a Monte Cristo. It tasted like a bland potato. Actually, I've never had a potato but I'm sure they taste like Monte Cristos. Thankfully I brought my crushed diamond seasoning and platinum utensils.

Eventually I had Kim Kardashian pick me up in the Sue Copter. I'm off to go talk to Britney Spears' little sister . Oh, you didn't hear? She's 16 and pregnant. I'm going to go slap the white trash right out of that family.

-Nokes Out!

C3PO Tries To Make Amends

C3PO got me a little present today. It looks like he's trying to make up for that one hour of my memory that's missing. The Nokes is still not happy about the missing time but this is a start. C3PO got me a pair of gorilla skin mittens. At first I didn't see what was so special about them until C3PO explained that these were made from Koko, the gorilla that uses sign language. Very rare. Only the best for The Nokes. I don't know how he got these but they're fantastic. They're still warm and moist. A matching Koko gorilla skin business suit would've been the icing on the cake. Maybe I'll have something put together for my moonbase. It'll be my Suebaca suit.

Alltel's "Incentive Plan"

I was just finishing up my monthly skin-shedding when I received this video of Alltel's incentive plan for 2007. An Alltel store (or screwshacks as Lil Kim calls them) hit some kind of one day sales record, which for them, probably means they activated a family account with 3 lines on it. So what does Alltel do to reward their employees' hard work? A bonus? Gift cards? Catered lunch? A trip? None of the above. Instead they got to see their loser manager ride his daughter's pink pony stick a block and back.  Way to motivate your employees. I'm sure that news of the manager that rode a pink stick to climax will spread like wildfire throughout Alltel, inspiring productivity to levels previously only seen at the DMV. Just look at this pervert's face. He loves riding this stick. Oh yes Alltel, you're coming for our spot. We're really scared. The Nokes is shaking in her $58,000 house slippers. Even Dotson is sweating over here. There is just gravy everywhere. The Nokes will destroy you fools... destroy you.

PS - Who is still giving their children pony sticks? A Kendo stick, that The Nokes can understand. But a pony stick?

-Nokes Out!

Lost Time

I had to punish C3P0 today. The Nokes is a busy person and, because of this, I don’t have time to remember all things in my life. Instead, I have all my memories stored for later review. I normally only review them to catch mistakes. Of course, only the mistakes made by other people so I can be sure to get with C3PO and schedule a revenge session. Unfortunately I can’t go into how my memories are stored since it would void the contract I made with a certain someone and I’d like to keep all three of my souls until a really good deal comes along (immortality will cost at least two of them I’m thinking).

I digress. Upon reviewing my memories from last week’s flood fiasco I discovered a lapse. It boils down to one hour of lost time. Since I’m always awake, it’s hard for me to believe this has happened.

Well, C3P0’s punishment will consist of keeping him from his weekly oil and lube by Dotson. The problem is, Dotson’s going to be pretty disappointed.

- Nokes Out

This Guy Thinks T-Mobile Eats Babies

Do you know Adam from Clemson, South Carolina? Me either. This nobody wrote a blog titled, "T-Mobile Eats Babies." This sub-normal's blog can be found here. Apparently comes up with eye-catching titles almost as quickly as he disappoints you. First sentence of this blog:

"Not really, but they have succeeded in making my trip to Albuquerque a real pain."

Way to turn away the "baby eating article enthusiasts." Unless I'm interested in your trip to Albuquerque (and no one is) the only other reason to read this article is to see just how a corporate entity eats babies. Adam. Sigh. Adam. Sigh. Everytime I hear that name now The Nokes just wants to sigh. Adam's complaint is that there weren't enough Hotspots for him in Albuquerque. He claims that there were only two. His profile says that he works at a brewery, so to be fair, there's a good chance he was drunk in his basement and imagines this whole trip. I quote:

"They only "provided" internet at two places I visited, but spent a substantial amount of time at."

Hey Adam, next time send us your itinerary and we'll build you a Hotspot every ten steps you take. Or better yet, why don't you try one of the other 30 locations The Nokes picked for Hotspots. Here are some maps to help. The red circles are the Hotspots, hotshot. I've already sent my good friend Charles Barkley to throw a basketball at his face.

Charles Barkley Called...

My good friend Charles Barkley called. He interrupted my nightly crushed diamond smoothie! I think he may have been drunk. Actually, I hope he was. The Nokes couldn't understand a word he was saying and I'm fluent in 82 languages including Kilngon and Binary. I finally told him to just send me an e-mail. Here's what it said:

"Sooo, I enjoy slam dunkin and receiving impotint bucket dickumints. Where Charlie Bucketfax, and his brother Julius? I shed world vision on bucket faxers."

Turns out Barkley was eating some brownies with Dave Grohl while reminiscing about old times. He even sent me this video:

Location, location, location

Now, the world knows that The Nokes is not one that follows trends. That’s right. She creates them. But I must admit there is one trend out there that The Nokes doesn’t mind following.

Outsourcing.

I’ve made some resolutions for the new year and one of them is to open T-Mobile customer service centers in some exotic locations. So far I’ve come across one country that fits all of my requirements.

Cuba.

Recently, Fidel Castro and I finally made up after years of not speaking. When I told him it was over between us back in ’62 he threatened to destroy his plans to build me a shrine made out of nuclear missiles. He stupidly left the missiles out in the open and when the United States got pictures of them from planes flying overhead they flipped out! It became known as The Cuban Missile Crisis but the only crisis I know of was Fidel sleeping alone.

Well, after years of hatred toward America, because of our capitalist ideals, Fidel is considering going the call center route. Of course, I have to deal with all the red tape between the two countries. Details, details. I’ll keep you updated on other prospective countries as I travel the globe and space.

P.S. I smoke a mean Cuban cigar. Just ask Fidel.

- The Nokes

My Dinosaur Bone Stairs

I am not a happy Nokes right now. The stairs that lead down to my subterranean cave/office underneath T-Mobile headquarters did not receive their daily maintenence. The steps are made out of 100% dinosaur bone and are replaced with brand new, freshly-sanded bones everyday day. I mean everyday. Even when I'm out of town or checking up on my moonbase construction progress. New dinosaur bones for my steps. It's in my contract for Nokessake! Well, I came in today and could obviously tell that these were the same tricerotops bones-filled steps from yesterday. The audacity. It's T-Rex Tuesday. I called my good friend Charles Barkley. He suspects that Dotson's been reading the blog and found out about us toilet papering his house so he kept my steps from being re-boned today as a way to get back at The Nokes.

I think he's right. The Nokes is taking the rest of the day off and going shopping with C3PO. Good luck running the company El Dotso! Hopefully he won't try to sell us to Primeco while I'm gone. He knows that they're out of business but he loves that little pink alien they had for a mascot they had.


-Nokes Out!

My Moonbase

As you may have read here, one of the items on my X-Mas list is 10% less air in the atmosphere. The Nokes figured that I probably wouldn't get that this year but as always, I planned ahead. For the past few months I've had a team from engineering working on building a moonbase for me. It's going to be my post-Hawaii vacation spot. A place where The Nokes and The Nokes' thoughts can become as Nokes as Nokes thoughts should be for The Nokes. Well, I had recently hired Richard Branson (you know, the eccentric British billionaire. Pictured left) to keep an eye on the Fake Sue thread at the Howard Forums message board. At first he was wondering why he should do it but then I explained to him that it would be really eccentric for a billionaire to take a job that he clearly didn't need. Richard and his giant teeth of course bit the bait. The real purpose though was to keep him occupied so that he wouldn't try to build a base on the moon too. The Nokes made some passing mention of it and now I hear that he's looking into putting up his own base up there complete with a giant Virgin Records store and 10 foot toothbrush.

I have Lil Kim scoping his house(s) as we speak.


-Nokes Out!

Jesus & The Nokes Now BFFs

Ok, so we're not exactly best friends but Jesus and The Nokes did patch things up at my Gala. As you know, I've been eyeing Jesus' crown of thorns for some time. I invited Jesus to my party in hopes of relieving him of the crown. I figured it would make a great summer hat. Well, it turns out that the crown of thorns isn't all that impressive. A crown without a single jewel, diamond, or even gold on it?! It really just looks like an old crappy wreath. Oh, and don't get The Nokes started on the smell. Plus there was dried blood all over it. You'd think after 2000 years Jesus would have had one of his angels clean it or something. Apparently he thinks the blood is "cool." Whatever. Point is Jesus and I got to talking. Turns out he totally has a Nokes complex. I can appreciate that.

Barkley and I are off for our weekly toilet papering of Dotson's house. We used to light a bag of crap on his front door but he'd just come out and smell it. One time he even came out and ate a whole can of frosting until the bag died out. Very strange.